Ukip delegates find a great deal to be unhappy about

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/feb/27/ukip-party-conference-margate-nigel-farage

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The Margate Winter Gardens have seen better days. So have the 500 or so Ukip members who filled its auditorium for their spring conference. Time is not on their side, though many feel history just might be.

Most of what Nigel Farage likes to call the People’s Army – not to be confused with the breakaway battalion of Christian Soldiers in Ukip – who came to Kent for the weekend were the wrong side of retirement. Nor were they particularly happy about anything, though they got jollier the longer the bars stayed open. This crack troop follows its leader to the letter.

Our vacuum cleaners were being abused and our foreign aid budget was being spent on teaching Africans to dance.

Then they did all have a great deal to be unhappy about. Speaker after speaker confirmed what they already suspected: that Britain was a terrible place and getting worse by the day.

MEP Louise Bours started at rant pace and became steadily rantier. The NHS was falling to pieces, there were not enough nurses and matrons and most doctors couldn’t even talk English. To make her point, she introduced her own Dr Death, an English oncologist who couldn’t speak English either. No one could understand a word he said: it was as if he was dictating his prescription. Whatever he was saying, it was a good advert for more overseas doctors.

“We like foreigners, but Britain is full,” said deputy leader Paul Nuttall to an audience that was 99% white. That brought some polite applause. Kippers don’t feel they ever get enough acknowledgment for their inclusivity; they have all heard of one or two foreigners who are OK when you really get to know them. “The polls are also looking good,” Nuttall continued. This provoked several sharp intakes of breath, before everyone realised he hadn’t been talking about the Poles. To make up for this momentary lapse, they gave Ukip supporter Harjit Singh a standing ovation for being a Sikh.

Elsewhere there was nothing but trouble. Our fish were being stolen, our nuns were being sneered at, our vacuum cleaners were being abused and our foreign aid budget was being spent on teaching Africans to dance. MEP Nathan Gill proudly introduced his new publication, 8 Reasons for Cutting Foreign Aid that featured a photo of a starving African child on the front. “Charity begins at home,” he said. Even our dogs were going to the dogs. All those fancy new cockapoos and labradooodle what nots.

Related: Nigel Farage urges Ukip to take positive stance in immigration debate

Into this hellish pit of despair, stepped a heavily made-up Nigel Farage, just back from America where he had been addressing rows of empty chairs at a Maryland rally and looking every inch the cable TV shopping channel presenter. “I com......you.... sage of...ope,” he announced, his face microphone cutting out. That’s the coalition energy policies for you.

“There’s be..... sp.....tion.....bout.....elf,” he continued. “But I’m perfectly well. And i’m here to give you a message of hope. I don’t propose to go in for any negative campaigning like all the other parties. I’m not going to stand around telling you that Channel 4 are a bunch of shits. Nor will I run down the completely useless David Cameron, the pitiful Ed Miliband and the discredited Nick Clegg. Nor will I mention how the national debt has doubled in the past five years and the country is full of more immigrants than ever. That kind of thing I will leave to others.

“I will lead you out of the accursed Europe and back to the Commonwealth. Forget France and Germany, we will do business with South Africa and Bermuda. I am for you. I am for Ukip. I will be leading you in every election for the next 1,000 years.” The next big attraction at the Winter Gardens is Psychic Sally. She thinks she might get the same audience.