Ask Molly Ringwald: I’m sick of my mum, but do my kids have a right to see her?
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Version 0 of 1. I dislike my mother. I am 41 and I have reached a point where her words, actions and opinions are not something I want in my life any more. But I have two children, aged six and three, and my dilemma relates to them: do they have a right to see their grandmother? She’s not especially awful to them, just uninterested, ambivalent and abrupt. I don’t know what to do. Even if you don’t particularly like your mother, it’s my opinion that your children do have a right to know her, provided she isn’t abusive and you set some clear ground rules. You may have felt powerless to call her out on her insensitivity when you were growing up; but if you feel that her behaviour is hurting your kids, then be honest with her and let her know. This can go one of two ways: she can take your feedback seriously and make a concerted effort to change her interactions with them; or (and unfortunately the second option is the more likely) she can get defensive, deny any accountability and punish you by keeping her distance. If that’s the way it goes, then it’s her loss. You can feel at peace, knowing that you are doing your job protecting your kids. There is a third possible outcome, a kind of hybrid, where she gets defensive at first and then comes round – but we’re dealing with years of ingrained behaviour, so, if she does change, it’s unlikely to happen overnight. It will take continual reminding on your part, and only you can decide if it’s worth the trouble. Personally, I think family is always worth a try. Who knows, through a campaign of compassionate honesty you might be able to repair your own relationship with her, too. If you talk to her rather than write, take some time to outline first what you want to say. And don’t have the conversation right after she does something especially annoying: it’s the same principle as not going food shopping when you’re hungry; instead, wait until you’re clear-headed, or as clear-headed as you can be when sitting on 41 years of grievances. Finally, since your own complicated feelings regarding your mother are likely to colour your children’s opinions of her, if you do decide to allow your kids the possibility of having their grandmother in their lives, avoid talking negatively about her around them. It’s tempting, but resist the urge. Wait until you’re out without them – that’s what friends, and bourbon, are for. • Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com |