The year in Kardashians
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Version 0 of 1. It’s an annual tradition now. When confronted with the question of “what was the worst thing in American culture this year?” the answer invariably is: the Kardashians. Yet year after year the family just grows more powerful, expanding their kingdom to cover all of pop culture. So to look back at the year that was, why not look through the prism of the Kardashians? This is not necessarily to embrace or endorse their ways, but to understand. You watch these people on TV almost every Sunday, you read hundreds of “news” items about the truly mundane details of their lives and you can achieve a certain understanding of the family. So let us re-live 2014 in that most American of ways — through the life and times of the Kardashians. KIM Highlight: Making $200 million off her Kim Kardashian: Hollywood game. No wait, marrying Kanye West, which we’ll admit is an upgrade on marrying best reserve power forward in the Eastern conference. No wait, her sorta-kinda-okay-not-really #breaktheinternet moment. Lowlight: When she said that before her daughter (who she likes to crop out of Instagrams) was born, she didn’t know racism still existed. Recap: Anyone hoping that 2014 was the year Kim fell from her perch at the top of the pop culture world … well, 2015 will be better for you because it’s hard to imagine Kim having a more successful year than in 2014. Her marriage to West has passed the critical 72-day mark, which is a step in the right direction. (Although outside of fashion shows on the other side of the Atlantic or on the cover of Vogue, it’s rare to actually see husband and wife together.) Her freemium mobile game was a both devious and genius. Just a couple months after she attempted to “break the Internet,” that stunt seems barely worth mentioning and certainly didn’t achieve its “goal.” At this point, we’re actually more interested in Kim’s life than her other assets. Imagine that. KHLOE Highlight: Making the world realize she is the best Kardashian sister. Lowlight: Becoming Daily Mail fodder for the lowest common denominator of Kardashian reasons — a big backside. Recap: Anyone who’s watched even 10 minutes of any episode of any “Kardashian” show knows that Khloe has long been the only one of the three older sisters who — how can we say? — has anything resembling a sense of humor, actual personality, voice that conveys more than a single emotion or other things we call “traits one might encounter in a normal human being.” But she always lagged behind Kim (understandable) and Kourtney (truly puzzling) in public perception. But that seems to have changed. Hanging out with Khloe seems like it could maybe be fun. Hanging out with Kim and Kourtney seems like it would be boring at best and torture at worst. Now if you judge Kardashian fame based on how many posts per week the Daily Mail is writing about you (main criteria, right?), then Khloe’s breakout 2014 is undeniable. She joined her sister in ditching an NBA star (make that former NBA star; where are you, Lamar?) for on-off-on-off tabloid fodder relationship with a rapper (French Montana seems nice enough) but by the end of the year it was hard to deny that one aspect seemed to be eclipsing everything else. She has denied all rumors of enhancement, of course. But all we’re saying is that Khloe, we actually like you for your personality. KENDALL Highlight: Walking in major fashion shows and becoming an in-demand runway model. Lowlight: A public admission of illiteracy at the Billboard Music Awards. Recap: A complete void of personality has never proved a hindrance to her older sisters, and Kendall seems to be following that path to success. KYLIE Highlight: That one time she drove a car without crashing. Lowlight: Every other time she got behind the wheel Recap: It will be extremely hard to eclipse Kim when it comes to “most famous Kardashian” but there’s a non-zero chance that Kylie is able to do this a few years down the road. She’s mischievous in that “I’m 17 but maybe dating a 26 year old who used date someone who is good friends with my half sister” kind of way. She’s also not going to let failure stop her, as evidenced by her continuing to drive even though she has proven thoroughly incapable of doing so safely. Also something is obviously going on with her lips, which seems quaint compared to the rest of her family. In any case, be on the lookout for this one. KRIS Highlight: You think Kris isn’t getting a few points on the $200 million Kim raked in on her game? Lowlight: With the official nail in the coffin of her failed talk show, she had to grapple with the reality that nobody wants to see her as the center of attention. Recap: I’m not prone to hyperbole, but — not counting people who have caused injury or death to other human beings, Kris Jenner is among the very worst people on Earth. Everything you hate about the Kardashians goes back to Kris, who has proven time and again (and then again) that she will put her children in any possible situation that will result in a financial windfall. She’s also by far the most annoying person on all of the TV shows, the only one who still seems to be putting on a show for the cameras while at the same time thinking she’s getting one over on viewers by acting natural. She is the worst. BRUCE Highlight: Finally extracting himself from his now ex-wife Kris and all related Kardashian madness. Lowlight: Still being hounded by paparazzi despite extracting himself from Kardashian madness. Recap: Can we let Bruce be? Seriously, let him live. Whatever he wants to do —hit golf balls, paint his fingernails, hit golf balls with painted fingernails — Bruce has earned the right to do it however he wants to do it. He just spent 20 years married to the woman above on this list. Even if what he wants to do is pitch more reality shows and disprove our faith in him, then that is fine. KOURTNEY Highlight: Had another child, adding to her legitimately adorable brood. (The two best things about “Khloe and Kourtney Take the Hamptons” are 1. every scene Mason is in, 2. the fact that Mason is always wearing a different Kanye tour T-shirt every time he’s on screen.) Lowlight: Another year passes without her developing the ability to raise, lower or change the tone of her voice. Recap: Ugh, Kourtney. The less said about this one, the better. She couldn’t even be bothered to give her third child a normal name, after the perfectly reasonable Mason and Penelope. Reign? Although that could be the Lord’s work… SCOTT DISICK Highlight: Just living life as the Lord, all day every day. Lowlight: Dealing with the death of both of his parents, being banned from sleeping the same room as the mother of his three children. Recap: On the surface, Scott appears pretty awful. He’s inconsiderate to his family, refuses to address his substance abuse issues and seemingly exists to blow big money on a partying lifestyle and brag about it all, like a C-list “Wolf of Wall Street” wannabe. But watch enough of the Kardashians on TV and you will start to appreciate Scott. The rest of the Kardashians are an affront to common decency at their essence. At their core. But Scott is awful in a cartoonish way. As an outsider in this ridiculous world, it’s fair to say he, more than the rest, recognizes the absurdity of it all and runs with it. Which is why we can laugh when he calls himself calls himself Lord Disick and doesn’t just stop there but even creates a flag with an LD logo. Anyway, his parents died within three months of each other at the beginning of the year so the Kardashians are basically the only family he has left, except his baby momma x3 refuses to marry him. ROB Highlight: Well, um… Lowlight: Bailing on the Kimye wedding (after already flying to Paris). Recap: Very tough year for Rob. His weight ballooned, which made him avoid the spotlight and the few times he appeared on the various TV shows he seemed incredibly depressed (or maybe the right level of depressed for someone who is on one of the Kardashian shows and doesn’t want to be there). Ever since Lamar was out of the picture, it’s been downhill for Rob. Those two had something special together, man. Sorry to end on a down note, but hang in there, Rob. I’m not even going to make a socks joke. Emily Yahr contributed to this post. |