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| Football transfer rumours: Ángel Di María to PSG, Edinson Cavani to Man Utd? | Football transfer rumours: Ángel Di María to PSG, Edinson Cavani to Man Utd? |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| Poor Ángel Di María. Spooked by an attempted burglary at his Cheshire mansion, short of form, gumption, friends, northern humour and a manager who could give a solitary one about him, he’s had enough of the north-west. Quick as you like, he’s dialled Super Jorge Mendes and given him the co-ordinates for an emergency airlift out of Manchester. And when Mendes hears a footballer in distress (the noise resembles something like a sack of cash being flung into a vault), he gets things done. He’ll don his cape, jump into the Mendes Mobile, whizz the Argentinian to PSG, pick up Edinson Cavani in part exchange, drop him off at Manchester United and be home for tea like the super hero he is. Sorted. | Poor Ángel Di María. Spooked by an attempted burglary at his Cheshire mansion, short of form, gumption, friends, northern humour and a manager who could give a solitary one about him, he’s had enough of the north-west. Quick as you like, he’s dialled Super Jorge Mendes and given him the co-ordinates for an emergency airlift out of Manchester. And when Mendes hears a footballer in distress (the noise resembles something like a sack of cash being flung into a vault), he gets things done. He’ll don his cape, jump into the Mendes Mobile, whizz the Argentinian to PSG, pick up Edinson Cavani in part exchange, drop him off at Manchester United and be home for tea like the super hero he is. Sorted. |
| But hang on, the Mendes Phone is flashing again. There’s another footballer in trouble. Radamel Falcao wants out of Manchester and Monaco. No problem. A couple of calls later and he’ll be tucked up in bed on Merseyside as a Liverpool player. You see the Anfield club were interested in the striker just last summer – and even an out-of-form, rusty-kneed Falcao will probably be of more use to Brendan Rodgers than Mario Balotelli. They’ll have to stump up serious cash for the Colombian’s wages, mind, but Super Jorge will sort it. | But hang on, the Mendes Phone is flashing again. There’s another footballer in trouble. Radamel Falcao wants out of Manchester and Monaco. No problem. A couple of calls later and he’ll be tucked up in bed on Merseyside as a Liverpool player. You see the Anfield club were interested in the striker just last summer – and even an out-of-form, rusty-kneed Falcao will probably be of more use to Brendan Rodgers than Mario Balotelli. They’ll have to stump up serious cash for the Colombian’s wages, mind, but Super Jorge will sort it. |
| Whoah! Hang on, there’s more bleeping in the Greater Manchester area. Manchester City players expect a bid for Cristiano Ronaldo in the summer! And if footballers expect anything then it’s up to Super Jorge to sort it. A huge, whopping, sack of notes deposited in the Bank of Bernabéu will do the trick. One for Jorge to add to the Things To Do This Summer list. Now, back to Jorge Mendes Manor. There’s a charity gala to attend. | |
| Elsewhere, Bayern Munich are going to scupper Manchester United’s plans to sign a proper right-back. They’ll have a cheque for £15m in the post to Torino before Manchester United beancounters can get their hands out of their pockets to buy Matteo Darmian. | Elsewhere, Bayern Munich are going to scupper Manchester United’s plans to sign a proper right-back. They’ll have a cheque for £15m in the post to Torino before Manchester United beancounters can get their hands out of their pockets to buy Matteo Darmian. |
| Alan Pardew has realised that managing Crystal Palace would be a damn sight easier if it wasn’t for that whopping big hole in the centre of defence. He’s got £10m to fill it – and eyes for Sevilla’s former QPR defender Stephane Mbia. If he can’t entice him away from the south of Spain he’ll try to lure Rumour Mill regular Virgil van Dijk down from Celtic. | Alan Pardew has realised that managing Crystal Palace would be a damn sight easier if it wasn’t for that whopping big hole in the centre of defence. He’s got £10m to fill it – and eyes for Sevilla’s former QPR defender Stephane Mbia. If he can’t entice him away from the south of Spain he’ll try to lure Rumour Mill regular Virgil van Dijk down from Celtic. |
| Everton have been told they’ll have to cough up £6m to sign Subbutteo’s Aaron Lennon permanently. Bill Kenwright may have to pretend he’s busy counting staples when Roberto Martínez comes knocking on his door for the cash. | Everton have been told they’ll have to cough up £6m to sign Subbutteo’s Aaron Lennon permanently. Bill Kenwright may have to pretend he’s busy counting staples when Roberto Martínez comes knocking on his door for the cash. |
| And with QPR looking likely to fall into that gaping hole that’s opened up beneath them called the Championship, Charlie Austin looks likely to be given a chance to stay in the Premier League by Aston Villa, West Ham and Bournemouth. Eddie Howe has made the 25-year-old poacher his No1 target if the Cherries make it into the promised land. If only Super Jorge was available. He’d make it happen. | And with QPR looking likely to fall into that gaping hole that’s opened up beneath them called the Championship, Charlie Austin looks likely to be given a chance to stay in the Premier League by Aston Villa, West Ham and Bournemouth. Eddie Howe has made the 25-year-old poacher his No1 target if the Cherries make it into the promised land. If only Super Jorge was available. He’d make it happen. |