Six things that should be banned from music festivals

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jan/30/six-things-banned-music-festivals

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The Parklife festival, held in Manchester’s Heaton Park, has just sold out 10,000 early release tickets in less than an hour – but that’s not why the event has made it into the papers.

Nestled among a pretty standard list of event rules and contraband items – no food, no under-17s, no re-entry – are the diktats: “no selfie sticks” and no “manbags”.

Obviously, selfie sticks should be banned in general, everywhere. The only acceptable scenario for their use being an astronaut trying to fit the curvature of the Earth into shot.

But reaction to Parklife’s new rules were mixed. The manbag cull was called “sexist” and “prejudiced”. One particularly dismayed punter commented: “I’ve had a manbag since 1992.”

But apart from phones-on-poles and bags resting on male hips, what else should we see the back of at festivals?

Drugs

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that everybody acts like a knob when on drugs. Never has anybody become wittier, better looking or smarter with nostrils caked in white crust, and with popping eyes and a jaw going like a wind-up Violet Beauregarde.

It’s easy to spot a festival-goer who has spent the night swallowing pills with kids’ TV characters stamped into them. He or she is the naked, sinewy body passed out at an odd angle: an Egon Schiele nude slap-bang in the middle of a field.

Daisy chain headbands

Unless they’re five, or Apple Paltrow, this is not a look anybody should be sporting. This is not a campaign for the new Marc Jacobs perfume.

If we allow headbands made of daisies then what’s next? Twig beanies? Fascinators made of leaves? Did nobody learn anything from that awful Sandi Thom song?

Of course, daisy chain headbands are just the latest ubiquitous festival trend. In 2012, Hunter wellies were the thing. At Glastonbury that year, rumour had it that punters who wore wellies that weren’t Hunter were looked upon as having the hooves of the devil, and strung up from the Pyramid stage by Kate Moss, aided by Sienna Miller (who was also wearing a daisy-chain headband).

Acoustic guitars

There is nothing that strikes fear into the heart quite like the sight of a man in a straw trilby drawing a guitar on to his lap to “play a tune”. Absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, this isn’t a practice limited to festivals – anybody who has a) ever gone to university, b) been travelling, or c) travels on the London Underground is probably breaking out into a sweat just reading this.

It’s worse at a festival though – given that people have paid hundreds of pounds to see live music they actually want to hear. Put it away, faux Luke-from-the Kooks.

Throwing beer

There are two kinds of people: those who throw cups of beer into festival and gig crowds, and people who are not twats. There is nothing to be gained by this action, and yet people persist.

Let us not even mention when people throw cups filled with a liquid that isn’t beer. In fact they are not people, they are animals.

Photography in general

It’s not just selfie sticks rising into the air like a sea of submarine periscopes which is annoying – snapping away throughout a performance is irritating in general. Sure, it’s fine to take a quick pic or two, especially if the artist is of particular note (hi, Dolly Parton).

But don’t film the whole thing, and especially not with an iPad (9 inches in dimension) blocking the views of 100,000 other people. In a world in which there are people who still have not turned the keyboard tone off on their phones, however, it’s not surprising that tech etiquette is lacking.

Oh, and by all means take a pic of the big screen, but don’t try and pass it off on Instagram as you being front row. We can see that heavy pixellation, hun.

Rumours that someone famous has died

The one time a rumour spread around a festival about a pop star dying, and then turned out to be true, was during Glastonbury 2009. Michael Jackson had actually moonwalked to his place in the sky.

Most of the time, however, these rumours are false, and therefore annoying. Rumours of the unfortunate demise of acoustic guitar man, having fallen into a campfire due to the passionate closing of eyes while playing the opening verse of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, however, would be welcome.