Since we’ve had our daughter, sex feels like just another chore

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/23/since-had-daughter-sex-feels-like-chore

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I‘m only 25 years old and I’ve been with my partner since I was 18. We had a daughter two years ago, and since having her I just haven’t wanted to sleep with my partner. I still love him and am attracted to him, but sex feels like another chore. He thinks I don’t love him any more, but I can’t seem to explain that it’s me, not him.

Relax, and reassure your partner that it is common and typical for a woman to experience reduced sexual desire after childbirth and when the children are toddlers. This is partly due to hormonal changes – which usually return to default settings after a while. But also, as you well know, caring for young children is tiring, stressful and demanding, and those challenges in themselves can lower sexual interest. Let your partner know about any extra help you might need from him that could reduce your overall fatigue; feeling fully supported by a partner can be a turn-on in itself. Try to find a way to balance your life – perhaps with a little childcare help from a friend or relative – so you can re-establish your romantic connection with him.

Sexual interest will follow. But neither of you should expect a fully consistent sex life; during your lives together there will be many normal sexual changes, whether due to illness, work stress, ageing and so on. Knowing this in advance, and being prepared to support each other, is the key.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).