Special agent Hazel unveils cunning plan to recruit more female spies

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/mar/05/hazel-blears-plan-to-recruit-more-female-spies

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With Judi Dench breathing her last next to the grave of 007’s Mum on his ancestral estate in Scotland at the end of Skyfall, the James Bond producers missed an Oedipal trick in casting Ralph Fiennes as the new M. Given a little more time and imagination, they might have brought in Hazel Blears. Her credentials are impeccable. Former counter-terrorism minister, the only woman on the intelligence and security committee and now, in one of her final acts as a sitting MP, she has written a report on the intelligence services that wasn’t leaked in advance. That’s a rare talent.

“Keep your hands off Moneypenny, Bond,” Blears snapped, as she prepared to make her announcement. Bond looked sheepish and sloped off to report himself to the MI6 diversity and equality committee. Up till now, the existence of that committee had been one of the country’s best kept secrets, but Blears wanted more transparency. In particular, she wanted more female spooks. At present, men account for more than 80% of those working for MI5, MI6 and GCHQ and Blears, quite reasonably, reckoned that it was about time more women got to take out foreign agents and leave their briefcases in Vauxhall pubs.

The first problem was recruitment. “We have got away from the tap on the shoulder and the small ad in the Times,” she said. “But we still have a long way to go. Mumsnet, for instance.” This didn’t seem quite the way to target ethnic minority and working class women, but small steps and all that. Blears also talked up an online quiz “So You think You’ve Got What it Takes to be a Spy”. Anyone who didn’t fill it in would be asked for an interview.

Blears also wanted to make the spying workplace a more woman-friendly environment. It turned out most spies are married to other spies – usually, but not necessarily, one of ours – and that when a big shout was on, it was almost always the bloke who got to fire the guns while the woman was left behind to look after the kids. “We need better creche facilities for operational agents,” she said. In an ideal world, a woman would be able to get a Code Red phone call at breakfast and be able to dump the children at a moment’s notice. “Bye bye, darlings. Mummy has just got to nip over to Afghanistan for the day to slot a couple of baddies, but I promise I will be back in time to read you a bedtime story.”

GCHQ also came in for harsh words. “If you look on page 38 of the report,” she said, “you will see a woman has described how the ‘robust’ humour which naturally develops in an all-male IT working environment can be offputting to many women. By robust I mean, well, you know, how, um, awkward some techie types can be ...” She left the sentence unfinished, though the meaning was clear. Every now again the boffins get tired of watching drones on their computers and flick to a different web page to look at pictures of Kim Kardashian’s bum and make knob gags. “What’s wrong with that?” purred Bond. His re-education is an ongoing process.

“There is obvious concern about the radicalisation of young women,” a reporter asked. “Can you tell us how many Muslim women are working in the security services?” Blears looked momentarily panicked. “That wasn’t in the remit of this report and I don’t think I can tell you that,” she replied, turning towards a dead-eyed woman who may or may not have been been a spook sitting behind her. “You can’t,” said the possible spook. The security services still have at least one secret that isn’t yet in the public domain.

• This article was amended on 6 March 2015. An earlier version misdescribed Hazel Blears as a former home secretary.