How to be an NHS health tourist – a travel guide

http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/apr/14/nhs-health-tourist-travel-guide

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So you’re in a country with minimal healthcare services, and you have an illness that needs to be dealt with so urgently you’re willing to uproot everything and travel to another country? Well, there’s never been a better time to visit the UK and see the sights and sounds of the NHS, the world’s best healthcare provider.

Employing more than 1.7 million people, the NHS offers a wide variety of services, facilities and treatments for the busy traveller in less-than-optimum health. As long as you have a UK passport and end up in the right region, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t experience some of the amazing elements of the NHS first hand. Here’s a taster of just some of the essential experiences offered by the NHS.

A visit to the GP

No use of the NHS would be complete without a visit to a classic GP clinic. Appointments can be booked via phone between 8:01 am and 8:06 am on Mondays, so be sure to call early and reserve a space.

Upon arrival you will be instructed to take a seat by a surprisingly irritable receptionist, so you can sit and enjoy the full experience of a British waiting room, featuring such highlights as the melodramatic hypochondriac, the old ladies whispering to each other while occasionally staring at you suspiciously, and the uncontrollable infant with a habit of screaming randomly.

As well as this, most GPs provide a wide selection of up to seven magazines, none of which contain anything of interest and are all at least ten years old. There will also be a wide variety of leaflets explaining how you might die, and posters of unsettling medical conditions.

After soaking up the atmosphere for a mere few hours, you will get to enjoy the much sought-after visit to the GP, where you can describe your issues to a qualified doctor who is currently dealing with ridiculous amounts of caffeine and stress. For added enjoyment, be sure to Google your symptoms beforehand disagree with everything the doctor tells you, to really get the veins in their forehead throbbing.

A trip to A&E

The accident and emergency department of big hospitals is an increasingly popular place to visit, for those with urgent problems, no other options or just don’t fancy the hassle of going to the GP.

In the two hours (on average) you spend there, the A&E department provides a great opportunity to immerse yourself in British culture, surrounding you with a robust mix of the injured, the desperate and, if you time it right, the hopelessly drunk and aggressive. You will get to engage in all the top British pastimes like waiting quietly for something, avoiding eye contact with strangers, getting annoyed by others and not doing anything about it aside from quietly seething, and waiting some more.

If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see overworked and exhausted nurses get shouted at by someone who cannot comprehend that their own fractured thumb is not a top priority for beleaguered medical staff, and given that 25% of nurses are presently from other countries, you may well see a familiar and friendly face from your own home nation.

A jolly long wait

With increasing government cuts and lack of resources, more people than ever are getting to take part in having a great big wait for treatment for their conditions. British people love waiting for things, even if it’s hazardous to health, and now the enthusiastic tourist can join in too. You’ll need to learn some of the techniques British people use to pass the time while waiting for something, such as complaining about the weather, tutting, and complaining about the weather some more. If you get hungry while waiting, there’s bound to be a Wetherspoons or Greggs nearby. And if there isn’t, just wait a bit longer, one will pop up soon enough.

Private health provider spotting

One interesting pastime for the enthusiastic NHS patient is spotting private services. Long left out of the NHS environment, the current government has sneakily allowed private companies to flourish in the NHS. But the climate is still not that hospitable to private health providers, and they have to be stealthy and subtle, like rare birds entering an unfamiliar habitat. Many of them don’t last, having to withdraw due to pressures after taking as much public money as possible.

Make sure you try to spot them now, before they’re everywhere and the novelty wears off very quickly.

Play political football

As a foreign national using the healthcare service, you will find yourself caught up in the new British pastime of “political football” whether you like it or not (and it’s very probable that you won’t like it). With an upcoming election, there’s no better time to be bombarded from all sides by politicians accusing and criticising everything about you, while others blame you for the NHS failings while it depends on you for its very survival.

Breakfast is served 7-9am. Checkout time is 11:30am, except if Ukip get in, in which case it’s some time in the 1950s.

Dean Burnett assumes anyone seeing his passport photo would automatically assume he has a terrible illness. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy