'What do you call a snowman in the desert?' Comedians test the best Christmas crackers
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Version 0 of 1. Like the gifts presented to Jesus by the three kings, the merriment contained in a Christmas cracker comes in three parts. Instead of gold, there is a paper hat. Instead of frankincense, there is some kind of item made out of plastic that will be forgotten about within 90 seconds, and instead of myrrh, there is (grits teeth) a joke. We’ve assembled a team of comedians to assess the quality of this year’s Christmas cracker gags, which is rather like getting Marcus Wareing in to judge the quality of an empty plate that a toddler insists contains a cake. Miles Jupp is soon to star in BBC4’s In and Out of the Kitchen, Holly Walsh is a brilliant standup and a familiar face on panel shows, Cariad Lloyd is about to head out on tour with the glorious Austentatious, Elis James is one of the stars of new BBC3 sitcom Crims, and Ben Target is a master of props and physicality that make him one of the most unusual up-and-comers on the circuit. We met in the pub and prepared to pull … Selfridges Robin Reed racing reindeer crackers, box of six, £22.95 We start well, with a top-of-the-range set from Selfridges, which sells crackers as well (I’ve started early). When pulled, they reveal six clockwork reindeer that can be raced against each other. The jokes are a mixed bag. “What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.” What do you think of that? “I wouldn’t open a set with it,” says Jupp. Target likes the joke in his cracker, although it’s not very Christmassy. “My friend drowned in a bowl of museli – he was pulled in by a strong current.” “That’s quite dark,” frowns Jupp. “Usually death is more of an Easter thing.” James is unimpressed, both by the price – “£22.95 is a crime and I want that in print” – and by the gags. “I don’t really feel able to emotionally invest in these jokes,” he says. Quality of cracker: 3/5 Quality of jokes: 2/5 Asda silver and white cube crackers, box of 12, £4 From the top end to the mass market as we turn to Asda. This cracker contains a multipurpose gift – a plastic comb that also contains stencils and can be used as a ruler. Such blatant bet-hedging cuts no ice with Lloyd: “I’m beginning to think that three may have been harsh for the reindeer crackers.” James is more excited. “I had a beard about two months ago, and this would have been the perfect thing to comb it. I can see a use for this.” Then we come to the joke. “Where do you take a sick horse? Horspital.” The resulting silence is broken by Target. “I think it may be the worst joke I’ve ever heard,” he says. “The worst joke ever written.” Quality of cracker: 3/5 Quality of jokes: 0/5 Waitrose Christmas kraft icons crackers, box of six, £15 The Waitrose cracker looks good. It is made of thick brown paper, and it has a paper snowflake attached. “This is the best cracker I’ve ever seen in my life,” says Target, a comment that opens a window on a world of pain. Walsh is intrigued by the snowflake – “My parents would hang that on the tree and keep it for about 10 years.” She’s even more impressed by the gift, a compact mirror that she pronounces “actually useful”. All looks good for the Waitrose cracker, except that we can’t find the joke. Either it has been omitted for reasons of good taste or (far more likely) we’ve lost it amid the wreckage of paper and plastic that is already covering the table. Quality of cracker: 4/5 Quality of jokes: N/A Lidl luxury Christmas crackers, box of six, £4.99 Lidl may not have a reputation as a luxury brand, but there is no scrimping on their crackers – the one we pull contains a pack of miniature playing cards. And the joke? “What is the most popular wine at Christmas? ‘Do we have to eat all these brussels sprouts?’” This provokes genuine amusement in our comics. To be honest, it’s better read out than it looks on the page. “That is an original piece of writing,” claims Jupp. “I would perform that joke. I would very happily do that on … well, I’d do it on ITV2.” Quality of cracker: 4/5 Quality of jokes: 4/5 M&S kraft family Christmas crackers, box of 12, £15 Ideally, you’d want every child to be as happy on Christmas morning as the boy in the John Lewis advert. But, inevitably, some will end up with the same disappointed expression worn by Lloyd when she popped the M&S cracker to reveal a cheap blue plastic ring. Would the quality of the joke save the day? “Who embarrasses everyone at the Xmas party?” “My Aunt Sheila,” suggests Jupp. “She always takes her pants off.” Sadly for lovers of humour, the answer is “Rude-olf.” “I think that’s pretty poor,” Lloyd correctly points out. Quality of cracker: 1/5 Quality of jokes: 1/5 Hotel Chocolat rather large Christmas cracker, £36 The Hotel Chocolat is an impressive beast that requires multiple comics to pull. And any suggestions that it might prove an anticlimax are nullified by an impressively loud bang and a shower of individually wrapped chocolates. To a backdrop of satisfied munching, Jupp picks up a booklet – not a slip, a whole booklet – of jokes. “What do you call a snowman in the Sahara desert?” “Lost,” everyone replies in unison. “Oh dear,” says Jupp. “They win you over with the chocolate before you read the jokes,” suggests Target. “Quiet,” says Walsh, “this chocolate is amazing. Are we marking this one out of 10 or five?” Quality of cracker: 5/5 Quality of jokes: Who cares? Morrisons basic crackers, box of eight, £2 The thinnest and (let’s be honest) sorriest-looking of our cracker collection is popped to reveal something small, plastic and at first unidentifiable. “It’s a fake fingernail!” says Lloyd, and perches it atop her pinkie. “It looks like something leftover from Halloween,” notes Target. The Morrisons hat is notably low-ply (“basically see-through”, says Lloyd), and as for the joke – “Who is Santa’s favourite singer?” “Madonna?” offers James. “Mariah Carey,” says Walsh confidently, placing tenuous logic for the moment above humour. The answer is in fact “Elfish Presley,” which gets a better response than you’d expect. “For a budget cracker, that’s all right,” says Holly. Quality of cracker: 2/5 Quality of jokes: 4/5 Drinks by the Dram crackers, box of six, £37.95 The none-more-black appearance of these crackers doesn’t seem to bode well. “It looks like something you’d see in the window of a funeral director,” says Jupp. “‘These are the sort of gravestones we can create for you.’” But when the crackers pop, our comics are stunned to discover that each one contains a bottled shot of spirits. And that’s not all. James has the joke – “Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.” All are agreed that this is a class above anything we have previously heard, but Jupp has more important things on his mind. “Are there any more chocolates,” he asks, “or did we eat them all?” Quality of cracker: 5/5 Quality of jokes: 5/5 |