Disco cows: meet the fluoro bovines who like to moo-ve it moo-ve it
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Version 0 of 1. Name: Disco cows. Age: Up to 15 years old. Appearance: Sick. I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps some indiscriminately administered antibiotics might make them feel better. You’re very kind, but thankfully these cows are not ill. By “sick”, I meant that they are crazy and cool. Can cows be cool? Or crazy, for that matter? These ones can. They’re dressing up in hi-viz waistcoats, reflective bands and fairylights. But is that cool? Really? Cows come late to human trends, remember. They’re from the countryside. Ah yes. And why are they rocking this new look? Is it because neon has come back? Partly that, yes. But mostly because they don’t want to be hit by speeding cars at nighttime. Yes, I often feel that way myself. And 17 cows have been run over around Stroud in Gloucestershire over the past two years – with five killed in 2014 alone. Meanwhile, the village green in Hungerford, Berkshire, is another black spot. A cow was struck by a car there just last month, and had to be put down. I don’t want to be tactless but don’t cows, you know, get killed anyway? Yes, but usually more neatly. There’s also a danger to the people in cars. That’s why a trial is underway in Stroud, testing two types of reflective collar. It was the mayor of Hungerford, Martin Crane, who suggested dressing the herd there in lights and jackets. Although the plan, which would have cost £3,000, has now been shelved for being too expensive. Austerity Britain. I fear so. Although “disco cows”, as they are known, may be an idea whose time has come. They’re popping up all over the world now, as far apart as Utah and Zimbabwe. What fun. Although shouldn’t “disco cows” wear lip gloss and open-necked shirts, strictly speaking? What we have here are “rave cows”, surely? I suppose so. Are there any plans to equip the animals with glowsticks and bottles of water? Perhaps in the fullness of time. “People don’t realise the cows will walk straight in front of them, they don’t have any road sense,” says Edwin Draper, a Gloucestershire farmer. Especially if they’re juiced up on party biscuits. Perhaps they need a designated chill-out field? These cows aren’t actually ravers. You do realise that? Do play: Horn Slippy. Don’t play: Higher Steaks of Consciousness. |