Al Murray, the Pub Landlord: ‘I’m not worried about polling 1%’
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Version 0 of 1. So here we are in the final furlong, the home straight, as the general election that has to be the most important general election since the last one swings into view. January seems like only four months ago, but that was when I decided to throw my hat into the ring and run in South Thanet on the Free United Kingdom Party (FUKP) ticket. Related: Al Murray the Pub Landlord to stand against Nigel Farage in South Thanet And what a four months it has been. We always knew it would be an uphill battle. Politics is meant to be showbusiness for ugly people. Well, after four months I think that phrase could be edited down a bit: politics is ugly. After all, showbusiness doesn’t have to go door to door to drum up custom. The time I’ve spent on the streets of South Thanet – in beautiful Broadstairs, rocking Ramsgate and sparkling Sandwich as well as bits of Margate – I’ve met people from all walks of life, all of whom had something to say about the election. “What are you doing here?” was the main one. “What, there’s an election?” was the other – even in this election frenzy it seems there are some who know not of the democratic sweetmeats on offer. On the doorstep, local issues dominate. I’m not sure the Palace of Westminster is aware of it, but the number one thing my focus group was interested in was dog shit. Maybe it is my task to make this known, and if I end up in coalition and the kingmaker in a new parliament then my personal red, or perhaps brown, line will be needing to hear the Queen say: “My government will do all it can to do something about dog shit.” She’s a dog lover – she’d understand, though I expect some flunkey has to pick up the corgis’ offerings. If not, I’m not in. Nicola Sturgeon may have her stance on Trident – I have my stance on dog mess. Not actually on it. Trust me: I know which is of more urgent concern on the streets of the United Kingdom. What has been interesting is being on the receiving end of the TV news media. Never a day goes by without them happily leaping on a mistake, pulling apart what you may or may not have said. When I tried to parachute into the constituency and was thwarted for health and safety reasons, bloody EUSSR – apparently I was overweight – the immediate assumption was that a) I was lying and b) I was now someone you could call fatty. “Lying fatty boombah.” Thanks a lot. Truthfully, is this the best way to allow the voters to make their own minds up? And losing your temper and telling the reporters to shut up is a gaffe, apparently. I’m only human. Of course, what everyone knows about the modern art of politics is that it amounts to a long and arduous series of maths-defying promises and counter-promises, as well as a general attempt to say what the politician reckons the electorate wants to hear. Pledges have been made on taxes and promises made on spending, and a lot of it plainly doesn’t add up. Now, I don’t mind that necessarily – it’s not like I’d want anyone taking a proper look at my accounts. Always pay cash, that’s all I’m saying. It’s all very well offering jam tomorrow, but where is the jam going to come from? Is it locally sourced jam? What if it’s the wrong flavour? What if I’m diabetic and can’t have jam? But this shoddy accounting and general magic-money-tree wishing-well stuff is why we in FUKP have adopted a policy of free dogs. That’s right, free dogs for anyone who wants one. People love dogs. Now, you might say that this clashes with our red/brown line demand, but in no way are the two policies a contradiction, no matter how much it might look like they obviously are. In fact, one shows how serious we are about the other, I reckon. The polls have been interestingly stubborn since January. We’ve seen the big two parties neck and neck and little shift in either direction. In Scotland, the SNP look like they may well sweep the board in the biggest electoral upset since the SNP lost the indy referendum. For a fair while, we in FUKP were polling 1%. Let the spinning commence! Now this is fine by FUKP. It’s been made crystal clear in the very pages of this newspaper and all over the world by the likes of Occupy and Russell Brand that the 1% are in charge, so I have no worries about being a member of it and representing it. Furthermore, we all know how dangerous populism is – and if I win only 1% of the votes then it proves I am not some rabble-rousing populist. Stands to reason. We are the tiny acorn. Eat my tiny acorn! The Pub Landlord’s Election Night Special is on Dave at 10pm on Thursday 7 May. |