A pool of talent shallow as a conversation between Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner
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Version 0 of 1. THE ICE CUBE SETS OFF FOR HELL … In the world of optimism FA chief suit Greg Dyke is a big player. There have been other great optimists – Clive Sinclair, Pandora, erm, Henry from Neighbours and Ace of Base, of course – but in 2013 when Dyke announced that England’s target should be to actually win Winter World Cup, well, the Fiver thought now here’s a man who will never be popular with our English cousin, $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver. Oh no, self-loathing and withering disappointment was $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver’s lifeblood. And whenever life hinted at troublingly positive times ahead, with the occasional promise of a game of nine-pin skittles and maybe even a special cuddle in a cupboard, there was always a dire showing by the England team team just around the corner to stop him getting ahead of himself. So he’ll have almost tripped over the jingling bells on his sparkling white trousers this morning when he read that Dyke really is serious about trying to make the England team good. Oh Greg! Stop it! Yes, the huggable FA supremo is banging the drum again, this time believing that he can persuade Premier League clubs to increase the number of homegrown players in their 25-man squads from eight to 12. And with those 12 being proper homegrown players too. So, essentially, not Cesc Fábregas. And while this is all very admirable, the reality is that with £5.1bn of TV coin heading their way and a product to sell around the world to keep their reservoir of cash at a level only marginally less than that of the GDP of a small country, Dyke will need to do some Jake the Snake-level arm-twisting to get Richard Scudamore and co to agree to it. “My fear for the future of English football is the Premier League ends up being owned by foreigners, managed by foreigners and played by foreigners. And, I think, certainly in terms of the playing, we can make a difference,” tubthumped Dyke, as Jack Wilshere exploded with pride behind him. Now this is all very admirable. Mr Roy currently has a pool of English talent available to him as shallow as a conversation between Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner. The desire to give scabby-kneed kids some hope that they may even have a slim chance of making it at the club they grew up supporting is something that even the Fiver can’t help but not sniff at either. So on Thursday Dyke will take his huge bubble of optimism and place it on the table in front of 20 stern-looking Premier League suits representing the interests of wealthy people, many of whom couldn’t give a solitary one about the England team, and dare them to burst it. He may also need a tall tale too. Because getting a bunch of clubs, some of whom are being flogged for failing at Big Cup, and who regularly bundle managers aboard the good ship Do One after a just a handful of bad games to agree to persevere with less experienced – and in some cases – less talented English players throughout a season instead of buying in foreigners, will take more than a very good finger buffet. It’s like asking a scribe to use a stick of charcoal for a few months in the hope that it might turn into a beautiful quill. Good luck with that one. But Dyke is a man who went into a room of stern-looking suits and persuaded them that breakfast TV needed Roland the Rat, Errol the Hamster and Kevin the Gerbil. Write him off at your peril. QUOTE OF THE DAY “Europe is seeing a rise in nationalism and extremism the like of which we have not witnessed for a very long time … I therefore renew my call for greater awareness of this issue among the public authorities, so that we can avoid reliving the dark days of a not-so-distant past – a past where hooligans and all manner of fanatics called the shots in certain European stadiums. In recent months, we have all been struck by certain images that I thought were a thing of the past. Some of us experienced that past at first hand. In my case, it was exactly 30 years ago. Nobody wants a repeat of such events. We need tougher stadium bans at European level and – I will say it again – the creation of a European sports police force” – Uefa president Michel Platini wants governing bodies to get tough on right-wing and racist fans. How Platini’s Uefa has led the way so far … June 2008: Some Croatia fans are found guilty by Uefa of “displaying a racist banner and showing racist conduct” during a Euro 2008 quarter-final against Turkey. Uefa’s punishment? £10,000 fine. September 2008: England’s Emile Heskey is subjected to racial abuse by home fans during the 4-1 victory in a qualifier for the 2010 World Cup against Croatia in Zagreb. Uefa’s punishment? £15,000 fine. February 2012: Porto fans subject the Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli to prolonged racist abuse in a Big Vase tie. Uefa’s punishment? £16,700 fine. February 2015: Atlético Madrid fans racially abuse Manchester City youth players in a Uefa Youth League home match. Uefa’s punishment? £10,000 fine. Meanwhile at Euro 2012: Nicklas Bendtner flashes some underpants with a betting company’s name on them. Uefa’s punishment? £80,000 fine. Fight the good fight Michel. FIVER LETTERS “I am impressed by the way that the football writers usually spend their Sunday evenings (yesterday’s Still want mores). Signing Englebert Humperdinck must be a challenge up there with identifying the Higgs Boson, or do they simply point to the album cover?” – Kevin Denham (and 1,056 others). “Can I be the first of the last 1,057 Garys to respond to yesterday’s last line? I was born in 1969 and named after my dad’s golfing idol, Gary Player. By all accounts a multi title-winning, black-wearing legend. I can’t imagine many of today’s fathers-to-be being inspired to follow suit based on the current lineup of crisp-munching, Diff’rent Stroking (RIP), Lethal Weaponing, Sirius Blacking, Kop-baiting Garys. Our name was once synonymous with Ford Capri 2.8i sun strips but, like the Capri, we’re nearing extinction” – Gary McNulty. “Re Justin Johnson’s letter, I’m amazed that turbot would be served with a Chardonnay, which is far too sweet for such a fine fish. I suggest a Sauvignon Blanc or perhaps Muscadet sur Lie” – Roger Perry (and no other sommelier pedants). “Loving the new wrestling content in the Fiver. Anyone else watching Wrestlemania live on Sunday? No? Just me? Oh” – Stephen Yoxall. • Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Gary McNulty. JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope. BITS AND BOBS “I don’t fart higher than my behind,” says Olivier Giroud. And if you can work out what the hell he’s talking about, drop us a line. Diego Simeone has inspired melancholy for chairmen across the continent by signing a new five-year contract as Atlético Madrid manager. His ‘young Vito Corleone from the Godfather II’ schtick will be in place at the Vicente Calderon until 2020. Phil Jones says he and Chris Smalling have defied their critics. And he’s got a point - if those critics were saying he couldn’t charge around the pitch every week like an overenthusiastic dog crashing into things. Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel is likely to have three matches’ worth of spare time to tend his daffodils after being charged with violent conduct for stamping on Manchester United’s David de Gea. STILL WANT MORE? Quizmaster extraordinaire John Ashdown dons his sparkling lame jacket and invites you to name the career. ‘The red mist appeared. I bit my opponent on the shoulder’. The Luis Suárez of amateur football fesses up to Ben Lyttleton. Is Alan Pardew in the running for the manager of the season award? Ali Tweedale off of WhoScored looks at the numbers. Terrence Boyd of the USA! USA!! USA!!! talks to Jack Kerr about playing for Red Bulls Leipzig, the club everyone in Austria hates so much they’ve been compared to the Nazis. Is Davor Suker serving Davor Suker more than he is Croatian football? Aleksandar Holiga has a ponder. The Gallery: Gareth Bale edition is … small, but perfectly formed. Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. ANOTHER GONG. THANK THE FIVER |