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A doctor's widow grieves like any other. Sometimes patients don't forget that A doctor's widow grieves like any other. Sometimes patients forget that
(about 2 hours later)
A year ago, on a cold winter’s morning, my friend woke up feeling vaguely unwell. To be on the safe side he asked his wife to drive him to the hospital where he worked as a doctor. Then he collapsed.A year ago, on a cold winter’s morning, my friend woke up feeling vaguely unwell. To be on the safe side he asked his wife to drive him to the hospital where he worked as a doctor. Then he collapsed.
The subsequent hours that his desperate colleagues spent resuscitating him proved ultimately futile. He died far too young.The subsequent hours that his desperate colleagues spent resuscitating him proved ultimately futile. He died far too young.
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I learned of his death as I was poised to write him an email. A friend knocked on my door and replied to my cheery greeting: “Obviously you haven’t heard.”I learned of his death as I was poised to write him an email. A friend knocked on my door and replied to my cheery greeting: “Obviously you haven’t heard.”
The colleague did me the favour of telling it straight: “He suffered an arrest and they couldn’t save him.”The colleague did me the favour of telling it straight: “He suffered an arrest and they couldn’t save him.”
I remember my legs collapsing from underneath me as I waited for him to amend the finality of what he had just said; to say that there was hope or that he was hooked up to the same wondrous machines that breathed life back into our patients.I remember my legs collapsing from underneath me as I waited for him to amend the finality of what he had just said; to say that there was hope or that he was hooked up to the same wondrous machines that breathed life back into our patients.
I delivered this type of bad news so many times and yet it felt utterly foreign being a recipient. Tears pricked my eyes and a kind of terror constricted my heart.I delivered this type of bad news so many times and yet it felt utterly foreign being a recipient. Tears pricked my eyes and a kind of terror constricted my heart.
“How can you be so sure?” my voice quavered.“How can you be so sure?” my voice quavered.
“I spoke to one of the doctors involved in the resuscitation. I am sorry,” my colleague replied.“I spoke to one of the doctors involved in the resuscitation. I am sorry,” my colleague replied.
I rushed downstairs where the moist eyes and the haunted expression of another friend said it all. Yes, he confirmed, he had been summoned to the resuscitation, had worked harder than ever and failed spectacularly.I rushed downstairs where the moist eyes and the haunted expression of another friend said it all. Yes, he confirmed, he had been summoned to the resuscitation, had worked harder than ever and failed spectacularly.
I remember thinking at the time that someone should relieve him of the awful burden of thinking it was his fault, but I couldn’t do it at the time. To rescue a lifetime of patients and not be able to treat your closest friend in dire need must be agonising.I remember thinking at the time that someone should relieve him of the awful burden of thinking it was his fault, but I couldn’t do it at the time. To rescue a lifetime of patients and not be able to treat your closest friend in dire need must be agonising.
We sat together – ironically, in a room crammed with resuscitation equipment – his silent rage a companion to my dazed horror.We sat together – ironically, in a room crammed with resuscitation equipment – his silent rage a companion to my dazed horror.
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I found myself sitting with my deceased friend, holding his still-warm hand. The intensive care room, where his body rested, was where he was meant to be doing a ward round.I found myself sitting with my deceased friend, holding his still-warm hand. The intensive care room, where his body rested, was where he was meant to be doing a ward round.
He should have been seeing patients, gently waking them from unconsciousness, consoling families, teaching students, adjusting machines, making calls. I thought he would wake up any moment and relieve us from the nightmare.He should have been seeing patients, gently waking them from unconsciousness, consoling families, teaching students, adjusting machines, making calls. I thought he would wake up any moment and relieve us from the nightmare.
The next weeks proved a blur, from his funeral to the overwhelming, standing-room-only memorial service – which stood out to me for the former patients who came. The blind woman whom he helped cross a busy road when he saw her hesitate; the man whose wife he had consoled as the patient recovered from a cardiac arrest; the disabled patient who rediscovered his dignity.The next weeks proved a blur, from his funeral to the overwhelming, standing-room-only memorial service – which stood out to me for the former patients who came. The blind woman whom he helped cross a busy road when he saw her hesitate; the man whose wife he had consoled as the patient recovered from a cardiac arrest; the disabled patient who rediscovered his dignity.
Then there was the physician who, years ago, upon failing his specialist exam and entering the throes of depression, had received a letter from my friend identifying himself as the examiner who had narrowly failed the candidate.Then there was the physician who, years ago, upon failing his specialist exam and entering the throes of depression, had received a letter from my friend identifying himself as the examiner who had narrowly failed the candidate.
The letter offered help, which the candidate sceptically accepted, only to be taken aback by the personal attention he received from a stranger till the day he passed his exam. “I owe my life to him”, he related sombrely.The letter offered help, which the candidate sceptically accepted, only to be taken aback by the personal attention he received from a stranger till the day he passed his exam. “I owe my life to him”, he related sombrely.
That doctor was not alone in having experienced unparalleled kindness and empathy. Speaking to doctors and patients, it was easy to see that our collective mourning was for a man whose humanity and kind deeds towered over his obvious intellect.That doctor was not alone in having experienced unparalleled kindness and empathy. Speaking to doctors and patients, it was easy to see that our collective mourning was for a man whose humanity and kind deeds towered over his obvious intellect.
In the last year the easiest things to fill were the gaps in the roster. The wheels of medicine must keep turning – although when one of our own dies, the vicissitudes of life take on a very personal significance.In the last year the easiest things to fill were the gaps in the roster. The wheels of medicine must keep turning – although when one of our own dies, the vicissitudes of life take on a very personal significance.
When I run into his thoughtful notes about a patient I feel nostalgic. Many young doctors considered him an antidote to their widespread disillusionment with modern medicine.When I run into his thoughtful notes about a patient I feel nostalgic. Many young doctors considered him an antidote to their widespread disillusionment with modern medicine.
The hardest thing to recompense has been the loss to his family. In mourning the death of a doctor we tend to forget about the people who formed the scaffolding around them: my friend’s death has given me an intimate portrait I never wished to have.The hardest thing to recompense has been the loss to his family. In mourning the death of a doctor we tend to forget about the people who formed the scaffolding around them: my friend’s death has given me an intimate portrait I never wished to have.
Like many doctors, he kept very long hours. The more he gave, the more was expected of him because of his seemingly endless reserve of verve and enthusiasm.Like many doctors, he kept very long hours. The more he gave, the more was expected of him because of his seemingly endless reserve of verve and enthusiasm.
But his devotion to medicine came at a great cost to his family – it had to be so, for how can someone be a dedicated doctor, an interested teacher, a respected mentor, an international speaker and a thoughtful administrator as well as a husband, father and son?But his devotion to medicine came at a great cost to his family – it had to be so, for how can someone be a dedicated doctor, an interested teacher, a respected mentor, an international speaker and a thoughtful administrator as well as a husband, father and son?
Listening to the stories, he juggled better than most but there is still a trail of disappointments for those who loved him the most. Missed sports games and delayed school drop-offs, curtailed anniversary dinners and last-minute party apologies, holidays cut short, holidays never taken.Listening to the stories, he juggled better than most but there is still a trail of disappointments for those who loved him the most. Missed sports games and delayed school drop-offs, curtailed anniversary dinners and last-minute party apologies, holidays cut short, holidays never taken.
The stories of crashing patients and needy relatives became the stuff of everyone’s life. Medicine is a bit like marriage – you don’t become a doctor alone but enter the whole family into the contract.The stories of crashing patients and needy relatives became the stuff of everyone’s life. Medicine is a bit like marriage – you don’t become a doctor alone but enter the whole family into the contract.
Aside from the roster to cover Easter, Christmas and long weekends, there is an emotional burden that every doctor takes home. The nagging suspicion that you could have tried harder for a patient who died. The heartache of having a patient who is chronically unhappy with you. The frustration of dealing with an obtuse bureaucracy.Aside from the roster to cover Easter, Christmas and long weekends, there is an emotional burden that every doctor takes home. The nagging suspicion that you could have tried harder for a patient who died. The heartache of having a patient who is chronically unhappy with you. The frustration of dealing with an obtuse bureaucracy.
But in the main, it’s simply the job of caring for really decent, gracious and grateful people who are just like you, but sick. It’s rarely easy, so you worry about them in clinic, think about them at dinner and fret over them in your sleep.But in the main, it’s simply the job of caring for really decent, gracious and grateful people who are just like you, but sick. It’s rarely easy, so you worry about them in clinic, think about them at dinner and fret over them in your sleep.
Everyone has a day where mingling with the family at the dinner table feels oppressive but doctors (and nurses) have many more of these days, maybe a few a week, when all they want is to hide away quietly after an emotionally taxing day.Everyone has a day where mingling with the family at the dinner table feels oppressive but doctors (and nurses) have many more of these days, maybe a few a week, when all they want is to hide away quietly after an emotionally taxing day.
Difficult as the role of a doctor may be it is also directly rewarding. The knowledge of making a difference is compelling. When a patient says “thank you”, your heart bursts into a song. When a child smiles the world instantly turns right again. But now I see that our families share all of the consequences and not much of the gratification.Difficult as the role of a doctor may be it is also directly rewarding. The knowledge of making a difference is compelling. When a patient says “thank you”, your heart bursts into a song. When a child smiles the world instantly turns right again. But now I see that our families share all of the consequences and not much of the gratification.
Where thousands lament the death of a popular doctor few think of the sacrifice of the unseen family for having loaned society their husband and father. His children must have thought that one day they would have him to themselves to savour missed opportunities.Where thousands lament the death of a popular doctor few think of the sacrifice of the unseen family for having loaned society their husband and father. His children must have thought that one day they would have him to themselves to savour missed opportunities.
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Instead, they are like every medical family – brought up to believe that patients come first. Every doctor has a story to illustrate this and indeed, this ethos sustains good patient care.Instead, they are like every medical family – brought up to believe that patients come first. Every doctor has a story to illustrate this and indeed, this ethos sustains good patient care.
But when I see my friend’s family all I can think of is the human cost of being a doctor.But when I see my friend’s family all I can think of is the human cost of being a doctor.
I am surprised when I hear patients say that doctors don’t “get” their lives. I concede we could do a better job of communicating with our patients, but really, our experiences are no different from the rest.I am surprised when I hear patients say that doctors don’t “get” their lives. I concede we could do a better job of communicating with our patients, but really, our experiences are no different from the rest.
A career in medicine is certainly no shield against misfortune. A doctor’s widow grieves like any other. His children miss him like any other. The world’s best medicine can’t reverse this.A career in medicine is certainly no shield against misfortune. A doctor’s widow grieves like any other. His children miss him like any other. The world’s best medicine can’t reverse this.