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In the name of the FA’s own sanity, please don’t investigate Malky Mackay In the name of the FA’s own sanity, please don’t investigate Malky Mackay
(35 minutes later)
There are few better guarantees of fiasco than the phrase “now the subject of an FA investigation”. On these shores at least, it is the gold standard of creating outcomes in which everyone loses. There may yet be nuclear Armageddons with more winners than the list of incidents mishandled by the Wembley major incident department. And as the deadline arrives for Dave Whelan to respond to an FA investigation into his comments relating to Malky Mackay’s leaked communications, it would seem prudent to book a minibreak in a fallout shelter once again.There are few better guarantees of fiasco than the phrase “now the subject of an FA investigation”. On these shores at least, it is the gold standard of creating outcomes in which everyone loses. There may yet be nuclear Armageddons with more winners than the list of incidents mishandled by the Wembley major incident department. And as the deadline arrives for Dave Whelan to respond to an FA investigation into his comments relating to Malky Mackay’s leaked communications, it would seem prudent to book a minibreak in a fallout shelter once again.
If you are at the stage of needing flashcards to keep track of your FA probes, let me remind you that Mackay’s racist, sexist and homophobic bantz are themselves the subject of an FA investigation – I assume these things work out cheaper by the dozen – which is still ongoing, three months after it was launched. Why? How?If you are at the stage of needing flashcards to keep track of your FA probes, let me remind you that Mackay’s racist, sexist and homophobic bantz are themselves the subject of an FA investigation – I assume these things work out cheaper by the dozen – which is still ongoing, three months after it was launched. Why? How?
Well, the FA didn’t get the information it needed until October, according to an amusingly defensive statement on its website, put out when Whelan sparked another investigation during the course of suggesting that investigation was going nowhere. According to what reads like a textbook example of mission creep, the FA is now investigating “whether these messages indicate a culture in which other discriminatory acts may have taken place.” Well, the FA didn’t get the information it needed until October, according to an amusingly defensive statement on its website, put out when Whelan sparked another investigation during the course of suggesting that investigation was going nowhere. According to what reads like a textbook example of mission creep, the FA is now investigating “whether these messages indicate a culture in which other discriminatory acts may have taken place”.
To which the only reasonable response would seem to be: don’t. In the name of your own sanity, don’t. With the best will in the world, you are an investigatory body that would struggle to get to the bottom of a teddy bears’ picnic. In fact, not since Sheriff Rosco P Coltrane decided Hazzard County cattle rustling was part of a conspiracy with tentacles in every branch of American government and reaching all the way to the Oval Office has the widening of an investigation looked less promising.To which the only reasonable response would seem to be: don’t. In the name of your own sanity, don’t. With the best will in the world, you are an investigatory body that would struggle to get to the bottom of a teddy bears’ picnic. In fact, not since Sheriff Rosco P Coltrane decided Hazzard County cattle rustling was part of a conspiracy with tentacles in every branch of American government and reaching all the way to the Oval Office has the widening of an investigation looked less promising.
For all their bristling, I’m afraid the only realistic reading of the timeframe can be that the FA deliberately allows these things to languish in the in-tray in the belief that a period of inaction will take the heat out of difficult situations – a belief which, you’ll have noticed, never, ever works out for them. From Terry to Suárez to Anelka, FA investigations of any note have dragged on so long that they have served almost exclusively to further toxify already grimly sensitive situations.For all their bristling, I’m afraid the only realistic reading of the timeframe can be that the FA deliberately allows these things to languish in the in-tray in the belief that a period of inaction will take the heat out of difficult situations – a belief which, you’ll have noticed, never, ever works out for them. From Terry to Suárez to Anelka, FA investigations of any note have dragged on so long that they have served almost exclusively to further toxify already grimly sensitive situations.
According to reports, the member of the FA’s dream team responsible for the Mackay investigation – the ur investigation, if you will – is Jonathan Hall. Raising our lorgnettes for another squiz at the FA website, we can see that Mr Hall self-identifies as the organisation’s “Director of Football Services”. Not my favourite gibberish FA title – that will always be held by “Managing Director of Club England” Adrian Bevington. But still, a chap with a business card to make you wonder whether the Graham Kelly era was actually a sort of Jeffersonian golden age in English football administration.According to reports, the member of the FA’s dream team responsible for the Mackay investigation – the ur investigation, if you will – is Jonathan Hall. Raising our lorgnettes for another squiz at the FA website, we can see that Mr Hall self-identifies as the organisation’s “Director of Football Services”. Not my favourite gibberish FA title – that will always be held by “Managing Director of Club England” Adrian Bevington. But still, a chap with a business card to make you wonder whether the Graham Kelly era was actually a sort of Jeffersonian golden age in English football administration.
It is presumably Mr Hall’s investigations unit which is now investigating what we must still refer to as “allegations of” antisemitism against Whelan, after the latter defended his appointment of Mackay before the initial investigation was concluded by stating, among other things, that “Jewish people chase money more than everybody else”. Yes, as a damage limitation exercise, Whelan’s defence of the Mackay appointment probably ought not to be seen as an unqualified success. But the headache will be all the FA’s, with Whelan’s claim that he had already been assured on the QT by FA insiders that the Mackay probe was going nowhere. The FA now wishes Whelan to identify the twin sources of this leak, at the same time as appearing to brief that it can’t be a leak as no one important spoke to him. (Funny sort of thing for Whelan to invent, isn’t it? After all, as a master of the strategic play, Dave would appear to lag some way behind Karl Rove.)It is presumably Mr Hall’s investigations unit which is now investigating what we must still refer to as “allegations of” antisemitism against Whelan, after the latter defended his appointment of Mackay before the initial investigation was concluded by stating, among other things, that “Jewish people chase money more than everybody else”. Yes, as a damage limitation exercise, Whelan’s defence of the Mackay appointment probably ought not to be seen as an unqualified success. But the headache will be all the FA’s, with Whelan’s claim that he had already been assured on the QT by FA insiders that the Mackay probe was going nowhere. The FA now wishes Whelan to identify the twin sources of this leak, at the same time as appearing to brief that it can’t be a leak as no one important spoke to him. (Funny sort of thing for Whelan to invent, isn’t it? After all, as a master of the strategic play, Dave would appear to lag some way behind Karl Rove.)
All of which leaves the FA with three interconnected investigations at time of going to press. Can they notch up four by the weekend? You wouldn’t rule it out, in a body which long ago joined the list of British institutions that might be stamped NOT EVEN FIT FOR SATIRE.All of which leaves the FA with three interconnected investigations at time of going to press. Can they notch up four by the weekend? You wouldn’t rule it out, in a body which long ago joined the list of British institutions that might be stamped NOT EVEN FIT FOR SATIRE.
Usmanov’s sage advice for WengerUsmanov’s sage advice for Wenger
The debate over Arsène Wenger’s future takes an alluring turn with an intervention from Alisher Usmanov, the gazillionaire who doesn’t own as much of Arsenal as he’d like.The debate over Arsène Wenger’s future takes an alluring turn with an intervention from Alisher Usmanov, the gazillionaire who doesn’t own as much of Arsenal as he’d like.
Mr Usmanov understands that all things must pass – one day, after all, even he will have to get by without his looks. At present, however, this darling of the Kremlin is disappointed by the lack of democracy within the upper echelons of the club. “I decide nothing in this matter [of Wenger’s position],” he muses in bafflement. “This a strange position when the second biggest investor, who has more than 30%, decides nothing, and it is frustrating.”Mr Usmanov understands that all things must pass – one day, after all, even he will have to get by without his looks. At present, however, this darling of the Kremlin is disappointed by the lack of democracy within the upper echelons of the club. “I decide nothing in this matter [of Wenger’s position],” he muses in bafflement. “This a strange position when the second biggest investor, who has more than 30%, decides nothing, and it is frustrating.”
But it is on the shackles of morality that Mr Usmanov has perhaps the sagest advice to offer. “I like Arsène for his principles,” he claims. “But principles are sort of restriction.”But it is on the shackles of morality that Mr Usmanov has perhaps the sagest advice to offer. “I like Arsène for his principles,” he claims. “But principles are sort of restriction.”
“Principles are sort of restriction.” If there were a motto to be carved into the rock of the hollowed out volcano in which the oligarchs meet thrice annually, then that would surely be it. Our thanks must be to Mr Usmanov, a man so adorable that he could almost turn an old saw on its head. With enemies like this, does Arsène Wenger even need friends?“Principles are sort of restriction.” If there were a motto to be carved into the rock of the hollowed out volcano in which the oligarchs meet thrice annually, then that would surely be it. Our thanks must be to Mr Usmanov, a man so adorable that he could almost turn an old saw on its head. With enemies like this, does Arsène Wenger even need friends?