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| 'I am Alena': life as a trans woman where survival means living as Christopher | 'I am Alena': life as a trans woman where survival means living as Christopher |
| (25 days later) | |
| At 8pm on Sunday, Alena Bradford will settle down like millions of other Americans in front of her TV set for the start of I Am Cait, the reality show following the gender transition of Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner. The eight-part series on the E! channel will tell a story, as Jenner puts it, “about getting to be who you really are”. | At 8pm on Sunday, Alena Bradford will settle down like millions of other Americans in front of her TV set for the start of I Am Cait, the reality show following the gender transition of Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner. The eight-part series on the E! channel will tell a story, as Jenner puts it, “about getting to be who you really are”. |
| It promises to be a gripping viewing experience, given the controversial and deeply personal nature of its subject matter. But there will be few people across the country who will be watching quite as intensely as Alena. | It promises to be a gripping viewing experience, given the controversial and deeply personal nature of its subject matter. But there will be few people across the country who will be watching quite as intensely as Alena. |
| If Jenner has become today’s figurehead for an elite gender transition, in her case from sporting male hero to female pin-up on the cover of Vanity Fair, Alena represents those who have been left behind. To her family and associates in her south Georgia town she is Christopher, an African American man with a round face, pronounced cheekbones and short black hair. | If Jenner has become today’s figurehead for an elite gender transition, in her case from sporting male hero to female pin-up on the cover of Vanity Fair, Alena represents those who have been left behind. To her family and associates in her south Georgia town she is Christopher, an African American man with a round face, pronounced cheekbones and short black hair. |
| But that isn’t who she is at all. | But that isn’t who she is at all. |
| “I am Alena,” she says in an unconscious echo of the title of Jenner’s TV series. “I may not be externally, but I am Alena. Unfortunately, I live as Christopher.” | “I am Alena,” she says in an unconscious echo of the title of Jenner’s TV series. “I may not be externally, but I am Alena. Unfortunately, I live as Christopher.” |
| Alena is one of tens of thousands of trans people across the United States still forced to live in the gender they were assigned at birth, stuck in a half-life in mid-transition. It’s a lonely and dangerous place to be, as Caitlyn Jenner pointed out in her ESPY awards speech last week. “They’re getting bullied, they’re getting beaten up, they’re getting murdered and they’re committing suicide. The numbers are staggering, but they are the reality of what it’s like to be trans today.” | Alena is one of tens of thousands of trans people across the United States still forced to live in the gender they were assigned at birth, stuck in a half-life in mid-transition. It’s a lonely and dangerous place to be, as Caitlyn Jenner pointed out in her ESPY awards speech last week. “They’re getting bullied, they’re getting beaten up, they’re getting murdered and they’re committing suicide. The numbers are staggering, but they are the reality of what it’s like to be trans today.” |
| Alena’s reality is that through a combination of her mother’s disapproval, the threat of violence in her deep south community, joblessness and an almost complete lack of medical care, she finds herself at the age of 21 still living in a male body that she considers nothing but a “shell”. | Alena’s reality is that through a combination of her mother’s disapproval, the threat of violence in her deep south community, joblessness and an almost complete lack of medical care, she finds herself at the age of 21 still living in a male body that she considers nothing but a “shell”. |
| “Nothing in me feels like Christopher,” she says. Yet she dresses as a man, answers to the name of Christopher and plays a role that feels – day by day, hour by hour – to be existentially wrong. “It’s hard trying to be something you’re not in order to please people around you. I’m trapped,” she says. | “Nothing in me feels like Christopher,” she says. Yet she dresses as a man, answers to the name of Christopher and plays a role that feels – day by day, hour by hour – to be existentially wrong. “It’s hard trying to be something you’re not in order to please people around you. I’m trapped,” she says. |
| She lives in Albany, Georgia, a town of about 70,000 in the far south of the state where every street corner appears to boast an evangelical church, with prevailing social attitudes to match. “This is a Bible belt city,” Alena says. “People are supposed to live by the Bible here, so it’s different.” | She lives in Albany, Georgia, a town of about 70,000 in the far south of the state where every street corner appears to boast an evangelical church, with prevailing social attitudes to match. “This is a Bible belt city,” Alena says. “People are supposed to live by the Bible here, so it’s different.” |
| Until six months ago, Alena lived in Atlanta, Georgia’s capital. She moved there when she was 18 after her mother kicked her out of the house having discovered that Alena – Christopher to her – was transgender. She came across a vial of hormone pills that Alena was taking at the start of transition, and the realization dawned on her. | Until six months ago, Alena lived in Atlanta, Georgia’s capital. She moved there when she was 18 after her mother kicked her out of the house having discovered that Alena – Christopher to her – was transgender. She came across a vial of hormone pills that Alena was taking at the start of transition, and the realization dawned on her. |
| Alena had known she was sexually attracted to men from a young age, about six years old she thinks. But it wasn’t until high school where she made friends with a trans girl named Coco that she made the connection. | Alena had known she was sexually attracted to men from a young age, about six years old she thinks. But it wasn’t until high school where she made friends with a trans girl named Coco that she made the connection. |
| “I’m curious, so I asked Coco what being transgender was and she explained, and that was the moment I realized I wasn’t a gay male, I was trans. I finally had a word for it. I knew what I’d always been feeling.” | “I’m curious, so I asked Coco what being transgender was and she explained, and that was the moment I realized I wasn’t a gay male, I was trans. I finally had a word for it. I knew what I’d always been feeling.” |
| After her mother cast her out, Alena made a journey familiar to many trans people in the deep south – to the north. Eighteen months in the big city put Alena well on the road to achieving Caitlyn Jenner’s challenge: getting to be who she really is. In Atlanta’s more permissive environment she began to build a life as a woman. She had a job working in a call center, rented her own small apartment, and acquired a small circle of trans friends who encouraged her to present herself outwardly as Alena. | After her mother cast her out, Alena made a journey familiar to many trans people in the deep south – to the north. Eighteen months in the big city put Alena well on the road to achieving Caitlyn Jenner’s challenge: getting to be who she really is. In Atlanta’s more permissive environment she began to build a life as a woman. She had a job working in a call center, rented her own small apartment, and acquired a small circle of trans friends who encouraged her to present herself outwardly as Alena. |
| They did her makeup, told her to be strong, to be true to herself. She was amazed by her own transformation in Atlanta. “I didn’t realize how whole living as a woman made me feel, dressing up and going out that way. I may not have been the cutest thing, but I felt at peace. I felt this is me.” | They did her makeup, told her to be strong, to be true to herself. She was amazed by her own transformation in Atlanta. “I didn’t realize how whole living as a woman made me feel, dressing up and going out that way. I may not have been the cutest thing, but I felt at peace. I felt this is me.” |
| Then last year she lost her job as a result of company cutbacks, and the whole edifice instantly crumbled. No job meant no apartment. Desperate to cling to her new life, she began sleeping in her car, but there was only so long she could go without a regular meal or shower. A month into her nomadic lifestyle, she realized she had to decide: continue living in a car as Alena, or go home to Albany as Christopher. | Then last year she lost her job as a result of company cutbacks, and the whole edifice instantly crumbled. No job meant no apartment. Desperate to cling to her new life, she began sleeping in her car, but there was only so long she could go without a regular meal or shower. A month into her nomadic lifestyle, she realized she had to decide: continue living in a car as Alena, or go home to Albany as Christopher. |
| “I was saying I would never go back home, never, but God has a funny way of making you eat your words and swallow your pride. Here I am back at my mom’s – one of the conditions of staying here is that she will not allow me to live as Alena. I want somewhere to stay? Then I live as Christopher.” | “I was saying I would never go back home, never, but God has a funny way of making you eat your words and swallow your pride. Here I am back at my mom’s – one of the conditions of staying here is that she will not allow me to live as Alena. I want somewhere to stay? Then I live as Christopher.” |
| And that’s how it is. When we meet she is dressed in a pair of army-style camouflage pants and a tank top, a black headscarf covering up her hair that she finds distressingly male. | And that’s how it is. When we meet she is dressed in a pair of army-style camouflage pants and a tank top, a black headscarf covering up her hair that she finds distressingly male. |
| “It has broken my heart,” she says about her return to Albany. “I feel defeated.” | “It has broken my heart,” she says about her return to Albany. “I feel defeated.” |
| Two names, two lives | Two names, two lives |
| In the small apartment she shares with her mother and younger brother, Alena keeps only male clothes. When she first started buying women’s clothes her mother got mad and threw them in the trash can. Alena bought replacements, only to have her mother throw those away too. “We went back and forth for a bit until I got sick of arguing about it,” she says. | In the small apartment she shares with her mother and younger brother, Alena keeps only male clothes. When she first started buying women’s clothes her mother got mad and threw them in the trash can. Alena bought replacements, only to have her mother throw those away too. “We went back and forth for a bit until I got sick of arguing about it,” she says. |
| The irony is that Alena sees her mother as her role model, as the woman she wants to become. “Though we have a very up and down relationship, she’s my biggest inspiration, she is the person I aspire to be. My mother raised two boys on her own without ever complaining. I want to be strong like her.” | The irony is that Alena sees her mother as her role model, as the woman she wants to become. “Though we have a very up and down relationship, she’s my biggest inspiration, she is the person I aspire to be. My mother raised two boys on her own without ever complaining. I want to be strong like her.” |
| Alena has told this to her mother. “She’s flattered, and she isn’t. She’s flattered that I want to be like her, but isn’t that I want to be her.” | Alena has told this to her mother. “She’s flattered, and she isn’t. She’s flattered that I want to be like her, but isn’t that I want to be her.” |
| Alena’s mother declined to be interviewed by the Guardian. | Alena’s mother declined to be interviewed by the Guardian. |
| Trans women … have to hide their identity, knowing that if their community finds out they become the target | Trans women … have to hide their identity, knowing that if their community finds out they become the target |
| Alena has no illusions now: she won’t persuade her mother to change. So to avoid another fight she keeps her women’s clothes at the house of the person she calls her “gay mom”, a drag queen called Nakia who acts as her mentor and guide. She has a couple of dresses and wigs and some high-heeled shoes stashed away in Nakia’s cupboard. | Alena has no illusions now: she won’t persuade her mother to change. So to avoid another fight she keeps her women’s clothes at the house of the person she calls her “gay mom”, a drag queen called Nakia who acts as her mentor and guide. She has a couple of dresses and wigs and some high-heeled shoes stashed away in Nakia’s cupboard. |
| Most of the time, Alena has to make do with knowing who she is inside while everyone else around her thinks she is the opposite. She runs two separate Facebook pages, one sanitized version as Christopher for her non-accepting family, the second as Alena where she posts her more personal thoughts. | Most of the time, Alena has to make do with knowing who she is inside while everyone else around her thinks she is the opposite. She runs two separate Facebook pages, one sanitized version as Christopher for her non-accepting family, the second as Alena where she posts her more personal thoughts. |
| Even when she’s with Nakia she won’t go out in public dressed as a woman. She knows that having only partially completed hormone treatment, she still looks like a man, or as she puts it: “My shoulders are too broad, my breasts aren’t big enough for the size I am. The way I am now, I look like a football player walking down the road in a dress, and that’s not a great idea in Albany.” | Even when she’s with Nakia she won’t go out in public dressed as a woman. She knows that having only partially completed hormone treatment, she still looks like a man, or as she puts it: “My shoulders are too broad, my breasts aren’t big enough for the size I am. The way I am now, I look like a football player walking down the road in a dress, and that’s not a great idea in Albany.” |
| Her mother’s disapproval – in part inspired by her religious upbringing – is not unusual in these parts. It’s the norm, Alena suggests. “It’s how pretty much everybody thinks in south Georgia. If you’re born a man you should stay a man, if you’re a woman you should stay a woman.” | Her mother’s disapproval – in part inspired by her religious upbringing – is not unusual in these parts. It’s the norm, Alena suggests. “It’s how pretty much everybody thinks in south Georgia. If you’re born a man you should stay a man, if you’re a woman you should stay a woman.” |
| The few times she did venture out on to the street as a woman it ended badly. “I got cat-called. They hollered as I walked down the street: ‘Faggot! You’re a faggot! [If] I had my gun I would shoot you.’ It made me not want to come out dressed like that any more.” | The few times she did venture out on to the street as a woman it ended badly. “I got cat-called. They hollered as I walked down the street: ‘Faggot! You’re a faggot! [If] I had my gun I would shoot you.’ It made me not want to come out dressed like that any more.” |
| Living as themselves, and living in fear | Living as themselves, and living in fear |
| The name-calling Alena can cope with. But it’s more than that. It’s life-threatening. | The name-calling Alena can cope with. But it’s more than that. It’s life-threatening. |
| At that moment I truly understood why trans women are so scared | At that moment I truly understood why trans women are so scared |
| At least 10 trans women, most of them black, have been murdered this year and transgender rights groups describe the epidemic of violence and sexual assault as a national crisis. Caitlyn Jenner raised the issue at the ESPYs, talking about Mercedes William, a 17-year-old trans girl whose body was found riddled with stab marks in a field in Mississippi last month. This week, India Clarke, a trans woman in Tampa, Florida, was found dead with signs of blunt force trauma on her torso; police have launched a murder investigation. | At least 10 trans women, most of them black, have been murdered this year and transgender rights groups describe the epidemic of violence and sexual assault as a national crisis. Caitlyn Jenner raised the issue at the ESPYs, talking about Mercedes William, a 17-year-old trans girl whose body was found riddled with stab marks in a field in Mississippi last month. This week, India Clarke, a trans woman in Tampa, Florida, was found dead with signs of blunt force trauma on her torso; police have launched a murder investigation. |
| Dee Dee Chamblee, a member of the Transgender Law Center’s Positively Trans project who lives in Atlanta, said: “In the country towns of south Georgia there are a lot of trans women whose lives are in danger every day. They are having to hide their identity, knowing that if their community finds out they become the target.” | Dee Dee Chamblee, a member of the Transgender Law Center’s Positively Trans project who lives in Atlanta, said: “In the country towns of south Georgia there are a lot of trans women whose lives are in danger every day. They are having to hide their identity, knowing that if their community finds out they become the target.” |
| Alena herself knows from experience how dangerous it is in Albany to be visibly transgender. She is scared that if she gets discovered when she is out in the street she will find herself in a near-death or fatal situation. A few years ago she made a rare foray out into the town as Alena and was set upon by a group of men. | Alena herself knows from experience how dangerous it is in Albany to be visibly transgender. She is scared that if she gets discovered when she is out in the street she will find herself in a near-death or fatal situation. A few years ago she made a rare foray out into the town as Alena and was set upon by a group of men. |
| “I put on a dress and wig and some heels and accessories, and went out. A guy tried to talk to me in a bar. As soon as he started hitting on me I told him, I’m not what you’re looking for. But he got mad, and he and his friends jumped on me.” | “I put on a dress and wig and some heels and accessories, and went out. A guy tried to talk to me in a bar. As soon as he started hitting on me I told him, I’m not what you’re looking for. But he got mad, and he and his friends jumped on me.” |
| She says the experience has left her wary of appearing in public. “You don’t know how far these people are going to go. At that moment I truly understood why trans women are so scared – I didn’t trick him and he jumped on me because he hated the fact that he was attracted to me. That’s terrifying.” | She says the experience has left her wary of appearing in public. “You don’t know how far these people are going to go. At that moment I truly understood why trans women are so scared – I didn’t trick him and he jumped on me because he hated the fact that he was attracted to me. That’s terrifying.” |
| The attack has also made her determined to become “passable” – that is, to come across so convincingly as a woman that no stranger would be able to tell she is transgender. That’s the only way she will ever be able to live as Alena, she believes, without forever looking over her shoulder. | The attack has also made her determined to become “passable” – that is, to come across so convincingly as a woman that no stranger would be able to tell she is transgender. That’s the only way she will ever be able to live as Alena, she believes, without forever looking over her shoulder. |
| But to be able to pass, she requires a steady, affordable supply of prescription hormones– something impossible to come by in Albany. | But to be able to pass, she requires a steady, affordable supply of prescription hormones– something impossible to come by in Albany. |
| Alena finds herself in a double-bind that makes securing affordable prescription hormones for transition virtually impossible. She is one of 600,000 Georgians who have been left uninsured for healthcare as a result of the Republican state’s refusal to expand Medicaid under Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act – a hardship that she shares with low-income citizens in 19 other states mainly across the deep south. | Alena finds herself in a double-bind that makes securing affordable prescription hormones for transition virtually impossible. She is one of 600,000 Georgians who have been left uninsured for healthcare as a result of the Republican state’s refusal to expand Medicaid under Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act – a hardship that she shares with low-income citizens in 19 other states mainly across the deep south. |
| Even if she were entitled to Medicaid, Georgia – along with 15 other states – specifically excludes health coverage for transition-related treatment, so she wouldn’t get anything anyway. A further 26 states have no policies at all regarding transgender health, rendering the system a minefield to negotiate, while only eight states plus Washington DC have reformed the rules to ensure that services are provided. | Even if she were entitled to Medicaid, Georgia – along with 15 other states – specifically excludes health coverage for transition-related treatment, so she wouldn’t get anything anyway. A further 26 states have no policies at all regarding transgender health, rendering the system a minefield to negotiate, while only eight states plus Washington DC have reformed the rules to ensure that services are provided. |
| The state of play is little better with private insurance schemes – 10 states plus DC require private policies to cover treatment for transition, the remaining 40 are mute on the subject. | The state of play is little better with private insurance schemes – 10 states plus DC require private policies to cover treatment for transition, the remaining 40 are mute on the subject. |
| Kellan Baker, a senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, pointed out that “many states exempt Medicaid from treatment for gender dysphoria, ignoring the overwhelming evidence of the medical needs and the psychological impact. That sets up an insurmountable barrier for low-income trans people – and trans people have a very low average income, with surveys showing they suffer twice the unemployment rate of the general population with one in six living on an annual income of $10,000 or less – to finding help from the medical system.” | Kellan Baker, a senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, pointed out that “many states exempt Medicaid from treatment for gender dysphoria, ignoring the overwhelming evidence of the medical needs and the psychological impact. That sets up an insurmountable barrier for low-income trans people – and trans people have a very low average income, with surveys showing they suffer twice the unemployment rate of the general population with one in six living on an annual income of $10,000 or less – to finding help from the medical system.” |
| ‘There’s nothing here for me in Albany. Nothing’ | ‘There’s nothing here for me in Albany. Nothing’ |
| Alena is theoretically able to obtain prescription hormones on her mother’s insurance. But having scoured Albany and surrounding towns over many months, she has been unable to find a doctor willing to take her on as a patient. She does have a physician in Atlanta, but without Medicaid to pay for the bus, and having traded in her car, she can’t afford the 200-mile journey. | Alena is theoretically able to obtain prescription hormones on her mother’s insurance. But having scoured Albany and surrounding towns over many months, she has been unable to find a doctor willing to take her on as a patient. She does have a physician in Atlanta, but without Medicaid to pay for the bus, and having traded in her car, she can’t afford the 200-mile journey. |
| “This is a messed-up situation,” Alena says with understatement. “I know that resources are out there, that people are willing to help me, but I just can’t get to them. There’s nothing here for me in Albany. Nothing.” | “This is a messed-up situation,” Alena says with understatement. “I know that resources are out there, that people are willing to help me, but I just can’t get to them. There’s nothing here for me in Albany. Nothing.” |
| And so, like many transgender individuals, Alena gets her hormones rough-and-ready through the internet. She buys bottles of estradiol, a female sex hormone, for $30 once a month, supplemented when she has the money with Perlutal, a female contraceptive in liquid form that she injects into her muscles. | And so, like many transgender individuals, Alena gets her hormones rough-and-ready through the internet. She buys bottles of estradiol, a female sex hormone, for $30 once a month, supplemented when she has the money with Perlutal, a female contraceptive in liquid form that she injects into her muscles. |
| Sometimes when she needs the drugs quickly she will buy them from other trans women prepared to sell them on the buzzing black market for hormones. No figures exist to indicate the scale of black market hormones in the US, but to those like Dee Dee Chamblee who are active in the community, evidence of the trade is not hard to find. | Sometimes when she needs the drugs quickly she will buy them from other trans women prepared to sell them on the buzzing black market for hormones. No figures exist to indicate the scale of black market hormones in the US, but to those like Dee Dee Chamblee who are active in the community, evidence of the trade is not hard to find. |
| “It’s rampant. Trans women are taking half their hormones and selling the rest on. They are getting all kinds of stuff, taking just about anything to transition their bodies to match up with their minds.” | “It’s rampant. Trans women are taking half their hormones and selling the rest on. They are getting all kinds of stuff, taking just about anything to transition their bodies to match up with their minds.” |
| Alena is aware how perilous such do-it-yourself treatment can be, administered entirely in the absence of medical supervision, with scant knowledge of the origins and strengths of the drugs, and with at best intermittent supply. | Alena is aware how perilous such do-it-yourself treatment can be, administered entirely in the absence of medical supervision, with scant knowledge of the origins and strengths of the drugs, and with at best intermittent supply. |
| “I know I don’t take hormones like I should. I take a shot when I can get it, and when I have it I take it in double doses, and when I run out I stop taking it. I know that’s unhealthy.” | “I know I don’t take hormones like I should. I take a shot when I can get it, and when I have it I take it in double doses, and when I run out I stop taking it. I know that’s unhealthy.” |
| Recently, she was present when a trans friend fell sick having injected herself with oestrogen from Mexico. “I was with her when she took the shot. The next day she was in the hospital. I knew then I wasn’t taking any more of those shots. How do we know those are human hormones? We don’t.” | Recently, she was present when a trans friend fell sick having injected herself with oestrogen from Mexico. “I was with her when she took the shot. The next day she was in the hospital. I knew then I wasn’t taking any more of those shots. How do we know those are human hormones? We don’t.” |
| The dangers of bad drugs or medicating yourself at the wrong doses are self-evident. But foregoing the drugs can also carry mortal risks. In addition to the threat of being assaulted on the street because you are not “passable”, there is also the danger of self-harm. | The dangers of bad drugs or medicating yourself at the wrong doses are self-evident. But foregoing the drugs can also carry mortal risks. In addition to the threat of being assaulted on the street because you are not “passable”, there is also the danger of self-harm. |
| A study last year by the National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that the stress and depression associated with failure to transition fully has a terrible cost – the prevalence of suicide attempts is 41% within the trans community, vastly more than the 4.6% of the US population as a whole. | A study last year by the National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that the stress and depression associated with failure to transition fully has a terrible cost – the prevalence of suicide attempts is 41% within the trans community, vastly more than the 4.6% of the US population as a whole. |
| One of the 41% is Alena, who tried to kill herself when she was 15. “It was around the time that I realized I was trans. I felt that my parents would never accept me, that I would never get to live like a woman, and at that point I would rather end my life than have to live like this.” | One of the 41% is Alena, who tried to kill herself when she was 15. “It was around the time that I realized I was trans. I felt that my parents would never accept me, that I would never get to live like a woman, and at that point I would rather end my life than have to live like this.” |
| Shedding her skin | Shedding her skin |
| Today, Alena is arguably no further towards her goal of transition than she was six years ago. What has changed, though, is the clarity of her thinking and her iron-clad determination to transition. She sees it as just a question of time. | Today, Alena is arguably no further towards her goal of transition than she was six years ago. What has changed, though, is the clarity of her thinking and her iron-clad determination to transition. She sees it as just a question of time. |
| On the second day we spend with her, we take Alena clothes shopping so that she can be fully herself just for an hour or two. She buys a $20 red-and-white chiffon dress and a $30 black wig, courtesy of the Guardian. | On the second day we spend with her, we take Alena clothes shopping so that she can be fully herself just for an hour or two. She buys a $20 red-and-white chiffon dress and a $30 black wig, courtesy of the Guardian. |
| Back at the hotel she puts on her new wardrobe, adding a little lip gloss and mascara. Alena-as-Christopher transforms in front of our eyes into Alena-as-Alena. | Back at the hotel she puts on her new wardrobe, adding a little lip gloss and mascara. Alena-as-Christopher transforms in front of our eyes into Alena-as-Alena. |
| “I haven’t felt like this in a long time,” she says standing in front of the mirror, stroking her long black hair like an adored cat. “I really feel like Alena now. I really do.” | “I haven’t felt like this in a long time,” she says standing in front of the mirror, stroking her long black hair like an adored cat. “I really feel like Alena now. I really do.” |
| She pauses, and then says: “I feel beautiful.” | She pauses, and then says: “I feel beautiful.” |
| Before she climbs back into her Christopher uniform and we drop her back at her mother’s, we ask Alena if she’d be OK taking a walk in her new female clothes, to give us a more intimate sense of the challenges she faces in public. | Before she climbs back into her Christopher uniform and we drop her back at her mother’s, we ask Alena if she’d be OK taking a walk in her new female clothes, to give us a more intimate sense of the challenges she faces in public. |
| No, she says gently. She couldn’t do that. “I’m not brave enough to endure what would be thrown at me. Not now.” | No, she says gently. She couldn’t do that. “I’m not brave enough to endure what would be thrown at me. Not now.” |
| Alena is not there yet. She hasn’t got to be who she really is. | Alena is not there yet. She hasn’t got to be who she really is. |
| But she will. She will get there, she’s certain of that. She has it all planned out. First she’ll get a job. Then she’ll start saving for a security deposit on a home of her own. Finally, when she’s ready, she’ll leave her mother and shed her male skin. | But she will. She will get there, she’s certain of that. She has it all planned out. First she’ll get a job. Then she’ll start saving for a security deposit on a home of her own. Finally, when she’s ready, she’ll leave her mother and shed her male skin. |
| “As soon as I have the money, I’m gone,” she says. “And the minute I’m gone, Christopher is gone.” | “As soon as I have the money, I’m gone,” she says. “And the minute I’m gone, Christopher is gone.” |