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The Cosby accusers were taught to be silent. We must learn to hear rape victims The Cosby accusers were taught to be silent. We must learn to hear rape victims
(about 1 hour later)
There are millions of women and men waiting until it is safe to tell their story of sexual abuse. 35 women came forward in this week’s New York Magazine to share their stories of being allegedly assaulted by Bill Cosby. The article features a picture of the women staring us in the face, daring us to confront our complicity in this. It also included an empty chair for the women who have yet to come forward. Chances are, someone you love is waiting to feel safe enough to take a seat in that chair, and share their story. There are millions of women and men waiting until it is safe to tell their story of sexual abuse. This week in New York Magazine, 35 women came forward to share their stories of being allegedly assaulted by Bill Cosby. The article features a picture of the women staring us in the face, daring us to confront our complicity in this. It also included an empty chair for the women who have yet to come forward. Chances are, someone you love is waiting to feel safe enough to take a seat in that chair, and share their story.
Related: #TheEmptyChair: New York magazine's Cosby cover ignites dialogue on rapeRelated: #TheEmptyChair: New York magazine's Cosby cover ignites dialogue on rape
I began working with Lindy West on I Believe You It’s Not Your Fault, a blog that collects stories of sexual assault and abuse survivors, over a year ago. The project started as a simple way for adult women to get messages of love and support to young women who weren’t being heard, who weren’t being believed. The deluge of messages from women and men of all ages and ethnicities showed us that this problem is so much bigger than we could have imagined.I began working with Lindy West on I Believe You It’s Not Your Fault, a blog that collects stories of sexual assault and abuse survivors, over a year ago. The project started as a simple way for adult women to get messages of love and support to young women who weren’t being heard, who weren’t being believed. The deluge of messages from women and men of all ages and ethnicities showed us that this problem is so much bigger than we could have imagined.
The same messages that people send Cosby’s accusers: “You waited too long to report it”, “You just want attention”, “You are trying to ruin him” are messages that victims of sexual assault and abuse hear every single day. They hear it from their families, friends, pastors, teachers and the police. And since the very day that interest in the Cosby allegations fired up again, they’ve had to hear it on Facebook, Twitter and on the nightly news. Every comment blaming Cosby’s accusers for what was done to them has done immeasurable harm to all victims of sexual violence.The same messages that people send Cosby’s accusers: “You waited too long to report it”, “You just want attention”, “You are trying to ruin him” are messages that victims of sexual assault and abuse hear every single day. They hear it from their families, friends, pastors, teachers and the police. And since the very day that interest in the Cosby allegations fired up again, they’ve had to hear it on Facebook, Twitter and on the nightly news. Every comment blaming Cosby’s accusers for what was done to them has done immeasurable harm to all victims of sexual violence.
We need to give victims the chance to safely say what has happened to them, to recognize and believe them, before they can truly heal. Rape doesn’t usually look like what you see in the movies. It’s not likely to be a dark character in an alley. Or a scary looking predator with a knife. Most often it’s the guy on a date who doesn’t believe you when you say “no,” or a friend who thinks you want “more” - or it’s your uncle, or it’s your husband. Often, your rapist is someone you love and respect. Often your rapist is someone who has emotional or financial power over you. Almost always, it’s not someone you want to believe would be capable of raping you. But it’s still rape, and it still hurts every part of you, and it robs you of your agency and your safety. It still haunts your dreams and gives you panic attacks. But it’s not the type of rape that people are willing to acknowledge.We need to give victims the chance to safely say what has happened to them, to recognize and believe them, before they can truly heal. Rape doesn’t usually look like what you see in the movies. It’s not likely to be a dark character in an alley. Or a scary looking predator with a knife. Most often it’s the guy on a date who doesn’t believe you when you say “no,” or a friend who thinks you want “more” - or it’s your uncle, or it’s your husband. Often, your rapist is someone you love and respect. Often your rapist is someone who has emotional or financial power over you. Almost always, it’s not someone you want to believe would be capable of raping you. But it’s still rape, and it still hurts every part of you, and it robs you of your agency and your safety. It still haunts your dreams and gives you panic attacks. But it’s not the type of rape that people are willing to acknowledge.
Imagine walking around with a broken arm. You tell your parents and they say: “it’s not broken, it’s fine.” You tell your friends and they say, “Everyone gets their arm broken, it’s no big deal.” You tell your teacher and she says: “You obviously were doing something dangerous to break your arm, fix it yourself.” Your doctor says: “You aren’t in enough pain to have a broken arm, you just want attention.”Imagine walking around with a broken arm. You tell your parents and they say: “it’s not broken, it’s fine.” You tell your friends and they say, “Everyone gets their arm broken, it’s no big deal.” You tell your teacher and she says: “You obviously were doing something dangerous to break your arm, fix it yourself.” Your doctor says: “You aren’t in enough pain to have a broken arm, you just want attention.”
Eventually people get mad at you for always complaining about your arm, so you stop talking. And you are left walking around with a broken arm. You try to heal it yourself, but people keep asking you to lift things like your arm isn’t broken. You walk down the street and people keep walking up to you giving you more to carry. With every added bundle, your arm breaks all over again. All you need is someone to say: “I believe you, it’s broken. Let’s fix it.” But nobody will. When your friend’s arm is broken, she won’t say anything either, not after what she saw you go through.Eventually people get mad at you for always complaining about your arm, so you stop talking. And you are left walking around with a broken arm. You try to heal it yourself, but people keep asking you to lift things like your arm isn’t broken. You walk down the street and people keep walking up to you giving you more to carry. With every added bundle, your arm breaks all over again. All you need is someone to say: “I believe you, it’s broken. Let’s fix it.” But nobody will. When your friend’s arm is broken, she won’t say anything either, not after what she saw you go through.
Every victim that we silence empowers rapists. I don’t believe that there would have been 35 women sitting in those chairs if we were a society that believes victims. I don’t believe I would get so many scared, heartbroken emails from rape survivors contemplating suicide because they feel so alone, if we were a society that believes victims.Every victim that we silence empowers rapists. I don’t believe that there would have been 35 women sitting in those chairs if we were a society that believes victims. I don’t believe I would get so many scared, heartbroken emails from rape survivors contemplating suicide because they feel so alone, if we were a society that believes victims.
If we want to end rape culture and if we want to stop hurting rape victims, we need to start hearing survivors. We need to let them know that their safety is more important than our comfort. We need to let them know that their healing is more important than our reputations. We need to let them know that their words matter, that we believe them and it’s not their fault.If we want to end rape culture and if we want to stop hurting rape victims, we need to start hearing survivors. We need to let them know that their safety is more important than our comfort. We need to let them know that their healing is more important than our reputations. We need to let them know that their words matter, that we believe them and it’s not their fault.