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Well, talk about a heart-stoppping moment... Well, talk about a heart-stopping moment...
(about 11 hours later)
Somewhere over the Indian Ocean at 30,000 feet a couple of weeks ago, I had an encounter with the Glasgow Effect and almost added another number to my city’s grim mortality index. The Glasgow Effect is the curious phenomenon that sends the city’s dwellers to their grave earlier than their brothers and sisters in those other major UK cities with large, working-class communities.Somewhere over the Indian Ocean at 30,000 feet a couple of weeks ago, I had an encounter with the Glasgow Effect and almost added another number to my city’s grim mortality index. The Glasgow Effect is the curious phenomenon that sends the city’s dwellers to their grave earlier than their brothers and sisters in those other major UK cities with large, working-class communities.
Not that I was aware of the physiological drama that had begun to unfold around my heart on Etihad flight No 88888 from Abu Dhabi to Perth, the second leg of three in a 23-hour trip to visit my daughter in Melbourne.Not that I was aware of the physiological drama that had begun to unfold around my heart on Etihad flight No 88888 from Abu Dhabi to Perth, the second leg of three in a 23-hour trip to visit my daughter in Melbourne.
You become aware of a slight tightening around the chest and the breaths that had previously emerged cleanly from the back of your lungs were now coming up a wee bit jaggy.You become aware of a slight tightening around the chest and the breaths that had previously emerged cleanly from the back of your lungs were now coming up a wee bit jaggy.
You immediately put it down to a bit of delayed anxiety rooted in the long haul between continents and a lifelong aversion to flying. And you resolve to locate the smoking shelter at Perth airport and fire up a couple of Bennies for the purposes of settling everything down again and regaining your cardio-composure. Throw in a couple of swift Bacardis in the airport lounge and everything would surely be tickety.You immediately put it down to a bit of delayed anxiety rooted in the long haul between continents and a lifelong aversion to flying. And you resolve to locate the smoking shelter at Perth airport and fire up a couple of Bennies for the purposes of settling everything down again and regaining your cardio-composure. Throw in a couple of swift Bacardis in the airport lounge and everything would surely be tickety.
By the time I met Clare in Melbourne three hours later though, things were most definitely untickety in the ticker vicinity and I was struggling to walk the length of myself.By the time I met Clare in Melbourne three hours later though, things were most definitely untickety in the ticker vicinity and I was struggling to walk the length of myself.
Being Glaswegian, though, you feel you have to deploy insouciance in the face of adversity and so, safely ensconced in my friend David’s apartment in the Collingwood area an hour or so later, I had convinced myself it was just a touch of that deep-vein thrombotulism malarkey and resolved to get something for it the next morning from a chemist. I just needed to pull myself together and get a decent night’s sleep fortified by another Benson’s and a chilly sauvignon. That, I felt certain, would see off the collywobbles rapidamente. Instead, the collywobbles proceeded to give me a right good kicking for my folly and so, somewhat shamefaced, I shuffled the next day into the nearby St Vincent’s hospital.Being Glaswegian, though, you feel you have to deploy insouciance in the face of adversity and so, safely ensconced in my friend David’s apartment in the Collingwood area an hour or so later, I had convinced myself it was just a touch of that deep-vein thrombotulism malarkey and resolved to get something for it the next morning from a chemist. I just needed to pull myself together and get a decent night’s sleep fortified by another Benson’s and a chilly sauvignon. That, I felt certain, would see off the collywobbles rapidamente. Instead, the collywobbles proceeded to give me a right good kicking for my folly and so, somewhat shamefaced, I shuffled the next day into the nearby St Vincent’s hospital.
You’ve had a minor heart attack, they said, and so we’ll need to look after you for a few days. Thus my first holiday in years, during which I was to offer some paternal consolation to a daughter who’d recently encountered some emotional unpleasantness, had ended as soon as it had begun 10,000 miles from home on a critical-care ward hooked up to the sort of machinery you had previously only seen in ER.You’ve had a minor heart attack, they said, and so we’ll need to look after you for a few days. Thus my first holiday in years, during which I was to offer some paternal consolation to a daughter who’d recently encountered some emotional unpleasantness, had ended as soon as it had begun 10,000 miles from home on a critical-care ward hooked up to the sort of machinery you had previously only seen in ER.
Never having been treated for anything in hospital, I had imagined it to be a crucible of stainless-steel terror and old men shuffling about in slippers and those bare-arse smocks they insist on everyone wearing.Never having been treated for anything in hospital, I had imagined it to be a crucible of stainless-steel terror and old men shuffling about in slippers and those bare-arse smocks they insist on everyone wearing.
Yet the only aspect of St Vincent’s hospital to which I struggled to become accustomed was the unremitting kindness, compassion and good cheer of the nursing and medical staff. I had seen this phenomenon on many Scottish NHS wards while visiting stricken friends and relations; to encounter it at first hand, though, is a truly humbling experience. It may only have been a minor heart attack which I felt sure was at the infinitesimal end of the scale but in the medics’ lexicon the word “angiogram” started to recur with some frequency.Yet the only aspect of St Vincent’s hospital to which I struggled to become accustomed was the unremitting kindness, compassion and good cheer of the nursing and medical staff. I had seen this phenomenon on many Scottish NHS wards while visiting stricken friends and relations; to encounter it at first hand, though, is a truly humbling experience. It may only have been a minor heart attack which I felt sure was at the infinitesimal end of the scale but in the medics’ lexicon the word “angiogram” started to recur with some frequency.
I had initially heard this as “anziogram” and wondered if it was some kind of strippogram wearing the Aussie flag whom the Australians, in that direct way of theirs, would send on to the ward to keep everyone’s pecker up. Instead, though, it was that queasy procedure by which they light up your heart to determine whether you need the full hacksaw and staples treatment or simply some medication.I had initially heard this as “anziogram” and wondered if it was some kind of strippogram wearing the Aussie flag whom the Australians, in that direct way of theirs, would send on to the ward to keep everyone’s pecker up. Instead, though, it was that queasy procedure by which they light up your heart to determine whether you need the full hacksaw and staples treatment or simply some medication.
Fortunately, they determined that a few tablets and a couple of wee lifestyle tweaks would be the best way of dealing with this. Of course, everyone says that an event like this is a “warning” and that the ramifications can be “life-changing”. So the consultant cardiologist decided to have a wee chat with me.Fortunately, they determined that a few tablets and a couple of wee lifestyle tweaks would be the best way of dealing with this. Of course, everyone says that an event like this is a “warning” and that the ramifications can be “life-changing”. So the consultant cardiologist decided to have a wee chat with me.
“The thing I don’t understand,” I said, “is that I was beginning to train for the Glasgow 3.5k in October and was taking lots of citrus fruit with my Bacardis and vodkas. I was even down to fewer than 10 Bennies a day. My temple may not exactly be a body but I was heading in the right direction. And this is the result. It’s all a bit dispiriting.”“The thing I don’t understand,” I said, “is that I was beginning to train for the Glasgow 3.5k in October and was taking lots of citrus fruit with my Bacardis and vodkas. I was even down to fewer than 10 Bennies a day. My temple may not exactly be a body but I was heading in the right direction. And this is the result. It’s all a bit dispiriting.”
“Well, it could have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been making those lifestyle changes,” he said.“Well, it could have been a lot worse if you hadn’t been making those lifestyle changes,” he said.
“I take it the smokes are completely out now?”“I take it the smokes are completely out now?”
“Yes; if you do nothing else but stop smoking you’ll be rocking and rolling. How many units of alcohol do you drink per week?”“Yes; if you do nothing else but stop smoking you’ll be rocking and rolling. How many units of alcohol do you drink per week?”
“It’s actually only about 12-16 units.”“It’s actually only about 12-16 units.”
“That’s not bad.”“That’s not bad.”
“Occasionally, though, I might do them all in on a single sitting; you know, like at a wedding.”“Occasionally, though, I might do them all in on a single sitting; you know, like at a wedding.”
“That’s binge drinking and puts your heart under enormous pressure.”“That’s binge drinking and puts your heart under enormous pressure.”
He also told me that the angiogram had also revealed something quite startling: there was evidence of a heart attack many years ago at a time in my life when I was jouking up Munros and doing three-peak challenges and “Tough-Mudder” assault courses all over the shop. Looking back, I can now say with some certainty that this cardiac event seems to have occurred at some point during Celtic’s Anton Rogan period.He also told me that the angiogram had also revealed something quite startling: there was evidence of a heart attack many years ago at a time in my life when I was jouking up Munros and doing three-peak challenges and “Tough-Mudder” assault courses all over the shop. Looking back, I can now say with some certainty that this cardiac event seems to have occurred at some point during Celtic’s Anton Rogan period.
When I returned home, I was startled to discover that the males on the McKenna side of the clan have been going down like skittles with heart failure for centuries. And you wonder if 30 years of a smoke-free, low-alcohol, high-broccoli, Munro-bagging, flower-arranging existence instead of 10 years ripping the arse out of it is actually a fair swap. And will it matter a jot if your heart already has the black spot on it?When I returned home, I was startled to discover that the males on the McKenna side of the clan have been going down like skittles with heart failure for centuries. And you wonder if 30 years of a smoke-free, low-alcohol, high-broccoli, Munro-bagging, flower-arranging existence instead of 10 years ripping the arse out of it is actually a fair swap. And will it matter a jot if your heart already has the black spot on it?
Wishing you all a bright and cheery future.Wishing you all a bright and cheery future.