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Why I decided to stop being my daughter’s personal assistant Why I decided to stop being my daughter’s personal assistant
(about 1 hour later)
I remember the first time I received homework that Enma had forgotten through the mothers from the school WhatsApp group.I remember the first time I received homework that Enma had forgotten through the mothers from the school WhatsApp group.
“How wonderful!” I thought in my innocence, without realising that this would become a monster that would engulf me in a jungle of messages, a list of homework tasks, and thousands of photos of books and exercise pages ... photos that filled up my phone’s memory to the extent that, whenever I tried to take a picture myself, I would get a “memory full” message.“How wonderful!” I thought in my innocence, without realising that this would become a monster that would engulf me in a jungle of messages, a list of homework tasks, and thousands of photos of books and exercise pages ... photos that filled up my phone’s memory to the extent that, whenever I tried to take a picture myself, I would get a “memory full” message.
I also vividly remember the day I saw the light. It happened as follows:I also vividly remember the day I saw the light. It happened as follows:
“Mum, I have forgotten my copy of my maths exercises. Could you ask for it on the WhatsApp group?”“Mum, I have forgotten my copy of my maths exercises. Could you ask for it on the WhatsApp group?”
I – as a mindful, loving and helpful mother – put the keys by the door, my handbag on a chair, took my phone out of my pocket and placed the shopping bags on the floor. Multi-tasking in action.I – as a mindful, loving and helpful mother – put the keys by the door, my handbag on a chair, took my phone out of my pocket and placed the shopping bags on the floor. Multi-tasking in action.
Suddenly, though, something made me freeze. It was like a slap of reality. I just looked at the phone, work emails blinking on the screen, and I realised.Suddenly, though, something made me freeze. It was like a slap of reality. I just looked at the phone, work emails blinking on the screen, and I realised.
What the heck am I doing? I thought. IT’S OVER.What the heck am I doing? I thought. IT’S OVER.
“Enma, my love, it isn’t my fault that you’ve forgotten your homework, it’s yours. Therefore, tomorrow you’ll explain to your teacher that you haven’t done your homework because you forgot to bring it home and that it won’t happen again.”“Enma, my love, it isn’t my fault that you’ve forgotten your homework, it’s yours. Therefore, tomorrow you’ll explain to your teacher that you haven’t done your homework because you forgot to bring it home and that it won’t happen again.”
“But mum! They’ll give me a bad mark!”“But mum! They’ll give me a bad mark!”
“It’s nothing, I’m sure after this one, it won’t happen again.”“It’s nothing, I’m sure after this one, it won’t happen again.”
“Why don’t you just ask on the group: it’s ever so easy?”“Why don’t you just ask on the group: it’s ever so easy?”
“Precisely. That group isn’t there to be the same as your school diary. You shouldn’t expect your mother’s mobile phone to bail you out when you forget things. It’s your responsibility to keep your diary and bring your exercise books home. I have my own diary and I never ask you to remind me to see a client ... everyone has to be responsible for their own lot.”“Precisely. That group isn’t there to be the same as your school diary. You shouldn’t expect your mother’s mobile phone to bail you out when you forget things. It’s your responsibility to keep your diary and bring your exercise books home. I have my own diary and I never ask you to remind me to see a client ... everyone has to be responsible for their own lot.”
She understood the lesson perfectly and has never asked me to use the group again, in spite of the many times she’s forgotten her homework (which still happens very often, I must admit).She understood the lesson perfectly and has never asked me to use the group again, in spite of the many times she’s forgotten her homework (which still happens very often, I must admit).
What do we get by taking care of our children’s diaries and being their personal helpers at all times? I’m not just talking about homework at home – that’s a different debate. I’m talking about that idea of becoming responsible for every single one of our kids’ movements, no matter how old they are, as if we were their guardian angels.What do we get by taking care of our children’s diaries and being their personal helpers at all times? I’m not just talking about homework at home – that’s a different debate. I’m talking about that idea of becoming responsible for every single one of our kids’ movements, no matter how old they are, as if we were their guardian angels.
What we get is basically this, and the list could be even longer:What we get is basically this, and the list could be even longer:
• Children who are not able to take the level of responsibility appropriate to their age.• Children who are not able to take the level of responsibility appropriate to their age.
• Children who are afraid of taking the initiative because they will always have prying eyes on them checking they’re doing things right.• Children who are afraid of taking the initiative because they will always have prying eyes on them checking they’re doing things right.
• Children whose minds wander, because practical things like this are already “looked after by mum”.• Children whose minds wander, because practical things like this are already “looked after by mum”.
• Children who, as grown ups, will always be waiting for instructions and orders to act. This is key.• Children who, as grown ups, will always be waiting for instructions and orders to act. This is key.
One of the areas I work on most with companies, as well as in development workshops, is initiative. I work to instil knowledge of the self, knowledge of strengths and self-belief. If we don’t practise these things with our little ones, we can’t expect them to have learnt them by the time they become employees. (Don’t we expect these skills in our employees and colleagues?)One of the areas I work on most with companies, as well as in development workshops, is initiative. I work to instil knowledge of the self, knowledge of strengths and self-belief. If we don’t practise these things with our little ones, we can’t expect them to have learnt them by the time they become employees. (Don’t we expect these skills in our employees and colleagues?)
I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother if I don’t become my daughter’s scheduler and personal assistant. In fact, I would be acting in an irresponsible manner if I didn’t educate my children to be independent and autonomous.I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother if I don’t become my daughter’s scheduler and personal assistant. In fact, I would be acting in an irresponsible manner if I didn’t educate my children to be independent and autonomous.
I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother for not sitting down with my kid to do their homework. I would be acting irresponsibly if I didn’t give them help and emotional support when they were having really big problems.I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother for not sitting down with my kid to do their homework. I would be acting irresponsibly if I didn’t give them help and emotional support when they were having really big problems.
I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother if I don’t supervise absolutely everything that my daughter does. I would be an irresponsible mother if I didn’t know where she was and with whom she’s spending time – but that’s different.I shouldn’t feel like a bad mother if I don’t supervise absolutely everything that my daughter does. I would be an irresponsible mother if I didn’t know where she was and with whom she’s spending time – but that’s different.
There are ways of making this work. Our job is to create a better generation than our own. It’s easy, with a bit of reflection and trust.There are ways of making this work. Our job is to create a better generation than our own. It’s easy, with a bit of reflection and trust.
This is a translation of post that originally appeared on Noelia López-Cheda’s blog. It is republished here with permission This is a translation by Euclides Montes of a post that originally appeared on Noelia López-Cheda’s blog. It is republished here with permission