Spike TV: the best and worst of the new channel's brogramming
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Version 0 of 1. In America, Spike is a television network with an absurdly realised sense of self. It isn’t just a network for men, it’s a network for douchebags; sniggering, swaggering, boob-goggling douchebags who call each other “bro” and walk around with one hand wedged down the front of their trousers to the eternal dismay of their parents. Need proof? Fine. Spike has been responsible for shows such as Stripperella (the animated Pamela Anderson superhero series about a stripper), Whacked Out Sports (where an arsehole makes humorous quips over footage of painful sporting accidents) and seven different WWE wrestling programmes. However, Spike UK launches tonight. And, while it might seem as if the channel exists only to have a series of drunken sexual encounters with ITVBe next to the bins outside a nightclub, it turns out that its schedule isn’t entirely worthless. Since it seems fitting for a channel with its demographic, let’s play a game of Shag, Marry, Kill with the first week of Spike UK programming. Shag Lip Sync Battle Possibly the most high-profile launch programme of Spike UK, thanks to it being everywhere all over YouTube all the time for the last fortnight. Anne Hathaway miming Wrecking Ball. The Rock miming Shake It Off. Common miming All Night Long. You’ll have seen these countless times by now, and yet the performances are probably charming enough to warrant repeated viewing. Bellator Full-on, no-holds-barred MMA fighting. This is the stuff that Spike UK was made for, and your enjoyment of it will be heavily influenced by your tolerance for watching two people in their pants aggressively hug each other for several hours at a time. Olympus The intention here was probably to buy a Spartacus-style historical extravaganza full of blood and breasts. Olympus, though, has already received godawful reviews in the US, lambasting its script, tone, look and performances. It’s still worth watching, though, because one day people will line up to ironically call it a cult classic. Marry Breaking Bad Yes, you’ve already seen Breaking Bad all the way through without any adverts thanks to Netflix. And, yes, this is a bit too soon for you to start watching it all over again. But, look, it’s Breaking Bad. That’s something, right? Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles While all the publicity for Spike UK has revolved around the acquisition of Breaking Bad, this might be the channel’s masterstroke. Every weekend morning, from 9am, Spike is showing episodes of the odd, dead Terminator television series. This is perfect hangover television, and a thousand times better than Sunday Brunch. Kill World’s Strongest Man 2014 On the other hand, this is just ridiculous. On Sunday afternoon, Spike is showing four solid hours of last year’s World’s Strongest Man competition. That’s three and a bit more hours of World’s Strongest Man than anyone can realistically stand in one sitting. Cowboy Builders This, along with Cops, Bar Rescue and Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers, more or less constitutes Spike’s entire weekday daytime output. It’s a horrible mix of Channel 5 and every single other half-arsed digital channel’s daytime output, and you’d be best advised to avoid the whole thing completely. Police Interceptors Unleashed Vinnie Jones narrates a series about extreme police car chases, and actually no, you’re OK, we’ll just stick with Terminator and Lip Sync Battle, thanks. |