England beat India to reach Tri-Series final – as it happened

http://www.theguardian.com/sport/live/2015/jan/30/england-v-india-tri-series-live

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11.00am GMT11:00

Right, that’s it from me. Thank you for your company and your emails. Stick around on site for all the reports and reaction, but for now cheerio!

10.58am GMT10:58

So it’ll be England v Australia in the Tri-Series final on Sunday. And it’ll be on the same Perth pitch as today. The groundsman has some work to do.

10.57am GMT10:57

Well, that got a little hairy for a moment, but Dhoni’s decision to bowl Jadeja released the pressure. And he didn’t seem to have worked out that a tie was good enough for England.

10.56am GMT10:56

England win by three wickets

Woakes pushes and runs from Jadeja’s first. Four more to win. And he drags down a short one, allowing Broad to clip calmly to leg for another single. Three to win. Woakes dabs to leg. Two to win. And Broad pushes to long on for the single that secures a tie and means that England will be in Sunday’s final. The last of the over is a no ball that secures the win.

10.52am GMT10:52

46th over: England 196-7 (Woakes 1, Broad 1) 5 to win from 24 balls Buttler holes out to the man at deep extra. No need, no need. That’s a brain freeze from the keeper. It was a superb innings, but the end of it has prompted some head-shaking here. Anyway, just eight more needed. A huge appeal as a Shami bouncer strikes something on the way through to Dhoni, but the umpire is satisfied that it’s Broad’s arm rather than his bat of gloves. Broad is under a barrage of short balls, one of which is deemed a no ball. Broad then shovels a single into the leg side. Woakes pushes the last into the off for another, and he’ll keep the strike.

Updated at 10.53am GMT

10.49am GMT10:49

WICKET! Buttler c Rayudu b Shami 67 (England 193-7)

Jos. Jos, Jos, Jos.

Updated at 11.02am GMT

10.46am GMT10:46

45th over: England 192-6 (Woakes 1, Buttler 66) 9 to win from 30 balls Patel again. Woakes blocks out the first two, then drives the next straight to mid off. From the fourth he looks to scramble an optimistic single and Buttler might well have been out had Dhoni been able to strike the stumps from in front. You see this standing-in-front technique all the time now, and I do get the idea, but as we saw with Anderson in the India innings it’s pointless if the man at the stumps can’t swing the ball back into the right place.

10.43am GMT10:43

44th over: England 191-6 (Woakes 0, Buttler 66) What a knock that was from James Taylor. The line is in sight for England. But that’s a wicket maiden from Mohit Sharma.

10.40am GMT10:40

WICKET! Taylor c Binny b Sharma 82 (England 191-6)

Taylor attempts a little paddle-pull off Mohit but can only send a top edge stippling towards deep backward square leg. Binny steadies himself and takes a decent catch. A tremor of dread runs through the body of every England fan …

Updated at 10.40am GMT

10.38am GMT10:38

43rd over: England 191-5 (Taylor 82, Buttler 66) “What happened to needing 50 ODIs to know the game?” tweets Gary Naylor. “Wee James Taylor (10) has rather more idea than Ravi Bopara (118).” He’s not wrong. This has been an zombie movie of an innings from the Notts man – chock full of guts and brains.

Buttler gets out the reverse slog-sweep as Jadeja continues, flipping his wrists round and belting the ball away for four. And then there’s a moment of heartbreak for India – a direct hit at the non-strikers’ end with Buttler scrambling. India think they’ve got him. But the third umpire shows he’s got home by a whisker. To add the salt, the ball pinged away to the boundary for four overthrows so that’s five added to the goal. Thirteen from the over and England are nearly there. Just 10 more needed.

10.32am GMT10:32

42nd over: England 178-5 (Taylor 78, Buttler 57) Sharma continues with India in desperate need of a moment of magic. They are nearly handed a wicket when Taylor chips uppishly into the leg side, but the ball drops safe. And the batsmen work five singles.

10.29am GMT10:29

41st over: England 173-5 (Taylor 75, Buttler 55) Some very fine manoeuvring takes this pair to the century partnership. It has been game-changing, and it could well go on to be game-winning. Taylor expertly guides Jadeja wide of midwicket to move England to within 28 runs of victory.

Some excellent improvisation from the kids on the grass bank at the Waca – a balled up pair of socks as a bat and a shoe for a ball. Brilliant. It strikes me as a far safer game than the one described as Tinny Cricket in the comments below the Spin column this week:

Go for a walk with 2 of your mates on a hot sunny day.

Pick up a random aluminium soft-drink (or beer) can. Crush into a vaguely roundish lump.

Grab a garden stake out of someones front yard.

Play cricket in street. One to bowl, one to bat, one to field.

The killer was - after about 5 minutes, the ‘ball’ was now a highly compacted death-star covered in tiny aluminium spikes. Did I mention it was summer, and we would inevitably be wearing shorts and thongs?

I’m still not sure what was worse - bowling, where we tried to run our fingers down the side of the ‘ball’ - resulting in sliced, bleeding fingers and palms. Or was it perhaps batting, where your legs would be slashed and oozing blood? Or was it fielding, where every now and then, a rocket ‘death star’ would be pelted in your direction and you tried to catch it?

It was actually more stupidly insane than it sounds, yet we played this several times. I can only say in my defence that we were young teenage boys - ie, thick, but indestructible.

10.24am GMT10:24

40th over: England 163-5 (Taylor 69, Buttler 51) Mohit Sharma will bowl the final ball of the Powerplay. He overpitches to Buttler, who plays a sumptuous straight drive back past the bowler for four. And from the next he brings up his 50 with a heart-in-mouth chip over and wide of mid on for four more. The half century has taken him 59 balls and has been quite exceptional.

With 10 overs to go, England need 38 more to reach the final.

10.20am GMT10:20

39th over: England 154-5 (Taylor 69, Buttler 42) Patel pings down three dots at Taylor, and the pressure forces a rash shot: an odd dance down the track followed by an attempted sweep. He gets enough on it, though, and picks up four of the ugliest runs imaginable. Determined running brings him two more from the next, and from the last what looks like a glove behind drops safe over Dhoni’s head.

10.18am GMT10:18

38th over: England 148-5 (Taylor 63, Buttler 42) Taylor latches onto a short ball from Shami and pummels a pull out to cow corner for two. A couple of balls later he strikes the same shot even sweeter, and thereby can only pick up a single to the man out in the deep. Buttler can’t beat Kohli at short cover – India have been pretty good in the field in the main.

10.13am GMT10:13

37th over: England 145-5 (Taylor 60, Buttler 42) Patel again, firing it in left-arm round. Three singles off an accurate over.

10.10am GMT10:10

36th over: England 142-5 (Taylor 58, Buttler 41) Powerplay time but England just need to ignore it and continue in their current fashion. Shami returns and he provokes a play-and-miss from Buttler, pretty much the first false shot of his innings. And from the last he repeats the trick, pinning Buttler back with perfect line and length, the ball zipping past a groping outside edge.

10.05am GMT10:05

35th over: England 141-5 (Taylor 57, Buttler 41) Patel returns and a Binny misfield allows Taylor to turn a single into a couple. The camera immediately pans to Dhoni to check out the rage levels. Simmering at the moment, I’d say. Six from the over. England 60 more runs from 90 balls. It’s by no means in the bag just yet.

10.02am GMT10:02

34th over: England 135-5 (Taylor 53, Buttler 39) After a drinks break Jadeja continues. He’s gone through the motions a little bit really. Perhaps he’s just been bowling at the wrong time – just when an England pair find their feet – but he’s carried very little threat and looks like Dhoni has him bowling out of necessity rather than choice. Four from the over.

9.57am GMT09:57

33rd over: England 131-5 (Taylor 50, Buttler 38) Taylor brings up a very hard-earned half-century with a push off Mohit. It’s taken him 86 balls to get there and it has been tough graft, but graft he has. I can’t be the only one with a real soft spot for him. I’d be happy to see him in the Test team this year. Mohit responds with a superb bouncer that whistles past the bristles on Buttler’s chin. One wicket is all it’ll take for India to get right back in this.

9.52am GMT09:52

32nd over: England 128-5 (Taylor 48, Buttler 37) “Is it not a joy how much more chewy and zesty a one-dayer is if the pitch is a bit of a git?” writes Robert Wilson. “Seriously, if every run is harder and sweatier, does it not count more? Rahane’s 70-odd seems quite masterly now and Taylor looks like he suits this stuff. It’s so much better than a shrug-and-whack-it 700 runs in a day carpet. Or do I sound like a 19th century paterfamilias telling an errant daughter that fewer is more maidenly? I’m always sounding like that.”

Chewy is a very good description for this innings. In fact, I don’t think there’s a better one. Jadeja has this pair tied down for the first time in a while. Just three singles from the over.

9.50am GMT09:50

31st over: England 125-5 (Taylor 46, Buttler 36) Mohit Sharma, whose brilliant spell earlier yielded figures of 5-0-14-1, returns. It’s tight stuff again, but the fifth is a little too full and Buttler crunches him wide of mid off for four. Wonderful shot. Six from the over.

9.44am GMT09:44

30th over: England 119-5 (Taylor 45, Buttler 31) Jadeja once more and Taylor again gets the sweep out. Just a single, but from the next Buttler plays a clever little dab-cut that is timed to perfection and rattles away to the boundary. Eight in all from the over. If these two can stay out there for another 10 overs England should be home and hosed. That’s a fairly large ‘if’, though.

9.41am GMT09:41

29th over: England 111-5 (Taylor 43, Buttler 25) Patel returns to the fray and slaps Taylor on the pad with his first. It’s sliding maybe foot down the leg side but that doesn’t stop a strangled appeal. Taylor clips the next for a couple then sweeps uppishly for another single. Butler does likewise for a couple more. This partnership is worth 45 from 54 balls.

9.38am GMT09:38

28th over: England 106-5 (Taylor 40, Buttler 23) Shami gets one to spit up and strike Taylor on the gloves, a nasty blow but one that Taylor does well to control. Buttler, who has come out and played like he’s on an entirely different pitch from everyone else (and in doing so has got Taylor playing in a far more relaxed fashion), clips a straight one away for another single to move to 22 from 25 balls. Shami’s radar has gone a little haywire here – he’s either been far too wide of off or far too straight. Five more singles added to the tally. The mercury rises further in the Dhoni Funkometer.

9.33am GMT09:33

27th over: England 101-5 (Taylor 37, Buttler 21) Shot! Buttler smites Jadeja through the covers for a boundary that brings up the England 100. The bowler responds, though, with five dots the last of which misses the outside edge by a whisker.

9.30am GMT09:30

26th over: England 97-5 (Taylor 37, Buttler 17) Dhoni has a full funk on now. The India fielders are wincing in the white hot heat of his grump. No one wants to catch his eye. Meanwhile, Shami beats a strange little short-armed jab-tickle from Taylor. Poor shot, but he gets away with it. He runs the next down to third man for a single, which is probably what he was trying to do with the previous ball. Five from the over.

9.26am GMT09:26

25th over: England 92-5 (Taylor 35, Buttler 15) Jadeja again. Single, single, then a lovely little paddle sweep for three from Buttler, a shot played with delightful delicacy. Dhoni ignores the throw in from the boundary in order to berate the fielder for being in the wrong position. Six from the over. That’s the halfway point and the game is in the balance.

9.23am GMT09:23

24th over: England 86-5 (Taylor 33, Buttler 11) “Can someone explain why were trying to bludgeon our way to this total rather than getting in and nurdling four an over?” rages Tom Collins on Twitter. Yes, the collective brain hasn’t rely been engaged so far, but this is much more like it from England Shami (3-0-10-0) returns, Taylor bunts one to square leg for a single, Buttler responds with a work to deep backward point for another. And rinse and repeat. Again. It’s amazing how a couple of overs of well-worked singles can tilt the feel of the game. All of a sudden a few doubts are creeping into the fielding team.

9.17am GMT09:17

23rd over: England 82-5 (Taylor 31, Buttler 9) Jadeja continues with his left-armers. Given the required run-rate England barely need to play a shot and that’s the approach they take here, with five successive singles worked around the field. As Andy Townsend might say: Better.

And it is better, for me Clive.

9.15am GMT09:15

22nd over: England 77-5 (Taylor 28, Buttler 7) Binny (7-0-26-3) once more. A few deep breaths required from the England batsmen. After three dots Buttler works Binny to leg for a single, then the bowler sends down a wide at Taylor. From the last Taylor drops-and-runs – in bonkers, bonkers fashion – and Buttler is yards out if the charging Rahane hits but luckily for England he misses. Buttler celebrates the reprieve with a boundary but that was a moment of madness from Taylor.

Updated at 9.52am GMT

9.10am GMT09:10

21st over: England 70-5 (Taylor 27, Buttler 2) Jadeja comes into the attack for the first time. Taylor works a single, and Buttler guides to long off for the same. And rinse and repeat. Four from the over.

9.08am GMT09:08

20th over: England 66-5 (Taylor 25, Buttler 0) That’s a shame as RavBop had brought a bit of energy with him to the crease. The ship needs to be steadied here.

9.07am GMT09:07

WICKET! Bopara c Jadeja b Binny 4 (England 66-5)

Binny (6-0-22-2) continues. Bopara times an attempted slower ball sweetly through the covers and picks up three courtesy of a miserable bit of fielding. But he follows that up with some miserable batting. He can’t blame the pitch for this one, it’s just a rank bad shot. Bopara gently helps a wide one from Binny straight into the hands of Jadeja at backward point.

Updated at 9.45am GMT

9.03am GMT09:03

19th over: England 62-4 (Taylor 24, Bopara 1) Taylor flicks Patel for a couple through midwicket and then skitters a single. His 20 from 48 balls is turning into a crucial knock. The bowler drags the last down and this time Taylor is able to leap all over it, cutting with expert placement for four.

9.00am GMT09:00

18th over: England 54-4 (Taylor 17, Bopara 0) A toe-ended end for the England captain. This is getting very, very nervy for England.

8.59am GMT08:59

WICKET! Morgan c Dhawan b Binny 2 (England 54-4)

After the fireworks of the last over, this is far more sedate affair. The batsmen nurdle a couple of singles off Binny. And just as I type that, Morgan holes out to mid on from the last. He looks disgustedly at the pitch as he walks off.

8.56am GMT08:56

17th over: England 52-3 (Taylor 16, Morgan 1) “I find it rather reassuring that England have retained the ability to make any total an edge of the seat, white knuckle adventure through the many corridors of uncertainty,” writes Phil Withall. “I feel a tear of gratitude forming.”

Patel drags one down, but Taylor misses out, clubbing only for a miscued single. From the next the ball rears up like an angry bear, smiting the splice of Morgan’s bat. It only just drops safe short of extra cover. And from the next the bear isn’t just angry – the ball rears up like a bear who has just been told his bit of the forest is to be cleared for a car park. And that there’s no more honey for him. Ever. It bounces neck high! Neck high! From the spinner! Morgan gets an elbow on it and manages to survive. He escapes with a single, then Taylor sweeps for the first boundary of his innings.

8.49am GMT08:49

16th over: England 46-3 (Taylor 11, Morgan 0) Taylor pulls Binny hard for a single which gives the England captain chance to examine just how tricky it is to score runs on this pitch. He’s played out six dots without scoring, then Binny, round the wicket, sends one zagging into the front pad. A huge appeal goes up but the umpire isn’t interested – it may have struck Morgan just outside the line, it may have been going just over. Either way, there’s enough doubt to save the batsman.

8.44am GMT08:44

15th over: England 44-3 (Taylor 10, Morgan 0) One from Patel’s over. He has figures of 3-1-3-1. And the required run rate is creeping up towards five an over – not usually a problem but on this pitch …

8.42am GMT08:42

14th over: England 44-3 (Taylor 9, Morgan 0) This is getting far more interesting than England would like.

8.41am GMT08:41

WICKET! Root c & b Binny 3 (England 44-3)

Binny offers Root a leg-stump half-volley that the new batsman gratefully flicks away for three. Taylor, a little like Ali, has really struggled to get going – he’s played seven scoring shots from his 34 balls, picking up only eight runs in the process. It’s been, dare I say, a little Cook-esque. After three more dots he flicks away for a single, but from the next Root goes! Binny takes a touch of pace off and Root offers him a sharp return chance that he snaffles.

Updated at 9.44am GMT

8.36am GMT08:36

13th over: England 40-2 (Taylor 8, Root 0) That wicket has revved up the India fans in the crowd. And it has revved up Patel too, who bowls quickly at the best of times but is now firing them in at lively medium pace. Taylor prods and pokes but can’t get the ball away so that’s a wicket maiden.

Updated at 8.37am GMT

8.34am GMT08:34

WICKET! c Rayudu b Patel 17 (England 40-2)

Ali’s scratchy stay comes to an end. He looks to launch the first ball of Patel’s over into the stands at long off but can only pick out the man stationed in the deep there. What you might call a Fairly Ordinary end to a Fairly Ordinary innings. Ali goes for 17 from 34 balls.

Updated at 9.42am GMT

8.31am GMT08:31

12th over: England 40-1 (Taylor 8, Ali 17) Binny returns. Taylor stays watchful then scampers through for two after working the ball wide of midwicket. Binny responds by bunging down a wide – criminal at his pace really – but other than that it’s a fairly tidy return. Three from the over.

8.28am GMT08:28

11th over: England 37-1 (Taylor 6, Ali 17) Spin for the first time – Axar Patel comes twirling into the attack. Ali pushes calmly for a single to mid off. Taylor does likewise into the covers. There’s two off the over and a sudden sense of tranquility.

8.25am GMT08:25

10th over: England 35-1 (Taylor 5, Ali 16) On the grass bank at midwicket a small child has been run out after his batting partner called him through for a suicidal single. Decent work from the fielder through – he only had a baseball cap lying on the ground to aim at. Ah memories.

Mohit splutters in again for the fifth over of his spell. Ali is denied by another brilliant stop from Rahane in the covers and after four dots he plays dangerously loftily through the same area and gets three for his trouble. Taylor has another huge, hairy waft at the last. Scrappy stuff, but intriguing in its own way. The bad news for fans of free-scoring is that Sunday’s final will be played on the same pitch as today’s game …

8.19am GMT08:19

9th over: England 32-1 (Taylor 5, Ali 13) Taylor looks to launch Shami into the Indian Ocean but fails to connect, then does connect with a pull shot that comes out of the meat of the middle but is denied by a fine stop from Rahane. Ali squirts the next away for four to the backward point boundary to move into double figures. And, all in all, that’s better from England – seven off the over.

8.14am GMT08:14

8th over: England 25-1 (Taylor 4, Ali 8) Ali carves Mohit away through backward point for a single, then Taylor plays out three dots. It has been a snail-slow start from England but the lack of scoreboard pressure means they won’t be too concerned. After playing out 11 successive dots Taylor finally gets runs with a not-entirely-sweetly-timed drive through the covers for three. From the last, Mohit finds Ali’s edge but it drops a couple of yards short of the man at first slip.

8.09am GMT08:09

7th over: England 21-1 (Taylor 1, Ali 7) Shami starts off with a slower ball bouncer that seams away and beats Ali’s pull – blimey, that was a strange delivery. It pitched in the bowler’s half of the track. A couple of balls later he wangs down a wide, but he’s got Ali completely tied down here. The opener eventually gets a single courtesy of an inside edge that isn’t a million miles away from ricocheting onto the stumps. Ali has seven from 20 balls, Taylor one from nine.

8.03am GMT08:03

6th over: England 19-1 (Taylor 1, Ali 6) Mohit continues. Ali pulls again and this time gets enough bat on ball to send the thing away to the square leg boundary. The batsmen jog through for two. That’s enough to persuade the bowler to come round the wicket. Another couple of dots follow before a thick edge flies wide of the slips and down to third man for a single. Either Ali is out of nick here or the pitch is being a bit of a rascal. I have a feeling it’s a little of both.

7.59am GMT07:59

5th over: England 16-1 (Taylor 1, Ali 3) Mohammed Shami enters the fray and his eyes light up when a short one flashes through past Taylor at eyebrow height. His pleasure will have been slightly mitigated by the umpire signalling a wide. That’s the only run of an otherwise very tight over.

7.54am GMT07:54

4th over: England 15-1 (Taylor 1, Ali 3) Taylor is off the mark immediately with a single, but that is a very fine over from Mohit. India needed Bell early and they’ve got him.

7.52am GMT07:52

WICKET! Bell lbw b Mohit Sharma 10 (England 14-1)

Ali looks to belt the cover of the thing with a furious drive but connects only with fresh Perth air. I say ‘fresh’ … it’s actually fairly cloudy and with thunderstorms forecast for later I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a bit muggy at the Waca at the moment. Ali is struggling a bit against Mohit Sharma – he follows up that play and miss with two more, both pull shots beaten by a bit of extra bounce. A push into the offside allows him to escape to the non-strikers’ end. And escape is right – from the next Mohit has trapped Bell lbw with one that keeps hideously low!

Updated at 9.40am GMT

7.47am GMT07:47

3rd over: England 13-0 (Bell 10, Ali 2) Ali pushes Binny into the off and scurries for a quick single, then Bell squirts one high over backward point for a couple more. A superb diving stop from Virat Kohli at mid-off denies Bell a boundary, but there’s nothing he can do about the next – another one of those double-chocolate luxury cover drives from Bell. Glorious. Utterly glorious. The last rears up from only marginally short of a length and slaps into the batsman’s gloves and he’s relieved to see the ball drop well short of the three-man slip cordon.

7.44am GMT07:44

2nd over: England 6-0 (Bell 4, Ali 1) Mohit Sharma – blessed with a run-up that begins and falters like a misfiring charabanc before finally catching – takes the new ball at the other end and he tucks Ali up just a touch with his first, then beats the outside edge with one that wobbles away from the left-hander. Four dots and it takes a misfield at mid on from the fifth to get Ali off the mark with a single.

7.39am GMT07:39

1st over: England 5-0 (Bell 4, Ali 0) Binny begins with the ball for India and he bangs the first in short. Too short. That’s a wide. The next, though, finds a but of extra bounce and beats the top edge of Bell’s attempted cut. The Sledgehammer of Eternal Justice soon gets off the mark, though, and in some style with a cover drive to make you tingle in all the right places that zips away for four.

“When the PA system at the ground played The King of Wishful Thinking they were clearly sledging the England team,” writes Tom van der Gucht. “a) ’I’ll get over you, I know I will’ is obviously a KP jibe and b) it was chosen as a means of mocking any ill advised belief that England might win the match, the one day series, the World Cup, the Ashes or any other series of importance in the near future.

“They were lampooning us with pure cheese, I don’t know what song the ECB would select in an act of revenge, perhaps Against All Odds by Phil Collins.”

7.10am GMT07:10

Hello everyone. So no half-measures from India there – a proper, 24-carat, full-fat collapse from 103-1 to 200 all out. This India bowling attack is one that, in Australian conditions certainly, needs big totals to defend. If the batsmen don’t fire, they’re in a big trouble and that’s exactly what they’re in here.

That said, there has been a fair bit of uneven bounce at the Waca today. That does mean that a target of 200 isn’t quite as straightforward as it might at first appear. But it should still be pretty straightforward.

And just to remind the scroll-averse, we’re in a winner-takes-all situation here. The bonus point, run rates … they’re both irrelevant. If England knock these runs off they’ll face Australia in the final on this ground on Sunday. If India somehow prevent them from doing so it’ll be MS Dhoni and co in the final.

7.00am GMT07:00

Right then. That was a pretty woeful collapse from India, losing nine wickets for 82 runs after the openers made a steady start. England will be disappointed to have let them get to 200 after having them nine down for under 170, but this should still be a gettable target against this bowling attack.

John Ashdown is the man to guide you through the chase. He’s on john.ashdown@theguardian.com. Bye!

6.55am GMT06:55

Wicket! Shami c Buttler b Woakes 25 – India 200 all out

Woakes into his final over. Can he keep India under 200? No; rather he’ll hand it to them on a plate with a wide. But that’s it as Shami swings and gets an edge through to Buttler.

6.53am GMT06:53

48th over: India 199-9 (Sharma 7, Shami 25) Anderson comes back and he’s digging them in too. It’s obviously a team strategy but I’m not quite sure what the thinking behind it is. Shami pushes one into the covers for two; he should be run out, but Anderson misses the stumps after taking Morgan’s throw in front of them, swinging blindly behind them. Now Shami slashes at one outside off-stump and edges through the vacant slip cordon for four more! This is ridiculous. The partnership is 34.

6.48am GMT06:48

47th over: India 190-9 (Sharma 6, Shami 18) Woakes will, along with Anderson, finish the innings off. Actually England will be very disappointed if they need another four overs. Woakes drops short and Shami leathers him way into the crowd over square leg. This is poor bowling to tail-enders; a chronic problem for England. Short and wide this time and crunched through backward point, really nicely played. And then a slow wide. Slow and short and dabbed away for another one. We’ve seen 24 overs of rubbish cricket from India and now England, again thinking they’ve got the job done, are bowling utter rubbish. India’s best over that.

“Enjoying your choice of badass songs.” Thanks, Ravi Nair. “Glad you youngsters still appreciate music from My-m-m-my G-g-g-g-generation!”

6.43am GMT06:43

46th over: India 177-9 (Sharma 5, Shami 7) Shami is going to go down swinging it seems. He looks to swing a short delivery from Broad over fine leg but gets nowhere near it. He then pushes a single to mid-off and Sharma, running to the striker’s end, is gone if Moeen hits with his throw. As you can no doubt tell from the lack of a big orange “WICKET!” header, he does not hit. England need to pitch it up here. Broad drops short and Sharma mullers it over point for four. Broad finishes with 2-56.

6.38am GMT06:38

45th over: India 170-9 (Sharma 0, Shami 5) The WACA PA operator has been magnificent today. The latest offering is the second most badass song ever written, Whole Lotta Love (Won’t Get Fooled Again is first).

Anyhow, Finn is on for his final over and he gets rid of Patel with minimal fuss. Shami comes to the crease and plays a nice shot over slip and away for four to third man.

6.35am GMT06:35

Wicket! Patel c Bell b Finn 1

Another beauty from Ian Bell! Patel has a big slash at one pitched up outside off-stump, gets a thick edge and Bell tumbles to his left, taking it in two hands this time.

6.33am GMT06:33

44th over: India 165-8 (Sharma 0, Patel 1) Axar Patel is the new man. And before he can face a ball Jadeja throws his wicket away. That’s really irresponsible from India’s last recognised batsman and his team is falling apart here. John Ashdown has just emailed me to say he’s awake (he is, quite sensibly, doing this from home) and it’s a good job. He’ll be on for the second innings pretty shortly I’ll wager. Mohit Sharma joins Patel at the crease and the latter’s single is all that India get from the over.

6.30am GMT06:30

Wicket! Jadeja c Finn b Broad 5

Jadeja walks down the track, has a big mow and loops it up in the air. Finn holds on at mid-on.

6.28am GMT06:28

43rd over: India 164-7 (Jadeja 5, Patel 0) It’s a little surprising that Anderson is finding the most bounce of England’s bowlers. I guess he’s the most accurate and can therefore hit the cracks. He does so here and Dhoni takes it flush on the helmet. He removes his lid and grins at the bowler, knowing he was well beaten there. Now Dhoni looks to go over cover but doesn’t quite get hold of it and that’s just a single. Jadeja gets one too and then with the final ball Dhoni is gone.

6.27am GMT06:27

Wicket! Dhoni LBW b Anderson 17

Anderson keeps one low this time, it moves back in off the seam and Dhoni, back when he should be forward, is plum.

6.23am GMT06:23

42nd over: India 162-6 (Jadeja 4, Dhoni 16) Moeen Ali has one over remaining and this will be it. He gets a leading edge from Dhoni. The India captain doesn’t really look comfortable, but then when does he ever early in an innings? Just two singles from the over and I reckon India need 10 an over here to set England a decent target.

6.19am GMT06:19

41st over: India 160-6 (Jadeja 3, Dhoni 15) With the powerplay done, James Anderson comes back

and punches Ravi Jadeja in the face

. Dhoni looks to hammer it through the off-side but there’s a good diving stop at point. England’s fielding has been good today, I can’t think of any real mistakes. Dhoni gets a single and he too slips in doing so. Now Jadeja only just survives; his half-hearted pull landing just short of Finn at backward square leg. Just three from the over.

6.16am GMT06:16

40th over: India 157-6 (Jadeja 1, Dhoni 14) Finn’s into his ninth over now and it pays dividends as another wicket goes down. It’s the no-rounder rather than the big one but they’ll take it. Ravi Jadeja is the new man. Ooh and it’s nearly another wicket from the final ball as Dhoni’s wild thrash sends the ball off the toe-end and it just evades Bell at slip and gets away for four.

6.11am GMT06:11

Wicket! Binny c Bell b Finn 7

Ooh what a catch! Binny looks to drive a full ball through the covers but gets a thick outside edge. Bell dives to his right at second slip and takes a glorious one-handed catch.

6.09am GMT06:09

39th over: India 152-5 (Binny 7, Dhoni 10) Stuart Broad now and Binny takes a single from his first ball. Dhoni then has a wild swing at a short one but misses it. Better a couple of balls later though as he drives square through the off-side off the back foot for four. And then another when Broad drops short and wide and gets thrashed through backward point.

Updated at 6.10am GMT

6.05am GMT06:05

38th over: India 143-5 (Binny 6, Dhoni 2) Dhoni has a heart-in-mouth moment as he gets a leading edge, which loops over the bowler and drops just short of silly mid-on. That would have been an absolute disaster. Great over from “Fantastic Finny” – which makes him sound like some kind of cartoon dolphin – going for just one.

These really are crap, aren’t they?

Well bowled @finnysteve! #EngvInd #triseries pic.twitter.com/DsqkEe2Gir

6.01am GMT06:01

37th over: India 142-5 (Binny 5, Dhoni 2) Woakes is back on and Dhoni helps his first ball around the corner for one. Binny then gets his first runs flicking a full-toss through mid-on for four.

5.57am GMT05:57

36th over: India 136-5 (Binny 0, Dhoni 1) Steve Finn returns for the powerplay, Ali having bowled nine overs on the spin. Rahane ramps the first ball down to third man to move to 73 from 100 balls. Dhoni then gets off the mark with an unorthodox – of course it’s unorthodox – swivel-pull to mid-wicket for one more. Oh and then Rahane, the set man goes. Morgan’s bowling changes have come off really well in this match. Binny the new man and he’s close to edging a beauty of a final ball from Finn.

An hour ago, India were 83 for 0. Now they are 136 for 5 http://t.co/2I2yzIUZ3t

5.54am GMT05:54

Wicket! Rahane c Buttler b Finn 73

Rahane fishes outside off and gets a nick. Buttler tumbles forward and takes another excellent low catch.

5.50am GMT05:50

35th over: India 134-4 (Rahane 72, Dhoni 0) Out comes MS Dhoni. England are well on top here and that wicket, in the last over before the powerplay, was perfectly timed. That said, it may be a new batsman in for the powerplay, but it’s possibly the greatest ODI batsman of all time. Still, Broad gives him a working over in this over, getting one to rise and catch him on the wrist. Wicket maiden.

Updated at 5.57am GMT

5.47am GMT05:47

Wicket! Rayudu c Buttler b Broad 12

Broad gets a wicket his bowling has probably deserved. Banged in hard, it’s too close for Rayudu to cut. The batsman tries anyway and gets the edge.

5.46am GMT05:46

34th over: India 134-3 (Rahane 72, Rayudu 12) Ali continues after drinks and concedes just three singles. The PA plays this belting tune.

5.40am GMT05:40

33rd over: India 131-3 (Rahane 71, Rayudu 10) Can Stuart Broad end his drought? Don’t know about you, but I always find it funny when he struggles, just to see the internal rage building inside him. Rayudu likes that too, standing and delivering to a back-of-a-length ball, not quite middling it but getting four with a back-foot slap down the ground anyway. Broad then bounces Rahane with the final ball, induces the top edge and watches it fly over square leg for six! 11 from the over.

I've heard if you take no wickets in a tri series you are in the top 10% of bowlers in the world #stay #humble

5.35am GMT05:35

32nd over: India 120-3 (Rahane 65, Rayudu 5) It looks like it might be a bit damp underfoot out there. Buttler slipped over earlier to allow an overthrow and twice now I’ve seen batsmen slip while playing the sweep shot. Four singles from the over.

5.32am GMT05:32

31st over: India 116-3 (Rahane 63, Rayudu 3) Stuart Broad, who has copied my haircut and beard, comes back on and straight away Rahane comes down the track and flat-bats it through long-off for four. The bowler responds with a pair of good one to Rayudu that shape away and beat the outside edge.

5.28am GMT05:28

30th over: India 111-3 (Rahane 58, Rayudu 3) Rayudu is the new man, down the order at five. He’s nearly out for a duck too, as he sets off for an utterly idiotic run, realises his mistake and turns around, just getting his bat down in time.

It’s remarkable that India are still underestimating Moeen Ali. Or, if they’re not, that they can’t read a decent-but-no-better orthodox off-spinner. Rayudu gets off the mark with a drive for three, but his side are falling apart.

5.23am GMT05:23

Wicket! Raina c Woakes b Ali 1

That’s rubbish from Raina. He gives Ali the charge, looks to smack it over cover and gets a thick outside edge straight to gully.

5.22am GMT05:22

29th over: India 106-2 (Rahane 56, Raina 1) Finn’s first ball of the over cuts Rahane in half as the batsman looked to give him the charge. Well bowled. He tries it again a couple of balls later and mistimes a rubbish slog along the floor to mid-on. Four dot balls, then a fifth comes complete with an LBW appeal but it was too high. Finally a thick outside edge down to third man makes it one from the over and the pressure is building on India here. I reckon they need a pretty hefty score as there’s not enough in this pitch for their bowlers to trouble England.

5.18am GMT05:18

28th over: India 105-2 (Rahane 55, Raina 1) Moeen Ali does it again for England then. Needless to say, Kohli was a massive danger after the openers made a solid platform so that’s such an important wicket. The new man Raina gets off the mark awkwardly, losing balance as he sweeps the fifth ball of the over for a single.

5.15am GMT05:15

Wicket! Kohli c Root b Ali 8

Kohli steps down the wicket to Ali and looks to drive over the top, but he slaps it straight to Joe Root on the long-off boundary.

5.13am GMT05:13

27th over: India 103-1 (Rahane 54, Kohli 8) Finn is back on and Rahane likes the look of him. He comes down the track to one that’s in the, er, salmon area (I hate myself), gets nowhere near it and swings so hard that he hits himself on the helmet with his bat.

The ECB is now employing 13-year-olds and giving them access to MS Paint. Also they have spelt their own player’s name wrong.

"Well bowled Woaksey!!" pic.twitter.com/kg6ztfz4a4

5.09am GMT05:09

26th over: India 100-1 (Rahane 52, Kohli 7) A horrible full-toss from Ali and Rahane rather misses out, hitting it to the fielder at long-on. Still, Kohli works the next ball for a single to bring up the India 100.

5.06am GMT05:06

25th over: India 95-1 (Rahane 50, Kohli 4) Woakes dives to stop a crunching straight drive and wears it on his wrist. That’s hurt him a bit and it’s his bowling hand too. It was a great bit of fielding but he looks in a fair amount of discomfort and we’re taking a break for drinks. He’s fit to continue though and the batsmen exchange singles, Rahane moving to within one of his 50. And he gets it from the fourth ball of the over, turning it round the corner and picking up his first half century of the tournament. 71 balls and just two fours in there.

4.59am GMT04:59

24th over: India 91-1 (Rahane 48, Kohli 2) This is excellent Test match batting from India, with England’s bowling drier than Stewart Lee. Two from the over.

4.57am GMT04:57

23rd over: India 89-1 (Rahane 47, Kohli 1) Rahane steps across, Woakes goes just past leg-stump and that’s the first extra against the England bowlers today. Just three from the over though and that’s another good over from Woakes.

4.53am GMT04:53

22nd over: India 86-1 (Rahane 45, Kohli 1) Ali carries on, which is a bit of a surprise with a new batsman at the crease. He has a leg-slip in place, so they’re expecting a bit of turn. A bit more than there’s any evidence of, in fact. Kohli winds up and looks to hammer it back past the bowler, but Ali stops it withe more nonchalance than... I don’t know, I’m too tired to come up with similes right now.

4.50am GMT04:50

21st over: India 83-1 (Rahane 43, Kohli 0) England needed that. The bowling change works very well for England, but India mean business and promote Virat Kohli to number three in his 150th ODI. Woakes is actually bowling quicker than Finn here. It was a good catch from Buttler too, having to go forward as the ball was dying on him.

Woakes’ first spell wasn’t great, but that’s an excellent start: a wicket maiden.

4.47am GMT04:47

Wicket! Dhawan c Buttler b Woakes 38

Finally. Dhawan looks to cut one that’s far too close to the body, and too low, and he gets a fairly thick bottom edge through to the keeper

Updated at 4.47am GMT

4.45am GMT04:45

20th over: India 83-0 (Rahane 43, Dhawan 38) Rahane is using his feet well to get to the pitch of the ball from Ali and work him around. India’s openers can call Kenny Loggins back, ‘cuz they’re pretty well out of the danger zone now. Thick outside edge from Rahane and it skids down to third man for four more.

Paul Waggott’s been thinking too hard about salmon length for this time of the morning: “Simple really. It’s the length from where balls have bounced and rushed the batsman, or as one might say “Rushed ‘im”. Rushed ‘im > Rushdie > Salman Rushdie > Salmon. Aussie rhyming slang at its finest.”

4.41am GMT04:41

19th over: India 75-0 (Rahane 36, Dhawan 37) This is all too comfortable for India now. Finn is barely hitting 80mph, which is really disappointing. If England decide to pick Tredwell as a spin option at all in the World Cup it’s probably a choice between him and Broad for the chop. Six balls: six singles.

4.37am GMT04:37

18th over: India 69-0 (Rahane 33, Dhawan 34) Moeen Ali is on after drinks. I won’t lie to you: the coffee machine was slower than I thought it’d be and I missed the first four balls. I see a single came from the fourth. The sixth brings an appeal for LBW but it’s drifting down leg and the batsmen scamper a leg-bye. Good over from Ali though.

4.31am GMT04:31

17th over: India 67-0 (Rahane 32, Dhawan 34)

Tamsin Greig

Steve Finn again. Dhawan looks to crunch him back down the ground, but the bat twists in his hand and it just dribbles back to the bowler. Then, a few balls later, Rahane gets an inside edge past the stumps. Rahane’s not timing it well, but this pitch certainly seems to have settled down a lot. It’s ominous for England, given the depth of India’s batting, although England’s batsmen will play on worse surfaces.

64 is India's best opening stand at WACA, Perth Prev: 63 runs: Shastri-Srikkanth also vs Eng in Feb 1992 #IndvsEng

Updated at 4.37am GMT

4.26am GMT04:26

16th over: India 65-0 (Rahane 31, Dhawan 32) It wouldn’t be an England ODI without some moderately entertaining comedy fielding. Rahane thinks about a single, then changes his mind and turns back. Broad fields off his own bowling and throws at the stumps, but misses and Buttler slips over allowing the batsmen to get the overthrow. Broad then hits a crack in the pitch and his bouncer goes flying over the batsman’s head and Buttler does very well to take it high above his head. Weirdly, it’s not called a wide. Four singles from the over.

4.22am GMT04:22

15th over: India 61-0 (Rahane 29, Dhawan 30) Holy moly an appeal. That’s the closest England have got to a wicket that isn’t a run-out chance. Anyway, it’s for LBW against Dhawan, but it was too high and pitched a mile outside leg-stump. The next ball is overpitched and driven classily, out the middle of the bat, through extra cover for four. Finn follows this up by giving Dhawan width, but Anderson cuts the cut off, as it were, on the boundary to keep them to one.

4.17am GMT04:17

14th over: India 54-0 (Rahane 28, Dhawan 25) Broad bowls across the left-hander and beats Dhawan’s flash with one that keeps low. He was unlucky in the last over, Broad, not to pick up his first wicket of the tournament. Although the fact that it would have been his first wicket of the tournament tells you that he hasn’t really been bowling very well. A single to Dhawan, who looks nicely settled now, brings up the 50 in 13.4 overs. Then, as if to prove my point, he cuts one that wasn’t too wide through backward point for four.

4.13am GMT04:13

13th over: India 48-0 (Rahane 27, Dhawan 20) In between overs, the PA plays what sounds like some woeful cover of the Rolling Stones’ Miss You. Anyhow, here’s Steven Finn. He’s on at the same end from which Anderson found a bit of variable bounce, so this could be interesting. Rahane works a straight one into the on-side from off-stump and the batsmen run hard for two. After the shakiness of the running in the first two overs, these two are going nicely now.

It wasn’t that interesting.

“Hi Dan,” begins Mike Lyle.

“How come you guys did not do an OBO of the Big Bash Final? Now that was a great game of cricket, plus you did not have to get up at 3am to watch (or cover) it. This game,on the other hand, is incredibly boring and pointless. It does make me yearn for the days the proper commentators. Benaud Lawry and Greig would somehow have managed even this match sound exciting. This current crop just do not have the skills to enliven the on-field action.”

I was going to say because domestic T20 tournaments are awful slog fests and I hate them and no one cares. But then it turns out we did actually do an OBO, so I won’t.

4.08am GMT04:08

12th over: India 44-0 (Rahane 24, Dhawan 19) Dhawan pushes into the off-side for a single. They’ve gone straight into the Boring Middle Overs from ball one in this match, essentially. Oh and then some luck for Dhawan as he gets a thick inside edge down, past the stumps and away for four runs. As streaky as Erika Roe, that one. There are a couple more nondescript singles in the over.

4.04am GMT04:04

11th over: India 36-0 (Rahane 21, Dhawan 14) Anderson gets another one to get big on Rahane and catches the batsman on the hands. Rahane makes sure to get off strike with a quick single. Dhawan might as well be trying to draw blood from a stone though: the guy has a phenomenal record in ODIs – his strike-rate and average are pretty similar to Kevin Pietersen’s, as it happens – but he’s in woeful form at the moment. Just two from the over and Anderson’s six have gone for just 10 runs so far.

Updated at 4.05am GMT

4.00am GMT04:00

10th over: India 34-0 (Rahane 20, Dhawan 13) Yep, Eoin Morgan makes a change: Broad is on for Woakes.

Stuart Broad STAT ALERT! 2006-2010: avg 25.7, ER 5.15, SR 29.9, 10 x 4wkt games 2011-present: avg 39.2, ER 5.44, SR 43.1, 1 x 4wkt game

His second delivery reflects those stats above, I guess: full and wide and belted through point by Rahane for today’s second boundary. Nothing more on offer though aside from a single to square leg off the final ball. 34 from the powerplay, which is decent from England but they might be a touch disappointed they didn’t capitalise on India’s nervy start in the first few overs.

3.55am GMT03:55

9th over: India 29-0 (Rahane 15, Dhawan 13) Rahane picks the in-swinger and flicks it up in the air over mid-on and it plugs in the outfield again. Two runs. Jimmy does not like that and gets the next one, slightly back of a length, to jag back in and tuck the batsman up. Rahane goes after Anderson again, a woeful uncontrolled shot that flies up in the air and over cover for a couple more. He’s got away with two pretty ordinary shots in this over. Five from the over.

“To be fair, I love a good salmon length,” honks Erik Petersen. “Crackers, white wine, some of that dill spread they sell at the IKEA dining hall. A delight.”

3.51am GMT03:51

8th over: India 24-0 (Rahane 10, Dhawan 13) Woakes, who hasn’t quite got his length right so far, carries on. India can only pick up four singles – the last coming from a thick outside edge thrashed over gully – but Woakes isn’t looking threatening at all.

3.47am GMT03:47

7th over: India 20-0 (Rahane 8, Dhawan 11) Anderson continues and India get a sharp leg-bye from the first ball. The next four are on a tight line, not offering Dhawan any width outside off, but he strays fractionally too leg-side with the final delivery and Dhawan tucks him away for one more.

Matt Harris explains “salmon length”: “Hi Dan, I believe ‘salmon length’ is an Ian Healy-ism. He used to describe it that way based on the colours they used. Obviously spend too long under the helmet.”

That’s no excuse for changing the text.

3.43am GMT03:43

6th over: India 18-0 (Rahane 8, Dhawan 10) Rahane has a thrash, launching it up and over cover but the ball plugs in the outfield and they run two. That’s India’s most productive ball yet. Not for long though as Woakes offers too much width to Dhawan with the fourth ball and gets thrashed through point for four runs. Three other singles in the over and that’s much better for India.

Ravi Nair is awake: “Morning Dan. So far so good, of course. Did you manage to find a friend in Lunnon who would let you do this from home or have you been trapped in the dungeons under Guardian Towers?”

Nope I’m in the office. My friends are rubbish, as is my internet connection at home that means I can’t stream this through Virgin Anywhere reliably enough.

3.39am GMT03:39

5th over: India 9-0 (Rahane 4, Dhawan 5) What in the holy living hell is this? Channel 9 – at least I assume that’s whose pictures I’m seeing – have included something called “salmon length” on their pitch map. This is a disgrace. It’s where you would normally put the word “good”. An excellent over from Anderson, everything shaping away from Dhawan and the batsman gets precisely zilch from it.

3.35am GMT03:35

4th over: India 9-0 (Rahane 4, Dhawan 5) Another shar single, this time into the on-side, to Dhawan. This time Taylor hits the stumps but the batsman was safely home. Rahane glides one through backward point and Jim Maxwell goes on corporate sponsorship duties. He talks about Breaking Bad with the air of a man who has no idea what that is. Dhawan with yet another quick single into the off-side and Rahane with another dab down to third man. Woakes just needs to be a touch fuller to the right-hander. Dhawan nudges yet another quick single – he has five now and has hit the ball a total of approximately three yards.

3.32am GMT03:32

3rd over: India 4-0 (Rahane 2, Dhawan 2) This looks like a pretty nasty wicket to bat on. Anderson especially is finding good lift, he’s swinging it and the ball is really zipping through the Buttler behind the stumps. Again Dhawan tips and runs and this time it’s Morgan shying from silly mid-on and missing the run-out. “He looks edgy,” says Mark Taylor. “Edgy is a good description,” replies Jim Maxwell as replays of Dhawan’s dismissals in this series come on.

3.28am GMT03:28

2nd over: India 3-0 (Rahane 2, Dhawan 1) Chris Woakes from the other end and Rahane dabs his first ball through backward point for a single. The Australian commentators are whinging about the weather. “Oh no it might rain a bit.” Try getting caught in sleet on Streatham Hill in sub-zero temperatures, pal. Dhawan’s fends at his first ball and it loops up off the shoulder of the bat, but falls safely. Oh and then he should be run out by miles. He drops it into the off-side, thinks about a single then – as it was a terrible idea – changes his mind. Woakes fields and shies at the stumps from silly mid-off but misses. Dhawan was out by miles if, as he should have, Woakes hit. Dhawan gets out of the firing line with a cut for one off the fifth ball, before Woakes beats Rahane with the final ball.

3.23am GMT03:23

1st over: India 1-0 (Rahane 1 Dhawan 0) Anderson to begin and his very first ball to Rahane shapes away from the right-hander beautifully. The next two are blocked then the fourth of the over rises sharply off a crack in the pitch and flies past Rahane’s attempt at running it down to third man. The commentators are saying England should have a gully in place and they’re right. The final ball of the over is guided through that region for a single.

3.19am GMT03:19

Here we go...

3.14am GMT03:14

Satire.

The match that will determine once and for all which nation is the second best out of the only three that matter. #MexicoorPortugal

3.12am GMT03:12

India’s openers better call Kenny Loggins, cuz they’re in the danger zone

3.06am GMT03:06

So to clarify, Ishant Sharma isn’t fit and is replaced in the XI by Mohit Sharma. Rohit Sharma is also still unfit and so misses out.

Dhoni says he would have bowled first. Expect a bit of movement for Anderson and Woakes, so this could be tricky for India.

3.03am GMT03:03

“Morning Dan.” Morning, Martin Wright. “About to throw myself onto the mercies of my Mumbai taxi driver for an hour’s journey through the city’s rush hour. The knowledge that he will spend half the ride peering over at my screen to try to see the score before swerving to narrowly avoid the school bus and the petrol tanker just adds spice to the day, really.”

Best of luck.

2.59am GMT02:59

Ishant didn't bowl in Sydney. He's had only one training session since then. Gone from fit to unfit. Not much time left for the World Cup

2.58am GMT02:58

The teams then:

England IR Bell, MM Ali, JWA Taylor, JE Root, EJG Morgan*, RS Bopara, JC Buttler†, CR Woakes, SCJ Broad, JM Anderson,ST Finn

India S Dhawan, AM Rahane, AT Rayudu, V Kohli, SK Raina, MS Dhoni*†, STR Binny, AR Patel, RA Jadeja, Mohammed Shami, MM Sharma

2.54am GMT02:54

The toss: England have won it and will have a bowl under cloudy skies. They are unchanged.

2.43am GMT02:43

For fffff... Sky are showing a tribute to Sachin Tendulkar. Again. Well over a year since his final match. This is the kind of over-the-top sanctimony you have to live up to, Steven Gerrard.

2.40am GMT02:40

Oh having ended on that note about the weather, it’s rather remiss of me not to point out that a wash-out or tie – neither of which are expected to happen, but anyway – then England will go through. That’s literally the only permutation you need to know.

2.30am GMT02:30

Preamble

Morning folks. This is nice, isn’t it? We have an effective semi-final on our hands, which is a pleasant surprise for a tournament featuring just the three teams. In the words of the great Abba (oh god I’ve gone all Partridge already), the winner takes it all. The loser: the fall.

Run rates? Bonus points? We don’t need to concern ourselves with that nonsense today – a good thing, given I’ve had less than three hours’ sleep – because it’s a straight shoot-out. An England win and they are in good shape to win the World Cup will be as happy as Larry with an unexpected place in the final, while MS Dhoni would be as happy as Larry David at finishing winless and bottom.

An Indian victory, on the other hand will give us... well, what we expected to happen to begin with. England are almost in a no-lose situation; an odd situation in sport, where they could quite easily lose.

Actually that’s a little unfair on England. For many, they’re the favourites for this match. Indeed the bookies have them as odds-on favourite, which confirms my suspicion that bookies haven’t spent a vast portion of the past 23 years watching England play one-day cricket. Still, they’ve taken to Australian conditions better than India: Ian Bell is the leading run-scorer in the tournament with 229 from three matches so far, while Steven Finn has found the extra bounce to his liking and has seven wickets in his last two matches.

What’s more, history is on England’s side: they won the only other meeting between these sides in Perth, by nine runs back in the heady days of 1992. Robin Smith scored a then-electrifying 91 from just 108 balls. Dermot Reeve bagged 3-38 to decimate the Indian reply and – and oh god I’m delighted to be able to put this in – this (genuinely) Michael-Jackson-penned hit was the UK number one:

India on the other hand have struggled in their two completed matches thus far. They were beaten by Australia more comfortably than the four-wicket margin implies and then got themselves routed by England, exactly as comfortably as the nine-wickets-with-22.3-overs-remaining scoreline suggests. That was like watching the Terminator lose a fist fight against Woody Allen.

It’s all set up rather nicely then. Or at least better than we might have expected for the final group game in a tournament that, let’s be honest here, few people in England at least have much interest in. No one knows what will happen, there’s something at stake and it’s all pretty straightforward. What could ruin it?

Rain, obviously. The forecast says 37 degrees and the likelihood of showers or storms. For those of you in Australia complaining about the wet weather, remember it’s about -5 here and no one in London is happy.

Play begins at 3.20am UK time, or 11.20am if you’re in Australia. You jammy so-and-sos.

2.30am GMT02:30

Dan will be here shortly.