The Royals: the trashy new TV show you’ll love to hate-watch

http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2015/mar/25/the-royals-liz-hurley-tv-programme

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Related: The Royals: guaranteed to be the trashiest thing on TV

IT’S AN HOUR OF HIGH-INTENSITY DRAMA

The Royals, a 10-part royalty romp (yes, you can actually use the word “romp” for this show) on E!, is based on a fictional royal family with more than a few similarities to our own and plays out like The Tudors, if it were written by a team of overdramatic 17-year-old Gossip Girl fans. Containing all the drama and double-crossing the Dallas reboot should have had, The Royals is less Wolf Hall, more Downton Abbey: The Panto. But… it’s amazing. From the junkie princess to the blackmailing bodyguard, everyone’s either fighting or shagging the whole time. It’s your new hate-watch.

IT’S A CLASSIC STORY OF CLASS WARFARE

The Royals focuses on a commoner who lands a prince. Wonder where they got that idea from. Merritt Patterson plays Ophelia, the daughter of the head of royal security who, during a drunken night out, sleeps with the second in line to the throne. Because that is something that would happen in real life. Her hook-up (yes, that’s actually a phrase in the show) lands her in the middle of a scheming, in-fighting royal family, who are more like the Ewings than the Windsors.

LIZ HURLEY’S SERIOUS-FACE ‘ACTING’

Playing a young-ish, glamorous queen with a fondness for cocktail dresses and lipgloss, you’d think that Liz Hurley would camp it up like, well, Liz Hurley in Austin Powers. Or Liz Hurley in Gossip Girl. Or simply Liz Hurley in real life. Nope. She’s playing this one straight. One small problem: she only has one expression. Son dies? Serious face. Princess Eleanor caught flashing her hoo-ha at the paparazzi? Same face. The king threatens to disband the monarchy? It’s that face again. Liz, are you angry? Or pleased? Give us a sign!

THE REAL-LIFE REFERENCES ARE PERFECT

This is a fictional royal family. So it must be a coincidence that the queen’s two red-haired nieces are useless Sloanes who rely on handouts and wear inappropriate hats to state occasions. There’s also an Elton John joke (“He’s ‘popping round’? Give someone a title and they treat the place like it’s a Starbucks.”) that is both incredible and desperately in need of a Harry Hill side-eye to camera.

THERE’S A PRINCE CALLED LIAM

The Royals, created by One Tree Hill writer Mark Schwahn, is a real eye-opener as to how our American cousins view us. Quite simply, we’re snobbish, class-obsessed power-hungry alcoholics. Prince Liam (The Chronicles Of Narnia’s William Moseley) is the antidote to this. He’s the American fantasy of our Prince Harry and, with his rolled-up shirt sleeves, he has a fondness for the lower classes and is desperate to lead a “normal” life. By the way, the king is called Simon. King Simon. Let that sink in for one second.

By the way, the king is called Simon. King Simon. Let that sink in for one second

IT’S FULL OF INSTANTLY VINE-ABLE LINES

While the plot moves at breakneck speed through betrayal, blackmail, murder attempts and sex tapes, the script of The Royals is packed full of lines made for social media. “I’m just a bitch with money and power … but I do make it look good,” snarls Princess Eleanor at one point. “You’re the king of England, goddamnit! Now act like it!” screams Queen Helena in one understated moment.

IT TRIES ITS HAND AT REGIONAL ACCENTS

While the royal family’s accents are so posh it sounds as though everyone’s got a mouth full of Creme Eggs, Prince Liam’s bodyguard speaks as if he learned English off a German. He’s Irish, apparently.

IT HAS AN UNCOMPLICATED PLOT

“I would have thought you’d be happy my brother died, dear uncle. After all, you’re one step closer to the throne. All you have to do is wait for your brother to die and kill Liam, and kill me too, of course, ha ha ha!” laughs Princess Eleanor. We can’t imagine what will happen next, but we’ve got a bad feeling about the king’s shooting trip with his brother…

BRITAIN LOOKS AMAZING

Gone are the dog poo-covered dirty streets of London; the capital is now a majestic, beautiful city full of glittering lights, great teeth and expensive blow-dries. Locations include Blenheim Palace and Goldsmiths’ Hall, meaning that the show is basically a VisitEngland advert.

JOAN COLLINS IS THE QUEEN MOTHER

What more can we say? Played as cold and bitchy as Alexis Carrington in Dynasty, she sweeps in part-way through the series with a killer line on the queen’s taste in interior design (“I didn’t realise that when you decorated, you were going to use Vegas as your theme”). We all know who’s the real queen here.