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Here is my love letter to Greggs, with thanks to Jake Gyllenhaal Here is my love letter to Greggs, with thanks to Jake Gyllenhaal
(35 minutes later)
I grew up in Chesterfield, a town that has – at the last count – four separate Greggs. It has a normal Greggs. It has a pioneering Greggs that you can sit down in. Across the road from the sit-down Greggs, there is another Greggs. Parse that for a second: you can veer into one Greggs directly from another Greggs in case you get hungry in the 20 seconds between the two, which people do. One of the Greggs is open until 3am on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, so shivering club girls in dresses and tough lads in vests can do pre-hangover damage to hot sausage rolls. There is a Greggs beneath the new Tesco on the outskirts of town, so you can load up on carbs before your big shop. Greggs on surfaces and Greggs in alcoves. Greggs jumping out at you from alleyways in the night. Soon, Chesterfield will be nothing but a blue plateau, four enormous beige squares looming on the horizon, a Greggs larger than a city, a Greggs larger than the moon, a gigantic cathedral to carbohydrates, mountain-sized flakes of sausage rolls pastry tumbling over the Midlands. This is the future, and I am exceptionally down with it. I grew up in Chesterfield, a town that has – at the last count – four separate Greggs. It has a normal Greggs. It has a pioneering Greggs that you can sit down in. Across the road from the sit-down Greggs, there is another Greggs. Parse that for a second: you can veer into one Greggs directly from another Greggs in case you get hungry in the 20 seconds between the two, which people do. One of the Greggs is open until 3am on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, so shivering club girls in dresses and tough lads in vests can do pre-hangover damage to hot sausage rolls. There is a Greggs beneath the new Tesco on the outskirts of town, so you can load up on carbs before your big shop. Greggs on surfaces and Greggs in alcoves. Greggs jumping out at you from alleyways in the night. Soon, Chesterfield will be nothing but a blue plateau, four enormous beige squares looming on the horizon, a Greggs larger than a city, a Greggs larger than the moon, a gigantic cathedral to carbohydrates, mountain-sized flakes of sausage rolls pastry tumbling over the Midlands. This is the future, and I am exceptionally down with it.
Related: Jake Gyllenhaal: I love GreggsRelated: Jake Gyllenhaal: I love Greggs
If you do not love Greggs, you do not love life. There is something comforting in mass-produced fast food – that you can find the exact same flavour, from Rhyl to Rotherham, in a sausage roll or a McNugget or a Frappuccino – but Greggs transcends that taste nostalgia into something more: chummier, somehow, straightforward, no messin’. Going to Greggs on a hangover and getting two sausage and bean melts plus a custard doughnut is the most efficient and least pretentious way of filling your body with pastry that there is. That’s where Greggs excels. It’s fuss-free, simple scran: it’s the action of your mate’s nan making you an inelegant ketchup sandwich, only pulled large and taut and turned into a 1,650-shop UK-wide chain.If you do not love Greggs, you do not love life. There is something comforting in mass-produced fast food – that you can find the exact same flavour, from Rhyl to Rotherham, in a sausage roll or a McNugget or a Frappuccino – but Greggs transcends that taste nostalgia into something more: chummier, somehow, straightforward, no messin’. Going to Greggs on a hangover and getting two sausage and bean melts plus a custard doughnut is the most efficient and least pretentious way of filling your body with pastry that there is. That’s where Greggs excels. It’s fuss-free, simple scran: it’s the action of your mate’s nan making you an inelegant ketchup sandwich, only pulled large and taut and turned into a 1,650-shop UK-wide chain.
Jake Gyllenhaal knows this, bless him, with his beard. Jake Gyllenhaal, with his exceptionally un-nuanced and effective way of manipulating the British press. Have you ever noticed this thing that Jake Gyllenhaal does? He breezes into town with those sleepy blue eyes of his, says how much he likes London or British people in general, and we feel starstruck, noticed, like giggling teenage girls unexpectedly invited to the prom by the high school jock.Jake Gyllenhaal knows this, bless him, with his beard. Jake Gyllenhaal, with his exceptionally un-nuanced and effective way of manipulating the British press. Have you ever noticed this thing that Jake Gyllenhaal does? He breezes into town with those sleepy blue eyes of his, says how much he likes London or British people in general, and we feel starstruck, noticed, like giggling teenage girls unexpectedly invited to the prom by the high school jock.
This time, he really needs to sell Southpaw to us, so Greggs is his new crush. “I eat Greggs, Greggs baguettes – that’s what I eat when I’m in London,” he told Magic FM, while wearing a St George’s cross suit, in between tongue-kissing a pearly queen, while mouthing the words ‘IN CINEMAS JULY 24TH, RODNEY TROTTER MATE.’ Jake Gyllenhaal! He knows about Greggs! He eats the same ham baguettes we do!This time, he really needs to sell Southpaw to us, so Greggs is his new crush. “I eat Greggs, Greggs baguettes – that’s what I eat when I’m in London,” he told Magic FM, while wearing a St George’s cross suit, in between tongue-kissing a pearly queen, while mouthing the words ‘IN CINEMAS JULY 24TH, RODNEY TROTTER MATE.’ Jake Gyllenhaal! He knows about Greggs! He eats the same ham baguettes we do!
Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever slunk out of work and gone and eaten three consecutive yum-yums and a serviceable 99p coffee?Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever slunk out of work and gone and eaten three consecutive yum-yums and a serviceable 99p coffee?
Do I think Jake Gyllenhaal appreciates Greggs in the same way we do? No. Do I think he has ever truly noticed it is one of the few fast food places that do savoury as well as they do sweet? No. Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever slunk out of work pretending to do something important but actually gone and eaten three consecutive yum-yums and a serviceable 99p coffee? I do not think so.Do I think Jake Gyllenhaal appreciates Greggs in the same way we do? No. Do I think he has ever truly noticed it is one of the few fast food places that do savoury as well as they do sweet? No. Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever slunk out of work pretending to do something important but actually gone and eaten three consecutive yum-yums and a serviceable 99p coffee? I do not think so.
If you want to like England so much, Jake Gyllenhaal, come with me on the worst night out of your life, and you can help me fight three identical boys called Lee in the queue for 2am steak bakes. If you want to like Greggs so much, we can go to the one underneath the big Tesco and eat ham baguettes from a greasy bag while we stock up on toilet roll. That’s how you enjoy a Greggs: in those grey moments of carb-craving desperation and general despair, when nothing else fills the void in your body like a lava-hot combination of baked beans, sausages, cheese and glossy pastry.If you want to like England so much, Jake Gyllenhaal, come with me on the worst night out of your life, and you can help me fight three identical boys called Lee in the queue for 2am steak bakes. If you want to like Greggs so much, we can go to the one underneath the big Tesco and eat ham baguettes from a greasy bag while we stock up on toilet roll. That’s how you enjoy a Greggs: in those grey moments of carb-craving desperation and general despair, when nothing else fills the void in your body like a lava-hot combination of baked beans, sausages, cheese and glossy pastry.
That is when Greggs is there: like a crutch, a prop-up, an umbrella on a rainy day. Here’s to you, Greggs. Here’s to you, with your meal deals and your ubiquity and the fact that you sell bread even though nobody buys your bread. Long may you continue.That is when Greggs is there: like a crutch, a prop-up, an umbrella on a rainy day. Here’s to you, Greggs. Here’s to you, with your meal deals and your ubiquity and the fact that you sell bread even though nobody buys your bread. Long may you continue.