Heywood's idea of hell: facing scrutiny, just like the little people

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/jul/21/jeremy-heywood-european-union-referendum

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There was a time when God was so insecure about his omnipotence that he felt obliged to take his name from Gus O’Donnell. His replacement as cabinet secretary feels no such doubts and is happy to go by the name of Jeremy Heywood. When taking time out from running the entire universe, the highest-ranked official in the civil service contents himself with running Britain. Mostly during the night, by the looks of him. He looks pale, washed out and light averse. He would have made a wonderful Stasi officer if he had been blessed with the necessary sense of humour.

There is no greater torture he can be forced to endure than having to go along with the hypocrisy of others

An appearance before any select committee is not Heywood’s idea of fun: what is the point of being God if people don’t have faith? Scrutiny is for the little people. Like the prime minister. A grilling before the public administration and constitutional affairs committee on the purdah rules for the imminent European Union referendum is Heywood’s Room 101. There is no greater torture he can be forced to endure than having to go along with the hypocrisy of others. He cannot even elect to suffer in silence as he has to be seen to go along with it. At least that’s what the rules of impartiality said he should when he last looked them up in the civil service bible.

During the Scottish referendum last year, almost no one in Westminster gave purdah a moment’s thought. Politicians from all parties were rushing here, there and everywhere in the last 28 days before the referendum to offer voters ever greater concessions if they voted to stay in the union. This suited Jeremy just as well as everyone else south of the border. Call it coincidence, but parliament is taking the purdah rules rather more seriously for the EU referendum – not least because the select committee has been packed with vocal eurosceptics, such as Bernard Jenkin and Kate Hoey, who are under the impression the government might try to influence the vote with some EU-licious good tidings in the final weeks of the campaign. As if.

Jenkin, the committee chairman, was rather enjoying being on the side of the angels for once. Heywood was enjoying it rather less so. So much for God rejoicing over one sinner that repenteth. “We’ll come on to Lord Owen’s less than favourable remarks about you shortly,” Jenkin smiled, enjoying Heywood’s discomfort. At an earlier hearing, Owen had suggested the cabinet secretary was so deeply embedded in government he no longer knew whether he was up, down or sideways. “First, though, we must deal with section 125 of the ministerial code...”

“Purdah is just not going to work,” said Heywood, shaking his head reluctantly. “The whole country will come to a halt if we’re not allowed to carry on doing its normal EU business for 28 days.” Only God could have come up with a riddle of such brilliance. The one thing stopping an entirely fair vote on Britain’s membership of the EU was Britain’s membership of the EU. For Heywood, this makes perfect sense. “It is my duty to be risk averse,” he continued when asked if he might be rather overstating his case. This was the same Heywood who, as permanent private secretary to Tony Blair, had his fingerprints all over the decision to go to war with Iraq.

Round and round God went in ever more confusing circles. Of course he would be impartial and his main duty was to let the government run the country but when it did not do what he wanted then he would obviously have to step in and although it was all very tricky it was quite straightforward really and if he had given the impression of being evasive then he had been deeply misunderstood.

“Thank you,” said Jenkin. “You’ve been very forthcoming.”

“That worries me,” Heywood replied.