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Bankers are in a sweat over Greece – but not Milk Tray man Mark Carney Bankers are in a sweat over Greece – but not Milk Tray man Mark Carney
(34 minutes later)
Urbane, tanned, decked out in accessories as featured in this month’s GQ and smooth. Very smooth. Mark Carney is the Milk Tray Man de nos jours. While other European bankers have been getting into a sweat over Greece, the governor of the Bank of England gives the impression of a man who has just been on holiday there. Not even an imminent eurozone crisis could shift him from chilling on his sun lounger. Carney is a man who never worries about missing a pedalo, because there’s always another one coming along soon. Urbane, tanned, decked out in accessories as featured in this month’s GQ and smooth. Very smooth. Mark Carney is the Milk Tray man de nos jours. While other European bankers have been getting into a sweat over Greece, the governor of the Bank of England gives the impression of a man who has just been on holiday there. Not even an imminent eurozone crisis could shift him from chilling on his sun lounger. Carney is a man who never worries about missing a pedalo, because there’s always another one coming along soon.
So when Milk Tray Man told the first meeting of this parliament’s Treasury select committee that “eyes would have to be kept open on this”, everyone knew the latest Greek bailout deal would almost certainly end in disaster. To prove his point, Carney raised his hooded eyelids a millimetre. “There are big execution risks,” he added in a Canadian drawl that was so laid back as to be threatening. Greece might as well hand over the keys of the Parthenon to Germany right now. So when Milk Tray man told the first meeting of this parliament’s Treasury select committee that “eyes would have to be kept open on this”, everyone knew the latest Greek bailout deal would almost certainly end in disaster. To prove his point, Carney raised his hooded eyelids a millimetre. “There are big execution risks,” he said in a Canadian drawl that was so laid-back as to be threatening. Greece might as well hand over the keys of the Parthenon to Germany right now.
Not that the committee wanted to dwell too long on the eurozone’s problems as it was way above both their’s and Carney’s pay grade, so the SNP’s George Kerevan quickly turned to matters closer to home. It is nearly two years since Carney became governor and in that time his most memorable achievement has been to be seen to do nothing; interest rates have been held at 0.5% for six years and the governor’s most onerous public duty has been to tell everyone to keep chilling out. Not that the committee wanted to dwell too long on the eurozone’s problems because it was way above both their and Carney’s pay grade, so the SNP’s George Kerevan quickly turned to matters closer to home. It is nearly two years since Carney became governor and in that time his most memorable achievement has been to be seen to do nothing. Interest rates have been held at 0.5% for six years and the governor’s most onerous public duty has been to tell everyone to keep chilling out.
Related: Back to zero inflation: falling food and clothing prices drag rate back to 0%Related: Back to zero inflation: falling food and clothing prices drag rate back to 0%
Kerevan wondered whether Carney’s tantric financial mindfulness – Breathe in and concentrate on the moment, dudes – might actually be having the opposite effect to the one the Bank of England had intended. “All this long-term stability is making people anxious,” he said. “We all know that an interest rate rise will come sooner rather than later and wasn’t there a danger everyone would over-react when it actually happened?” Kerevan wondered whether Carney’s tantric financial mindfulness – breathe in and concentrate on the moment, dudes – might actually be having the opposite effect to the one the Bank of England had intended. “All this long-term stability is making people anxious,” he said. “We all know that an interest rate rise will come sooner rather than later, and wasn’t there a danger everyone would overreact when it actually happened?”
Milk Tray Man was mortified anyone could imagine his mañana mentality might be in any way detrimental. If the country did go into shock he would immediately prescribe quaaludes all round to help with the comedown. This would have sounded rather more reassuring, were it not for the suspicion that some of his closest advisers had already dipped their hands into Carney’s bottle of sedatives. Milk Tray man was mortified anyone could imagine his mañana mentality might be in any way detrimental. If the country did go into shock, he would immediately prescribe Quaaludes all round to help with the comedown. This would have sounded rather more reassuring, were it not for the suspicion that some of his closest advisers had already dipped into Carney’s bottle of sedatives.
“The government has said it would like a 2% inflation target,” observed Andrew Tyrie, the select committee chairman. “Could you tell me if the monetary policy committee is indifferent to if it actually goes to minus 1% or plus 5%?” Ian McCafferty, a member of the MPC for the last three years had no hesitation. “Minus one,” he replied, “because it’s closer to the original target.” There was a moment’s silence as the committee realised that one of the key people in keeping the country’s economy on the straight and narrow couldn’t add up to three. “The government has said it would like a 2% inflation target,” observed Andrew Tyrie, the select committee chairman. “Could you tell me if the monetary policy committee is indifferent to if it actually goes to minus 1% or plus 5%?” Ian McCafferty, a member of the MPC for the last three years had no hesitation. “Minus one,” he replied. “Because it’s closer to the original target.” There was a moment’s silence as the committee realised that one of the key people in keeping the country’s economy on the straight and narrow couldn’t add up to three.
Even when Tyrie pointed out that the differential was the same, McCafferty struggled to believe him and spent the rest of the session wrestling with his fingers, trying to work out the mysteries of negative numbers. This dyscalculia proved to be contagious, with Conservative Mark Garnier convinced the working classes were getting so fed up with low interest rates they would soon blow all their spare cash on Aston Martins. Carney raised an eyebrow. His had been on order for more than a year and he knew there weren’t nearly enough to go round.Even when Tyrie pointed out that the differential was the same, McCafferty struggled to believe him and spent the rest of the session wrestling with his fingers, trying to work out the mysteries of negative numbers. This dyscalculia proved to be contagious, with Conservative Mark Garnier convinced the working classes were getting so fed up with low interest rates they would soon blow all their spare cash on Aston Martins. Carney raised an eyebrow. His had been on order for more than a year and he knew there weren’t nearly enough to go round.
“I guess we all need to do the math,” he smiled, flashing his distinctly un-British film star teeth. Conservative Jacob Rees-Mogg blinked in the glare and winced at the missing “s”. “Our job is to worry about some of these things,” Carney continued. But not too much. Hakuna matata, dudes.“I guess we all need to do the math,” he smiled, flashing his distinctly un-British film star teeth. Conservative Jacob Rees-Mogg blinked in the glare and winced at the missing “s”. “Our job is to worry about some of these things,” Carney continued. But not too much. Hakuna matata, dudes.