This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.
You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/26/what-does-david-cameron-want-from-eu
The article has changed 2 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.
Previous version
1
Next version
| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| What does David Cameron want from the EU? No one knows. But he wants it now | What does David Cameron want from the EU? No one knows. But he wants it now |
| (about 1 hour later) | |
| I enjoy watching David Cameron at European summits. He has the air of an actor in an advert playing someone in an important job. You know the sort of thing: you watch them move purposefully through a buzzy office pointing at things before they turn brusquely to the camera and declare: “I work in a fast-paced environment where every decision counts. I demand performance from an antiperspirant.” | I enjoy watching David Cameron at European summits. He has the air of an actor in an advert playing someone in an important job. You know the sort of thing: you watch them move purposefully through a buzzy office pointing at things before they turn brusquely to the camera and declare: “I work in a fast-paced environment where every decision counts. I demand performance from an antiperspirant.” |
| As CEO of Look Busy Enterprises, European council meetings are hard work for Cameron. There are cameras rolling and snapping most of the time, so he has to wear his busy face pretty much all day long. The lactic acid buildup in his jaw and frown muscles is believed to be quite painful by bedtime. | As CEO of Look Busy Enterprises, European council meetings are hard work for Cameron. There are cameras rolling and snapping most of the time, so he has to wear his busy face pretty much all day long. The lactic acid buildup in his jaw and frown muscles is believed to be quite painful by bedtime. |
| Related: Cameron set to go to referendum without EU ratifying treaty changes | |
| Of course, his face is not the only replica weapon in the prime minister’s arsenal. There is also his signature practice of turning on his heel the split second he’s finished delivering his soundbite to the cameras – a shtick presumably designed to imply he is getting energetically to grips with important matters, but which in fact looks like he’s a stricken character in an Imodium Plus advert. Here, prime minister, take these tablets – they got that guy in the ad through the speech at his daughter’s wedding, and they could permit you to finish your sentence without looking like you’re rushing off to the nearest gents. | Of course, his face is not the only replica weapon in the prime minister’s arsenal. There is also his signature practice of turning on his heel the split second he’s finished delivering his soundbite to the cameras – a shtick presumably designed to imply he is getting energetically to grips with important matters, but which in fact looks like he’s a stricken character in an Imodium Plus advert. Here, prime minister, take these tablets – they got that guy in the ad through the speech at his daughter’s wedding, and they could permit you to finish your sentence without looking like you’re rushing off to the nearest gents. |
| Do forgive that second advertising reference in almost as many paragraphs – but perhaps I am not the only one who imagines a three-minute break in Doc Martin to be Cameron’s philosophical milieu. One EU diplomat present at Thursday night’s meeting actually described the prime minister’s outlining of his EU reform plans at the summit as “a commercial break”. Let’s see that in action. “There was a very emotional discussion on migration,” revealed this figure, “and then David Cameron gave us a commercial break.” | Do forgive that second advertising reference in almost as many paragraphs – but perhaps I am not the only one who imagines a three-minute break in Doc Martin to be Cameron’s philosophical milieu. One EU diplomat present at Thursday night’s meeting actually described the prime minister’s outlining of his EU reform plans at the summit as “a commercial break”. Let’s see that in action. “There was a very emotional discussion on migration,” revealed this figure, “and then David Cameron gave us a commercial break.” |
| According to insiders, this interlude was greeted without response by his fellow leaders, which is a shame. There was a real opportunity there for someone like Angela Merkel to let him finish speaking, leave it a beat, then growl “the Lynx effect”, to giggles from the rest of the room. They clearly needed a laugh to break the tension. | According to insiders, this interlude was greeted without response by his fellow leaders, which is a shame. There was a real opportunity there for someone like Angela Merkel to let him finish speaking, leave it a beat, then growl “the Lynx effect”, to giggles from the rest of the room. They clearly needed a laugh to break the tension. |
| Or, as the prime minister put it to the media outside: “People always say to me: these things aren’t possible, you’ll never get things done. Well, once again we’ve proved we will get them done. We’ve started that process, and it’s under way.” | Or, as the prime minister put it to the media outside: “People always say to me: these things aren’t possible, you’ll never get things done. Well, once again we’ve proved we will get them done. We’ve started that process, and it’s under way.” |
| And under way it is. By the mere act of unleashing a non sequitur to the blank looks of colleagues discussing not just one but two hugely complex and pressing situations – Greece and the migration crisis – it is under way. Not since an under-secretary interrupted the Yalta conference with the words “I move for wider buffet options at these events” has anything been as under way as this. | And under way it is. By the mere act of unleashing a non sequitur to the blank looks of colleagues discussing not just one but two hugely complex and pressing situations – Greece and the migration crisis – it is under way. Not since an under-secretary interrupted the Yalta conference with the words “I move for wider buffet options at these events” has anything been as under way as this. |
| By some cosmic conspiracy of timing, alas, it is insufficiently under way to be anywhere near completion in time for the referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU. Cameron’s proposed reforms to the EU are unlikely to have been ratified by the union’s other 27 member states before he goes to the country. | By some cosmic conspiracy of timing, alas, it is insufficiently under way to be anywhere near completion in time for the referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU. Cameron’s proposed reforms to the EU are unlikely to have been ratified by the union’s other 27 member states before he goes to the country. |
| Still, make no mistake, he leaves this summit as British leaders leave all EU summits: declaring that they got what they came for. As for what precisely that is, in this prime minister’s case, few can say. As with all the crappest villains, the audience hasn’t got a clue what Cameron wants. Even the other characters don’t have a clue what he wants. “What does he want?” European commission president Jean-Claude Juncker asked reporters. He wants performance from a razor, Jean-Claude. He demands it. | Still, make no mistake, he leaves this summit as British leaders leave all EU summits: declaring that they got what they came for. As for what precisely that is, in this prime minister’s case, few can say. As with all the crappest villains, the audience hasn’t got a clue what Cameron wants. Even the other characters don’t have a clue what he wants. “What does he want?” European commission president Jean-Claude Juncker asked reporters. He wants performance from a razor, Jean-Claude. He demands it. |
| He wants to use the word “significant” a lot without elaboration. He wants to be able to go home from the meeting claiming to be “tired but happy”, alleging progress in as inscrutable a way as possible. | He wants to use the word “significant” a lot without elaboration. He wants to be able to go home from the meeting claiming to be “tired but happy”, alleging progress in as inscrutable a way as possible. |
| And there’s not a whole lot else he can do, now he has so rashly gambled on securing “fundamental change” to appease the Eurosceptics frothing down his neck. What he actively doesn’t want is what already appears to be happening: namely, other leaders effectively filling in the blanks of his studiedly nebulous “demands”. | And there’s not a whole lot else he can do, now he has so rashly gambled on securing “fundamental change” to appease the Eurosceptics frothing down his neck. What he actively doesn’t want is what already appears to be happening: namely, other leaders effectively filling in the blanks of his studiedly nebulous “demands”. |
| “What does he want?” Juncker asked reporters. He wants performance from a razor, Jean-Claude. He demands it | |
| A leaked diplomatic note detailing Cameron’s discussions with another EU leader this week states: “He believes that people will ultimately vote for the status quo if the alternatives can be made to appear risky … ” Elsewhere, the note reveals: “The PM said that he had deliberately not produced a lengthy shopping list.” He seems to be privately climbing down from demanding full-on treaty change to a position of changing the treaties “in due course”. | A leaked diplomatic note detailing Cameron’s discussions with another EU leader this week states: “He believes that people will ultimately vote for the status quo if the alternatives can be made to appear risky … ” Elsewhere, the note reveals: “The PM said that he had deliberately not produced a lengthy shopping list.” He seems to be privately climbing down from demanding full-on treaty change to a position of changing the treaties “in due course”. |
| Oof. That feels like a little too much detail about how little detail there will be. Cameron cannot say what he wants because he knows he won’t get it, and if his backbenchers knew what it was they would declare in no uncertain terms that this ought not remotely to be what he wanted. Wanting things is a recipe for disappointment. The only time he really said what he wanted was when he declared his opposition to the nomination of Juncker as EU president. He wanted a vote on that one, and he got it: 26-2 in favour of Juncker. | Oof. That feels like a little too much detail about how little detail there will be. Cameron cannot say what he wants because he knows he won’t get it, and if his backbenchers knew what it was they would declare in no uncertain terms that this ought not remotely to be what he wanted. Wanting things is a recipe for disappointment. The only time he really said what he wanted was when he declared his opposition to the nomination of Juncker as EU president. He wanted a vote on that one, and he got it: 26-2 in favour of Juncker. |
| Subsequently – and indeed consequently – all Cameron’s trips to EU summits now have the flavour of a very bad attempt at a Pinter play. He must say very little, at long intervals. Much of what he says is greeted by total silence from the other players. Anything he does say might mean a great deal but could equally be read as meaning nothing very much at all. There doesn’t appear to be much in the way of plot, but there’s an implication that significance may be lurking beneath the mundanity. Then again, it might not. Is it trivial? Is it important? Is there an interval because a large gin and tonic might help this make sense? | Subsequently – and indeed consequently – all Cameron’s trips to EU summits now have the flavour of a very bad attempt at a Pinter play. He must say very little, at long intervals. Much of what he says is greeted by total silence from the other players. Anything he does say might mean a great deal but could equally be read as meaning nothing very much at all. There doesn’t appear to be much in the way of plot, but there’s an implication that significance may be lurking beneath the mundanity. Then again, it might not. Is it trivial? Is it important? Is there an interval because a large gin and tonic might help this make sense? |
| At present, it all lacks the menace of The Caretaker – though that could change as this nears its final act. When will that be? Well, naturally, no one wants to say. But you can’t blame the prime minister for wanting to bring the curtain down on all the surreal posturing rather earlier than 2017. | At present, it all lacks the menace of The Caretaker – though that could change as this nears its final act. When will that be? Well, naturally, no one wants to say. But you can’t blame the prime minister for wanting to bring the curtain down on all the surreal posturing rather earlier than 2017. |
Previous version
1
Next version