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What if I never find love? You asked Google – here’s the answer What if I never find love? You asked Google – here’s the answer
(about 5 hours later)
I think fewer of us will find love if we continue to go about it as though it’s shopping, as though the perfect person – like the perfect pair of black trousers – is out there, just waiting to be found, for an infinite future of sexiness and companionship.I think fewer of us will find love if we continue to go about it as though it’s shopping, as though the perfect person – like the perfect pair of black trousers – is out there, just waiting to be found, for an infinite future of sexiness and companionship.
Related: What if I end up alone? You asked Google – here’s the answer | BidishaRelated: What if I end up alone? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Bidisha
I’m afraid the only infinite number here is in the supply of potential partners on the internet. In the olden days, we tended to settle for the person we were going out with at the time when we were ready to commit; over the next 50 years we then got to know each other. But now, no longer constrained by the earthly, in real life (IRL) limit of friends, and friends of friends, the settling part appears to be happening less often. Humans fear making the wrong choice more than they fear not making any choice at all, and with so many more alternative potential mates to choose from, people appear to be more reluctant to make that commitment. Instead, they keep on searching for an unreachable perfection. What we need to realise is that perfection is not love.I’m afraid the only infinite number here is in the supply of potential partners on the internet. In the olden days, we tended to settle for the person we were going out with at the time when we were ready to commit; over the next 50 years we then got to know each other. But now, no longer constrained by the earthly, in real life (IRL) limit of friends, and friends of friends, the settling part appears to be happening less often. Humans fear making the wrong choice more than they fear not making any choice at all, and with so many more alternative potential mates to choose from, people appear to be more reluctant to make that commitment. Instead, they keep on searching for an unreachable perfection. What we need to realise is that perfection is not love.
What is true, instead, is that getting to know someone, caring for him or her and being cared for, can become perfection, can become love, despite none of us being perfect.What is true, instead, is that getting to know someone, caring for him or her and being cared for, can become perfection, can become love, despite none of us being perfect.
One day you may fall in love at first sight, but whether this develops into a deep, reciprocal, lasting attachment depends on your ability to be positively influenced and to influence. That two strangers are right for each other on first sight can only be a fantasy, but it can turn into reality if you are able to rub off on each other in a way that makes life better for you both, basing your relationship IRL more than in your fantasies. There is no meaningful relationship without positive mutual impact.One day you may fall in love at first sight, but whether this develops into a deep, reciprocal, lasting attachment depends on your ability to be positively influenced and to influence. That two strangers are right for each other on first sight can only be a fantasy, but it can turn into reality if you are able to rub off on each other in a way that makes life better for you both, basing your relationship IRL more than in your fantasies. There is no meaningful relationship without positive mutual impact.
They may still role-play the perfect couple but behind closed doors two unconnected people are going through the motions
Such reciprocity is imprinted upon us by our first relationship with our primary carer, and how we synchronised together. If our very first relationship was with a parent who was phobic of being directly influenced by us, who found it hard to be affected by us in a positive way, it may mean that most of the adaptation in that first relationship was one-way, and that now we, in turn, may have difficulties with allowing others to influence us. This can get in the way of our experiencing love, but do not despair; these patterns can be changed. It is possible to become more aware of how we habitually try to form relationships and look at which of our patterns of behaving work for us and which do not. We can then begin the work of reflecting and choosing how to behave, rather than just reacting. Although our adult brains are not as plastic as they were when we were infants, we can still forge new pathways, make new connections, that may change the way we feel.Such reciprocity is imprinted upon us by our first relationship with our primary carer, and how we synchronised together. If our very first relationship was with a parent who was phobic of being directly influenced by us, who found it hard to be affected by us in a positive way, it may mean that most of the adaptation in that first relationship was one-way, and that now we, in turn, may have difficulties with allowing others to influence us. This can get in the way of our experiencing love, but do not despair; these patterns can be changed. It is possible to become more aware of how we habitually try to form relationships and look at which of our patterns of behaving work for us and which do not. We can then begin the work of reflecting and choosing how to behave, rather than just reacting. Although our adult brains are not as plastic as they were when we were infants, we can still forge new pathways, make new connections, that may change the way we feel.
But what if you do all that hard work and still don’t find someone? What if you already know how to love and be loved, but just have not found the relationship you had hoped for by now?But what if you do all that hard work and still don’t find someone? What if you already know how to love and be loved, but just have not found the relationship you had hoped for by now?
Then it may be time to change the “what if I don’t find love?” into “so what if I don’t find love?” So what if you are never swept up in a romantic whirlwind that will supposedly lead to everlasting domestic bliss? There is a possibility that love might not be the paradise you supposed it to be. Do not be fooled by the praise and sanctification heaped on to love and marriage. There is some false idealisation and sentimentality around the concept of a romantic attachment.Then it may be time to change the “what if I don’t find love?” into “so what if I don’t find love?” So what if you are never swept up in a romantic whirlwind that will supposedly lead to everlasting domestic bliss? There is a possibility that love might not be the paradise you supposed it to be. Do not be fooled by the praise and sanctification heaped on to love and marriage. There is some false idealisation and sentimentality around the concept of a romantic attachment.
Realism can be a disappointment to those who believed that being a couple would be an entirely positive, transformative experience, with one person answering all our relational needs – a somehow superior set-up to those who do not have one person, above all others, to rely on. Quite often, even those couples who do stay together find that those early feelings of love, attraction, tenderness and respect can gradually deteriorate into possessiveness, intrusiveness, contempt and the feeling of being stuck. To the outside world they may still role-play the perfect couple but behind closed doors two unconnected people are going through the motions, clinging to an idea of coupledom without experiencing real companionship. Sometimes a couple, or one half of a couple, has been motivated to get together by an unconscious belief that such a union would define them and make them complete. They then experience emptiness in the relationship as they give up what self they had to it. Sometimes all a relationship comprises is the idea of it, a fantasy of closeness and connection, with both partners distanced from each other in a silent pact of role-played cooperation, or worse, non-cooperation. And the most hurtful behaviour that occurs between people commonly happens in couple relationships. It’s true that I have said all this to cheer you up, but it’s equally true that love may not be all that it is cracked up to be and perhaps plan B is something to look forward to as well.Realism can be a disappointment to those who believed that being a couple would be an entirely positive, transformative experience, with one person answering all our relational needs – a somehow superior set-up to those who do not have one person, above all others, to rely on. Quite often, even those couples who do stay together find that those early feelings of love, attraction, tenderness and respect can gradually deteriorate into possessiveness, intrusiveness, contempt and the feeling of being stuck. To the outside world they may still role-play the perfect couple but behind closed doors two unconnected people are going through the motions, clinging to an idea of coupledom without experiencing real companionship. Sometimes a couple, or one half of a couple, has been motivated to get together by an unconscious belief that such a union would define them and make them complete. They then experience emptiness in the relationship as they give up what self they had to it. Sometimes all a relationship comprises is the idea of it, a fantasy of closeness and connection, with both partners distanced from each other in a silent pact of role-played cooperation, or worse, non-cooperation. And the most hurtful behaviour that occurs between people commonly happens in couple relationships. It’s true that I have said all this to cheer you up, but it’s equally true that love may not be all that it is cracked up to be and perhaps plan B is something to look forward to as well.
If plan A was to find love with The One and settle down, then what is your plan B? Is it to live with a platonic friend or friends, feeding each other soup when you’re ill, and enjoying companionable nights in when you’re well, with the advantage that you can also enjoy lovers without inciting possessiveness in your friend? Is it to become a solo parent and to enjoy the companionship of your children whether or not you find a partner in the future? Is it to establish a community with like-minded individuals who’ll look out for each other and join together for the greater good? Or is joining an established community like a monastery a way forward for you? Perhaps it’s time to make sure you are not taking your friendship group or your existing community for granted. There are many alternative domestic arrangements that are conducive to a life well lived. You can come up with a plan B and a plan C and yes, perhaps you may have to be a pioneer in such an arrangement, but someone has to lead the way, so why not you?If plan A was to find love with The One and settle down, then what is your plan B? Is it to live with a platonic friend or friends, feeding each other soup when you’re ill, and enjoying companionable nights in when you’re well, with the advantage that you can also enjoy lovers without inciting possessiveness in your friend? Is it to become a solo parent and to enjoy the companionship of your children whether or not you find a partner in the future? Is it to establish a community with like-minded individuals who’ll look out for each other and join together for the greater good? Or is joining an established community like a monastery a way forward for you? Perhaps it’s time to make sure you are not taking your friendship group or your existing community for granted. There are many alternative domestic arrangements that are conducive to a life well lived. You can come up with a plan B and a plan C and yes, perhaps you may have to be a pioneer in such an arrangement, but someone has to lead the way, so why not you?
And perhaps the question “What if I never find love?” is the wrong one to ask, when it comes to leading a worthwhile life. What would be a better one?And perhaps the question “What if I never find love?” is the wrong one to ask, when it comes to leading a worthwhile life. What would be a better one?
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