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Can uptight Marcus Wareing save MasterChef: The Professionals? Can uptight Marcus Wareing save MasterChef: The Professionals?
(35 minutes later)
MasterChef: The Professionals arrives on Tuesday in terrible shape. Its last series ended with a thundering cop-out – by naming two chefs as winners, it momentarily confused an ostensibly prestigious culinary showcase with a primary school’s egg-painting competition – and then, shortly afterwards, it lost star judge Michel Roux Jr to the presumably lucrative world of potato ambassadorship. MasterChef: The Professionals arrives on Tuesday in terrible shape. It hasn’t really recovered from 2012 when it ended with a thundering cop-out – two chefs won, turning an ostensibly prestigious culinary showcase into a primary school’s egg-painting competition. Then, earlier this year, it lost star judge Michel Roux Jr to the presumably lucrative world of potato ambassadorship.
But the worst news was yet to come. In June it was announced that Michel Roux Jr – lovely, twinkly Michel Roux Jr – would be replaced by Marcus Wareing. This was cause for concern because, if you’ve ever seen Marcus Wareing on television before, you’ll know that the man comes across as a wazzock. A colossal, blistering, uptight, self-important, hair-shirted wazzock whose stock in trade involves swaggering onto cookery shows, putting an atom of food into his mouth, spitting it all out again and then being as relentlessly cruel about it as he possibly can.But the worst news was yet to come. In June it was announced that Michel Roux Jr – lovely, twinkly Michel Roux Jr – would be replaced by Marcus Wareing. This was cause for concern because, if you’ve ever seen Marcus Wareing on television before, you’ll know that the man comes across as a wazzock. A colossal, blistering, uptight, self-important, hair-shirted wazzock whose stock in trade involves swaggering onto cookery shows, putting an atom of food into his mouth, spitting it all out again and then being as relentlessly cruel about it as he possibly can.
You could argue that this cruelty is the only pleasure in Marcus Wareing’s life, but he never actually seems to derive that much pleasure from it. He’s a frozen volcano of disapproval, a stiff-backed Victorian-era authoritarian who sees the world as a collection of underserving Oliver Twists, all insulting his brittle sense of self-worth by daring to ask for more gruel.You could argue that this cruelty is the only pleasure in Marcus Wareing’s life, but he never actually seems to derive that much pleasure from it. He’s a frozen volcano of disapproval, a stiff-backed Victorian-era authoritarian who sees the world as a collection of underserving Oliver Twists, all insulting his brittle sense of self-worth by daring to ask for more gruel.
If you wanted to single out the key moments of Wareing wazzockry, you’d probably pick the moment in 2012 when, during an episode of The Great British Menu, Wareing’s spiteful approach to judging caused a chef to destroy the studio and quit the show. Or the time he reduced a MasterChef semi-finalist to tears by wildly exaggerating how inedible their souffle looked.If you wanted to single out the key moments of Wareing wazzockry, you’d probably pick the moment in 2012 when, during an episode of The Great British Menu, Wareing’s spiteful approach to judging caused a chef to destroy the studio and quit the show. Or the time he reduced a MasterChef semi-finalist to tears by wildly exaggerating how inedible their souffle looked.
Or maybe even when he introduced himself to a squadron of MasterChef contestants by shrieking: “I sacrificed my friends, my family. I sacrificed my youth!” at them like a berserk old crone in a regional stage production of Sunset Boulevard. Failing that, you could just fall back on any of the countless times he’s referred to himself in the third person without so much as a trace of self-awareness.Or maybe even when he introduced himself to a squadron of MasterChef contestants by shrieking: “I sacrificed my friends, my family. I sacrificed my youth!” at them like a berserk old crone in a regional stage production of Sunset Boulevard. Failing that, you could just fall back on any of the countless times he’s referred to himself in the third person without so much as a trace of self-awareness.
With all this in mind, the signs for this year’s MasterChef: The Professionals don’t look great. With Wareing in tow every week, all the humour and flair of previous years are in danger of being replaced by the new judge’s angry, perspective-free conservative bullying. It’ll be one-note. It’ll be dreary. It’ll be Gary Barlow’s X Factor years all over again. You could be forgiven for boycotting it entirely.With all this in mind, the signs for this year’s MasterChef: The Professionals don’t look great. With Wareing in tow every week, all the humour and flair of previous years are in danger of being replaced by the new judge’s angry, perspective-free conservative bullying. It’ll be one-note. It’ll be dreary. It’ll be Gary Barlow’s X Factor years all over again. You could be forgiven for boycotting it entirely.
Except for one thing. Rumour – and a highly unsubstantiated rumour at that – has it that this year’s MasterChef: The Professionals will also function as a sort of rebrand for Wareing. Word on the street is that he’s ditched the blazing scorn and insane pomposity of old, and now he’s actually being relatively polite to people. If that’s true, it’s about time. Wareing’s schtick always seemed like a put-on to me; it was ever so slightly laboured, as if he was attempting to override his own decency in order to more effectively ape his old boss Gordon Ramsay. If he really has grown bored of the hard-man act, then this year’s series could be a revelation.Except for one thing. Rumour – and a highly unsubstantiated rumour at that – has it that this year’s MasterChef: The Professionals will also function as a sort of rebrand for Wareing. Word on the street is that he’s ditched the blazing scorn and insane pomposity of old, and now he’s actually being relatively polite to people. If that’s true, it’s about time. Wareing’s schtick always seemed like a put-on to me; it was ever so slightly laboured, as if he was attempting to override his own decency in order to more effectively ape his old boss Gordon Ramsay. If he really has grown bored of the hard-man act, then this year’s series could be a revelation.
Not that anyone will be watching MasterChef: The Professionals to gauge Marcus Wareing’s social skills, of course. Or for Gregg, or anything that anyone cooks. As far as any discerning viewer will be concerned, MasterChef: The Professionals belongs solely to Monica Galetti and her ever-expanding repertoire of incredulous facial expressions. Now, if she abandons the show, we really will be in trouble.Not that anyone will be watching MasterChef: The Professionals to gauge Marcus Wareing’s social skills, of course. Or for Gregg, or anything that anyone cooks. As far as any discerning viewer will be concerned, MasterChef: The Professionals belongs solely to Monica Galetti and her ever-expanding repertoire of incredulous facial expressions. Now, if she abandons the show, we really will be in trouble.
• This article was amended on 4 November 2014. There were two winners in 2012, not 2013.