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Soul-Searching as Ireland Prepares to Vote on Same-Sex Marriage Soul-Searching as Ireland Prepares to Vote on Same-Sex Marriage
(about 1 hour later)
One person described a vicious fight around the family dining room table. Another said her sister, mother and elderly grandmother were all on the same page. A third said his children couldn’t understand why anyone would vote no.One person described a vicious fight around the family dining room table. Another said her sister, mother and elderly grandmother were all on the same page. A third said his children couldn’t understand why anyone would vote no.
Friday’s referendum on same-sex marriage — which, if passed, would make Ireland the first country to approve same-sex marriage by popular vote — has led to an outpouring on social media and heated family disputes.Friday’s referendum on same-sex marriage — which, if passed, would make Ireland the first country to approve same-sex marriage by popular vote — has led to an outpouring on social media and heated family disputes.
It has caused some to grapple with the role and legacy of the Catholic Church in the country, and others to ask themselves how they want Ireland to be perceived both on the international stage and by future generations. It has caused some to grapple with the role and legacy of the Roman Catholic Church in the country, and others to ask themselves how they want Ireland to be perceived on the international stage and by future generations.
On Facebook, The New York Times asked readers who live in Ireland how the proposed constitutional amendment was being discussed in their family and how different generations were reacting to it.On Facebook, The New York Times asked readers who live in Ireland how the proposed constitutional amendment was being discussed in their family and how different generations were reacting to it.
More than 200 people responded. While the audience on Facebook in Ireland is likely to skew young and urban, and therefore is not indicative of the electorate, the responses offer a compelling glimpse into how some families are grappling with such an emotionally charged topic.More than 200 people responded. While the audience on Facebook in Ireland is likely to skew young and urban, and therefore is not indicative of the electorate, the responses offer a compelling glimpse into how some families are grappling with such an emotionally charged topic.
The responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.The responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
Divided loved onesDivided loved ones
I live abroad normally, I’m very liberal, and had assumed that my entire family felt likewise. Most of us (in my generation, but also my parents’) have been vocal about our intention to vote Yes. Until last week, when one of the older generation finally said, “I think I’ll vote no,” and one of the most vicious rows that we’ve ever had in our dining room immediately erupted.I live abroad normally, I’m very liberal, and had assumed that my entire family felt likewise. Most of us (in my generation, but also my parents’) have been vocal about our intention to vote Yes. Until last week, when one of the older generation finally said, “I think I’ll vote no,” and one of the most vicious rows that we’ve ever had in our dining room immediately erupted.
I had no idea how emotive, and disruptive, and frightening this referendum campaign would be. I had no idea how emotive and disruptive and frightening this referendum campaign would be.
— Jenny Judge, 29, from Cork, Ireland— Jenny Judge, 29, from Cork, Ireland
It’s been unbelievably hard on a lot of us. I felt the soul-destroying moment when I couldn’t convince my best friend to vote yes. We’re both 31, so to say it’s a surprise is a massive understatement.It’s been unbelievably hard on a lot of us. I felt the soul-destroying moment when I couldn’t convince my best friend to vote yes. We’re both 31, so to say it’s a surprise is a massive understatement.
— Nikki Carney— Nikki Carney
My mother (52) and I (27) are proud Yes voters and have had a couple of strongly worded debates with No campaigners! My grandparents (late 70s) are unfortunately both voting no because they believe it contradicts their Catholic faith. I’ve had discussions with them when I’ve put forward all the logical and emotional arguments, but they’re not changing their opinion.My mother (52) and I (27) are proud Yes voters and have had a couple of strongly worded debates with No campaigners! My grandparents (late 70s) are unfortunately both voting no because they believe it contradicts their Catholic faith. I’ve had discussions with them when I’ve put forward all the logical and emotional arguments, but they’re not changing their opinion.
I respect the fact that they say they’re voting no because of their religion far more than people who claim it’s because of children, surrogacy and all other issues that have nothing to do with this referendum. At least they’re being honest, but I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t at least tried to get them to reconsider.I respect the fact that they say they’re voting no because of their religion far more than people who claim it’s because of children, surrogacy and all other issues that have nothing to do with this referendum. At least they’re being honest, but I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t at least tried to get them to reconsider.
— AnneMarie McCarthy, 27— AnneMarie McCarthy, 27
Convincing one’s familyConvincing one’s family
Only got home today from college to discuss it with my parents. I didn’t know what they were voting beforehand, but after a long rant of mine in which I criticized all the irrelevant rubbish that the no campaign is attempting to scare people with, I think it’s safe to say they are both voting yes, and I couldn’t be more proud.Only got home today from college to discuss it with my parents. I didn’t know what they were voting beforehand, but after a long rant of mine in which I criticized all the irrelevant rubbish that the no campaign is attempting to scare people with, I think it’s safe to say they are both voting yes, and I couldn’t be more proud.
— Michael Walker, 20, from County Kilkenny, Ireland— Michael Walker, 20, from County Kilkenny, Ireland
My mum was against it up until today! She was voting no because it was the teachings of the Catholic Church, and my grandmother raised her and the rest of her children strictly Catholic. The topic was debated many times in our house, and today she said, “Who am I to tell someone how they should and shouldn’t live, I’ve no right to judge others, it is none of my business,” followed by, “Right I’ve decided I’m voting yes, but don’t tell granny!” My mum was against it up until today! She was voting no because it was the teachings of the Catholic Church, and my grandmother raised her and the rest of her children strictly Catholic. The topic was debated many times in our house, and today she said: “Who am I to tell someone how they should and shouldn’t live, I’ve no right to judge others, it is none of my business,” followed by, “Right I’ve decided I’m voting yes, but don’t tell granny!”
— Laura Rahill, 17, from County Louth, Ireland— Laura Rahill, 17, from County Louth, Ireland
A vote for one’s childrenA vote for one’s children
Vote no to protect the future for our kids. Ban the sale of wardrobes or put a large tax on them. Nobody can come out then.Vote no to protect the future for our kids. Ban the sale of wardrobes or put a large tax on them. Nobody can come out then.
— John Delaney— John Delaney
Voting yes for Equality tomorrow. Any one (or more), of my five children could grow up and state that they are gay. I’m voting to ensure that they will have equal rights and be afforded the same status in society as any of their straight siblings.Voting yes for Equality tomorrow. Any one (or more), of my five children could grow up and state that they are gay. I’m voting to ensure that they will have equal rights and be afforded the same status in society as any of their straight siblings.
— Sandra Tiernan, mother of five young children— Sandra Tiernan, mother of five young children
I will be voting YES tomorrow. Who am I to decide who (consenting adults) marries who? Plus my 7-year-old daughter cannot understand why anyone would vote no. We can all learn from children like her.I will be voting YES tomorrow. Who am I to decide who (consenting adults) marries who? Plus my 7-year-old daughter cannot understand why anyone would vote no. We can all learn from children like her.
— Avril O’Sullivan— Avril O’Sullivan
A united familyA united family
Voting Yes as is my sister, mother and grandmother (who is in her late 80’s). As a 34-year-old mother myself I would be so saddened if my son wasn’t taught what the REAL facts of life are — love is love and everyone is equal regardless of gender, age, race, creed or sexuality. It is time for Ireland to wake up and shed the Catholic guilt which has been rammed down our throats for too many years. Voting Yes as is my sister, mother and grandmother (who is in her late 80s). As a 34-year-old mother myself, I would be so saddened if my son wasn’t taught what the REAL facts of life are — love is love and everyone is equal regardless of gender, age, race, creed or sexuality. It is time for Ireland to wake up and shed the Catholic guilt which has been rammed down our throats for too many years.
— Kate Dwyer— Kate Dwyer
My kids (boys, aged 10 and 12) have said they don’t understand why anybody would vote No. Older people I know have concurred. Gay couples (with and without kids) are already accepted in our community, so a No vote suggests to them that we don’t accept their equality. Yes is the right thing to do.My kids (boys, aged 10 and 12) have said they don’t understand why anybody would vote No. Older people I know have concurred. Gay couples (with and without kids) are already accepted in our community, so a No vote suggests to them that we don’t accept their equality. Yes is the right thing to do.
— Kevin C. O’Rourke, in Dublin— Kevin C. O’Rourke, in Dublin
Ireland’s futureIreland’s future
My mam rang me up a couple of weeks ago to say, “I know you didn’t bother voting in the last (local) elections, but you’re coming out to vote in this one right?” We’re all yes. I think this is almost a referendum on the type of country we want Ireland to be in future; one ruled by religious dogma and conservatism or a more compassionate, open-minded country.My mam rang me up a couple of weeks ago to say, “I know you didn’t bother voting in the last (local) elections, but you’re coming out to vote in this one right?” We’re all yes. I think this is almost a referendum on the type of country we want Ireland to be in future; one ruled by religious dogma and conservatism or a more compassionate, open-minded country.
— Paul Mernock, 34, from Dublin— Paul Mernock, 34, from Dublin
Nation’s imageNation’s image
Everyone I know is voting yes. Will be so ashamed of my country if it isn’t passed.Everyone I know is voting yes. Will be so ashamed of my country if it isn’t passed.
— Hazel Bradley, 31, from Donegal, Ireland— Hazel Bradley, 31, from Donegal, Ireland
For once we can lead the way. The eyes of the world are upon us. Let’s give them something wonderful to see.For once we can lead the way. The eyes of the world are upon us. Let’s give them something wonderful to see.
— Thérèse McIntyre— Thérèse McIntyre
An important momentAn important moment
This is arguably the most important subject that we have voted on as a generation as it’s fundamentally about equals rights. Not equal rights for some sort of abstract notion of a gay person, it’s equal right for our friends, brothers, sisters, cousins, children and even grandchildren.This is arguably the most important subject that we have voted on as a generation as it’s fundamentally about equals rights. Not equal rights for some sort of abstract notion of a gay person, it’s equal right for our friends, brothers, sisters, cousins, children and even grandchildren.
— Rachel Delaney, 35, from Dublin— Rachel Delaney, 35, from Dublin
If we look back at our history in relation to repression and control of certain groups of people we cannot hold our heads high. I refer to women, single mothers, gay people and indeed children. The influence of the Catholic Church was enormous. We have improved immensely. Let us not make a narrow minded decision that shows us as judgmental and which we will look back on with shame. A resounding YES in our house. If we look back at our history in relation to repression and control of certain groups of people, we cannot hold our heads high. I refer to women, single mothers, gay people and indeed children. The influence of the Catholic Church was enormous. We have improved immensely. Let us not make a narrow-minded decision that shows us as judgmental and which we will look back on with shame. A resounding YES in our house.
— Kate Farren, 58, living in rural Ireland— Kate Farren, 58, living in rural Ireland
The no camp have pulled out the usual red herrings about adoption, surrogacy etc. This is about one issue only: equality. Ireland claims to be a republic, a term that has been sullied by violence here for years. A true republic cherishes all its citizens. The no camp have pulled out the usual red herrings about adoption, surrogacy, etc. This is about one issue only: equality. Ireland claims to be a republic, a term that has been sullied by violence here for years. A true republic cherishes all its citizens.
— Jerry Condon, 61— Jerry Condon, 61
Ireland and its people have spent far too long in the oppressive and draconian shadows of the Catholic church and its influence, and a yes result tomorrow would mean that Irish society has chosen to take an historically important step in the right direction. I do not intend to have to explain to any of my children or grandchildren years from now, who may or may not be gay, that I actively participated in their oppression and exclusion from society. Ireland and its people have spent far too long in the oppressive and draconian shadows of the Catholic Church and its influence, and a yes result tomorrow would mean that Irish society has chosen to take an historically important step in the right direction. I do not intend to have to explain to any of my children or grandchildren years from now, who may or may not be gay, that I actively participated in their oppression and exclusion from society.
— Elizabeth Rigney, 33, mother of two from County Kildare, Ireland— Elizabeth Rigney, 33, mother of two from County Kildare, Ireland
Eager anticipationEager anticipation
We are voting yes, and my 6-year-old daughter is very excited making posters. There is palpable excitement around the town about tomorrow, but the worry is a lot of the no camp are the older generations, a lot of whom never met an openly gay person so can’t really connect with this issue on a personal level.We are voting yes, and my 6-year-old daughter is very excited making posters. There is palpable excitement around the town about tomorrow, but the worry is a lot of the no camp are the older generations, a lot of whom never met an openly gay person so can’t really connect with this issue on a personal level.
— Antoinette Coll, 47, in Dublin— Antoinette Coll, 47, in Dublin
A vote for usA vote for us
These wonderful comments have cheered me up no end as I was starting to panic! I’m a gay mum of three in my 30’s and we will all be voting yes. It has been an emotionally draining few weeks and the no campaign has been difficult to listen to with all of their lies and red herrings. These wonderful comments have cheered me up no end as I was starting to panic! I’m a gay mum of three in my 30s, and we will all be voting yes. It has been an emotionally draining few weeks, and the no campaign has been difficult to listen to with all of their lies and red herrings.
— Maria Nugent, lives in Tipperary, Ireland— Maria Nugent, lives in Tipperary, Ireland
A vote for othersA vote for others
I am a 74-year-old widow who had a long, happy marriage, and it is my hope that we extend the same right to marriage to gay and lesbian couples as I have had and therefore I will be voting yes for equality.I am a 74-year-old widow who had a long, happy marriage, and it is my hope that we extend the same right to marriage to gay and lesbian couples as I have had and therefore I will be voting yes for equality.
— Breda McDonald, 74— Breda McDonald, 74