Tackling the tyranny of tots on their micro-scooters

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec/29/tackling-tyranny-tots-micro-scooter

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This year, I’ve become an avid runner. I whizz along pavements, I weave between cars stuck in traffic jams, I run along canals, and skip over bridges with glee. The city is my running track and nothing can stop me. Except the dreaded micro-scooter.

You’ve all seen them, you can’t possibly miss them. In lurid pink or psychedelic print, they lurch haphazardly up and down pavements across the land. In 2014, the scooter trend has exploded. Every child under the age of 10 seems to be careering excitedly towards unsuspecting passers by, while a tired-looking parent vaguely attempts to assume some semblance of control.

But there is no control to be had over this child army of riders. They delight in not having the requisite motor skills to manoeuvre their unwieldy contraptions. They skitter across pavements, veering wildly from side to side, stuttering to an emergency stop just as you attempt to pass by. Or they push the scooter slowly alongside them, in groups of two or three, blocking walkways and forcing people into the gutters. The mania for these dratted things means that high streets everywhere are now chock full of tiny people who act like they’ve been on the whisky. They are, in short, a menace. Community support officers should be drafted in to control the mayhem.

Don’t get me wrong, I can see the appeal for parents who can’t cope with another tiresomely slow walk to the shops. Pop darling Noah on a scooter and the whole journey must seem much easier. But it’s a false economy! Sure, you think you’ll have your hands free for a while, but invariably, the kid will get bored soon enough. Then watch as the parent is forced to push the blighted thing for the remainder of the journey.

Last weekend, I saw a grown man escorting a group of the drunken rider tots. He was astride his own adult scooter, pushing his leg along the pavement with a frankly unwarranted amount of pride. The children, emboldened by the knowledge that they’d co-opted an adult, looked straight through me as they rode. I ran in the gutter. I know when I’m beaten.

For 2015, I plead with those of you with children – end this lunacy. Insist that your offspring walk in single file (even better if they can do so briskly). Teach them that the streets are not skateparks, but dangerous places that need to be tackled with solemnity and haste. Let’s build a beautiful landfill site and spend the new year pushing every last scooter into it. Then let the earth swallow them up.