My partner’s expectations about my orgasms are killing our sex life
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Version 0 of 1. I’m a healthy 30-year-old woman and my partner is slowly killing our sex life. I’m constantly compared to every other woman he’s slept with – because I don’t have a multiple orgasm or “squirt” during sex, he automatically assumes that he’s failed. I don’t always climax during sex – again, that’s a massive problem for his ego. Any help could save what little we have left of a sex life. On the contrary, I need you to help me. Help me understand why you put up with someone who treats you this way and makes you feel like this? For a start, he is lying to you. Unless he is extremely inexperienced, it is statistically impossible that every woman he has slept with has multiple orgasms, ejaculates or is able to climax on command in diverse positions. This is a fantasy he may have internalised via the porn industry, experienced sex workers or women who are so programmed to please that they fake orgasms. It’s perfectly normal for a woman – or man – not to climax sometimes. My guess is your partner is actually extremely insecure, has no idea how a woman’s body works and needs to put you down to make up for his inadequacies. Unfortunately, there is now an internet-spawned expectation of orgasm, and many other aspects of sexuality, that amounts to tyranny. If this man is open to receiving real education about how to please you, you could consider teaching him. If not, find someone more deserving of your refreshing sexual authenticity. • Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. • If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). |