Nice sledge, Kim Sears. But for a lesson in swearing, look to the masters
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Version 0 of 1. The Australian Open is in its closing stages, but Kim Sears’ profane outburst during Andy Murray’s match against Tomas Berdych is a great opportunity to celebrate another sport requiring skill and practice: swearing. Swearing is bloody good shit, and it might even be good for you. When Sears screamed “Fucking have that, you Czech flash fuck,” she put herself in the company of some memorable swearers who deserve recognition. Even more impressive than her sledge was how she busted it out off the cuff – I’d never heard the term “flash fuck” before, but it’s now filed away in the vault for use at tense moments. But innovation is just one way to practise expletive excellence. There’s also passion, speed and context to consider, each of which is represented in the following stellar blue streaks. 1. Kevin Rudd is a happy little Vegemite Another spontaneous outburst, this video outtake from 2012 shows former Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd throwing a magnificent tantrum while trying to record an address to a Chinese cultural event. “Mate, this is just impossible. I get to the very end. You can tell these dickheads in the embassy to just give me simple sentences. I’ve said this before,” says Rudd. “The fucking Chinese interpreter. Just fucking hopeless,” he adds after stuffing up his lines repeatedly. This incident’s charm lies in what it revealed of Rudd’s famous temper, which had previously been known to the public only through leaked whispers. Unfortunately Rudd does not deploy his signature, the beguiling term “ratfuck”, as documented by David Marr in 2010. 2. Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Veep “That’s like trying to use a croissant as a fucken dildo,” says fictional vice president Selina Meyer in Veep. “It doesn’t do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS,” she growls. She’s dressing down an incompetent staffer here, but the context is non-essential to appreciating this entry’s vivid imagery. The absurdity of picturing flaky pastry as a sex toy somehow intensifies the pure, frustrated rage that Louis-Dreyfus conveys rather than making the scene whimsical or funny. She speaks here for all of us, connecting with the universal human experience of being utterly exasperated by the ineptitude of her colleagues. Croissant. As. A Fucken. Dildo. 3. Fuck mini Babybels from Chris Morris’ Four Lions In Chris Morris’ terrorist satire masterpiece Four Lions, wannabe suicide bomber and inept cell leader Omar sprays out this incredible gee-up to his jihadist colleagues: We have instructions to bring havoc to this bullshit, consumerist, godless, Paki-bashing, Gordon Ramsay, Taste the Difference speciality cheddar, torture-endorsing, massacre-sponsoring, “Look-at-me-dancing-pissed-with-my-nob-out”, Sky 1 Uncovered, “Who-gives-a-fuck-about-dead-Afghanis?” Disneyland. “Fuck mini Babybels,” replies one of the other men. This line, a rejection of decadent westernism directed at the famous brand of individual cheeses, is a classic Chris Morris achievement. It deserves to be recognised for the way it manages to turn a small snack item into a wax-wrapped fetish object of hatred at the same time as exposing the shallowness of the characters’ reactionary ideology. 4. US TV reporter quits on-air, reveals herself as owner of Alaska Cannabis Club Oh boy. There’s something incredible about this values-driven stoner journalist quitting on air, for the stated purpose of devoting all her time and attention to legalising cannabis in Alaska. “Fuck it. I quit,” she says before shrugging nonchalantly and walking off set, leaving the anchor to apologise for allowing unacceptable levels of badass conduct on television. Scenes of unrestrained resignation are always a joy to watch, existing as they do in most people’s minds as a cherished fantasy option when work pushes you close to the edge. Well, this reporter just doesn’t give a shit any more, and good luck to her. 5. The fuck scene, The Wire In this tour de force of swearing, two detectives on a murder investigation communicate for an entire scene using only variations of the word fuck. “Motherfuck,” exclaims Bunk as he pieces the clues together. “Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fucker,” adds McNulty after visualising the path of the killer’s bullets. If there isn’t already a psychology lecturer using this video to illustrate the power of non-verbal rapport, I’d be very surprised. In contrast to most cop shows, which tend to rely heavily on expository dialogue, all the information here is conveyed to the audience using physical drama. It doesn’t even matter what the swear word is – I can imagine an Australian version using only the word “mate” in different intonations. A deft rebuke to the notion that swearing is necessarily a crutch for unimpressive intellect. There are so many more; everyone wishes they were a Malcolm Tuckeresque factory for first-rate curses. But the best are the most honest, like Sears’s. When decorum breaks down, we get a raw look into the swearer’s emotional life. That includes joy – found not just in the swearing itself, but in the reminder that everyone around you is struggling against breaking into obscenity most of the time. 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