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Hammond bores us before Boris Hammond bores us before Boris
(about 1 hour later)
Britain in the World. While it’s always a relief to realise the government has a vague idea of this country’s geographical location when choosing a title for its debate on foreign policy, there is some doubt whether their Britain is of this World. In particular, the foreign secretary Philip Hammond, a man who could could easily pass himself off as a cyborg if only he had the intelligence to match the computerised monotony of his voice. If ever Apple wanted to retire Siri, then they have a natural replacement in Phili. “Can I find you something really dull to do today?”Britain in the World. While it’s always a relief to realise the government has a vague idea of this country’s geographical location when choosing a title for its debate on foreign policy, there is some doubt whether their Britain is of this World. In particular, the foreign secretary Philip Hammond, a man who could could easily pass himself off as a cyborg if only he had the intelligence to match the computerised monotony of his voice. If ever Apple wanted to retire Siri, then they have a natural replacement in Phili. “Can I find you something really dull to do today?”
Johnson gave up any pretence at listening and started reading Private Eye​ that he tried to conceal inside his speech Related: David Cameron must be willing to walk away from EU talks, says Boris Johnson
The other sure giveaway that Phili is not of this planet is in his sense of timing. For him, days feel like minutes. Sadly for his audience, those same minutes feel like days. All the more so when he has not got very much to say other than that the world is a very dangerous place and it would be nice if, for once, we could do something to make it a bit safer rather than escalate the violence. History was not on his side given the government’s recent Libyan adventures and its sanctions to end the war in Ukraine that merely prevented Russian oligarchs from shopping in Harvey Nicks at weekends.The other sure giveaway that Phili is not of this planet is in his sense of timing. For him, days feel like minutes. Sadly for his audience, those same minutes feel like days. All the more so when he has not got very much to say other than that the world is a very dangerous place and it would be nice if, for once, we could do something to make it a bit safer rather than escalate the violence. History was not on his side given the government’s recent Libyan adventures and its sanctions to end the war in Ukraine that merely prevented Russian oligarchs from shopping in Harvey Nicks at weekends.
“Strategic shrinkage... developing toolsets... I shall have more to say about that later.... evil but amorphous foe.... perilous seas.” There was no cliche or management speak left unturned; at one point, it seemed he had even managed to send himself to sleep. It turned out he had just merely lost his place. That he had any audience at all was down to the other members’ touching faith that – even if it took 24 hours – Phili would eventually need to be recharged, making way for the presence in the chamber of Boris Johnson.“Strategic shrinkage... developing toolsets... I shall have more to say about that later.... evil but amorphous foe.... perilous seas.” There was no cliche or management speak left unturned; at one point, it seemed he had even managed to send himself to sleep. It turned out he had just merely lost his place. That he had any audience at all was down to the other members’ touching faith that – even if it took 24 hours – Phili would eventually need to be recharged, making way for the presence in the chamber of Boris Johnson.
Johnson is a busy man these days, what with being the mayor of London and having the only zero-hours contract in the cabinet, and he clearly had not come to the Commons just for its narcoleptic value. He was in the house from the start of business clutching a long – and almost certainly entertaining speech – that he read and re-read during Phili’s many longueurs – and was clearly expecting to be called while there was still an audience. He even tested the acoustics and sound levels with an intervention on behalf of the world’s antiquities in preparation. Yet time and again, the speaker found a way of not calling him.Johnson is a busy man these days, what with being the mayor of London and having the only zero-hours contract in the cabinet, and he clearly had not come to the Commons just for its narcoleptic value. He was in the house from the start of business clutching a long – and almost certainly entertaining speech – that he read and re-read during Phili’s many longueurs – and was clearly expecting to be called while there was still an audience. He even tested the acoustics and sound levels with an intervention on behalf of the world’s antiquities in preparation. Yet time and again, the speaker found a way of not calling him.
Johnson gave up any pretence at listening and started reading Private Eye​ that he tried to conceal inside his speech
The sense of disappointment was profound. Ed Miliband, who had arrived with a smile and a wave for the sketchwriters – the time-off has done wonders for his mood – gave up early, only staying for the the rather brighter – the bar was low - response of shadow foreign secretary, Hilary Benn.The sense of disappointment was profound. Ed Miliband, who had arrived with a smile and a wave for the sketchwriters – the time-off has done wonders for his mood – gave up early, only staying for the the rather brighter – the bar was low - response of shadow foreign secretary, Hilary Benn.
Thereafter, the only highlight was Alex Salmond, who is a shrewder operator than some imagine. He was perplexed by the absence of any negotiating position in Britain’s negotiations with the EU. “Will we only find out what our position was after we have negotiated it?” he asked. Phili wasn’t able to enlighten him.Thereafter, the only highlight was Alex Salmond, who is a shrewder operator than some imagine. He was perplexed by the absence of any negotiating position in Britain’s negotiations with the EU. “Will we only find out what our position was after we have negotiated it?” he asked. Phili wasn’t able to enlighten him.
Johnson was by now getting twitchy, crossing and uncrossing his arms and teasing his hair into a variety of shapes. His gloom was complete when Julian Lewis spent the first half of his speech congratulating everyone on his own benches for being alive and the rest to brown-nosing the opposition; he hopes to become chair of the defence select committee. He yet may become so. Johnson then gave up any pretence at listening and started reading a copy of Private Eye that he tried to conceal inside his speech.Johnson was by now getting twitchy, crossing and uncrossing his arms and teasing his hair into a variety of shapes. His gloom was complete when Julian Lewis spent the first half of his speech congratulating everyone on his own benches for being alive and the rest to brown-nosing the opposition; he hopes to become chair of the defence select committee. He yet may become so. Johnson then gave up any pretence at listening and started reading a copy of Private Eye that he tried to conceal inside his speech.
Hours passed. Johnson left the chamber and returned. The Speaker gave way to his deputy. Maiden speech after maiden speech – some a great deal better than others – were made and heard to an ever-dwindling audience. Come 7.40, Johnson finally got his moment, if not as long as he would have liked as speeches had now been time-limited to four minutes. “I’m not John Randall, he was my predecessor,” he bumbled. “Crime is down in London. Come to Uxbridge.” What had any of this to do with foreign policy? Then, boom. “If the prime minister doesn’t get what he wants in Europe, he should be prepared to walk away.” There might have been far fewer in the house than when Phili had spoken; but he was heard by a great deal more.Hours passed. Johnson left the chamber and returned. The Speaker gave way to his deputy. Maiden speech after maiden speech – some a great deal better than others – were made and heard to an ever-dwindling audience. Come 7.40, Johnson finally got his moment, if not as long as he would have liked as speeches had now been time-limited to four minutes. “I’m not John Randall, he was my predecessor,” he bumbled. “Crime is down in London. Come to Uxbridge.” What had any of this to do with foreign policy? Then, boom. “If the prime minister doesn’t get what he wants in Europe, he should be prepared to walk away.” There might have been far fewer in the house than when Phili had spoken; but he was heard by a great deal more.