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| I failed all of my A-levels. But it turned out that it wasn’t the end | I failed all of my A-levels. But it turned out that it wasn’t the end |
| (about 3 hours later) | |
| How did I hear about the disaster that was my A-level results? I can still conjure up the shape and feel of the long, narrow brown envelope with my name, address and exam number visible through the window. It had not arrived in the morning post and where we lived there was no afternoon delivery, so I had to go to the post office after 4pm, but before it closed at 5, to see if it had come by the second post. | How did I hear about the disaster that was my A-level results? I can still conjure up the shape and feel of the long, narrow brown envelope with my name, address and exam number visible through the window. It had not arrived in the morning post and where we lived there was no afternoon delivery, so I had to go to the post office after 4pm, but before it closed at 5, to see if it had come by the second post. |
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| I think my mother might have driven me the half-mile so that she could hear the news as soon as I did. I think she knew I would fail. She certainly seemed to know that, when I floated the idea of doing art as well as English, French and history, on the grounds that I rather liked drawing and it seemed much more fun than the industrial revolution; I was told I couldn’t, since I was already going to fail the other three. | I think my mother might have driven me the half-mile so that she could hear the news as soon as I did. I think she knew I would fail. She certainly seemed to know that, when I floated the idea of doing art as well as English, French and history, on the grounds that I rather liked drawing and it seemed much more fun than the industrial revolution; I was told I couldn’t, since I was already going to fail the other three. |
| Anyway I, too, was pretty sure I had failed, although being an optimist I may have nurtured just a glimmer of hope that something might have turned up. Most of my teenage years were conducted on the chance that something would turn up, and I was not always disappointed. | Anyway I, too, was pretty sure I had failed, although being an optimist I may have nurtured just a glimmer of hope that something might have turned up. Most of my teenage years were conducted on the chance that something would turn up, and I was not always disappointed. |
| But this time nothing turned up. One grade E, two grade Fs (or was one a U? And what did that mean? So bad it could not be marked? Possibly). I cannot remember anyone’s reaction, not even my own, although I expect I was as defiantly unmoved as I had been by my poor teachers’ increasingly urgent demands that I do some – any – work towards my exams. At least I was sheltered from public humiliation by the dense quiet of a small village on an August afternoon. | But this time nothing turned up. One grade E, two grade Fs (or was one a U? And what did that mean? So bad it could not be marked? Possibly). I cannot remember anyone’s reaction, not even my own, although I expect I was as defiantly unmoved as I had been by my poor teachers’ increasingly urgent demands that I do some – any – work towards my exams. At least I was sheltered from public humiliation by the dense quiet of a small village on an August afternoon. |
| Then what? I don’t remember. Thanks to my brilliant bossy mother, who was even more determined that I should pass some exams than I was that I shouldn’t, I was forced to do resits. I did English by a correspondence course and French and history at the local tech, which was a long way from the thrilling two years I had just spent at a sixth-form college, where I had devoted myself unremittingly to not working. | Then what? I don’t remember. Thanks to my brilliant bossy mother, who was even more determined that I should pass some exams than I was that I shouldn’t, I was forced to do resits. I did English by a correspondence course and French and history at the local tech, which was a long way from the thrilling two years I had just spent at a sixth-form college, where I had devoted myself unremittingly to not working. |
| I realise – I always realised because my mother forcefully and often reminded me – that I was indescribably lucky not to have to get a job at once. I had a second chance because she was a New Zealander, a Fabian, and a strong believer – unlike my father – in her four daughters’ independence. | I realise – I always realised because my mother forcefully and often reminded me – that I was indescribably lucky not to have to get a job at once. I had a second chance because she was a New Zealander, a Fabian, and a strong believer – unlike my father – in her four daughters’ independence. |
| But it took me three years and some very, very dull and low-paid jobs before I took that second chance. For all my seeming defiance, the proof of those A-level results that something would not invariably turn up had come as a morale-sapping surprise. It took a lot of encouragement, and then the steadfast belief of my brother and my boyfriend and a particularly wonderful Daily Mirror journalist called Willy Wolff, for whom I had the good chance to work, to get me to take that chance. | But it took me three years and some very, very dull and low-paid jobs before I took that second chance. For all my seeming defiance, the proof of those A-level results that something would not invariably turn up had come as a morale-sapping surprise. It took a lot of encouragement, and then the steadfast belief of my brother and my boyfriend and a particularly wonderful Daily Mirror journalist called Willy Wolff, for whom I had the good chance to work, to get me to take that chance. |
| Disappointing news today will feel like the end of ambition, hope and the chance of success | Disappointing news today will feel like the end of ambition, hope and the chance of success |
| And then the state was on hand too, or at least the local education authority. When I finally realised that I needed a degree to become a journalist (no local paper wanted a 21-year-old trainee with scratchy A-levels, when they could have a bright 16- or 17-year-old instead), I was eligible for a grant. My parents, who had gone off to New Zealand to live, were not keen but they helped, and with a part-time job in term-time and working full-time in the holidays, I could manage fine. | And then the state was on hand too, or at least the local education authority. When I finally realised that I needed a degree to become a journalist (no local paper wanted a 21-year-old trainee with scratchy A-levels, when they could have a bright 16- or 17-year-old instead), I was eligible for a grant. My parents, who had gone off to New Zealand to live, were not keen but they helped, and with a part-time job in term-time and working full-time in the holidays, I could manage fine. |
| Now the world is geared much more unforgivingly against the late developer like me, and in favour of the kids who grow up quickly and grasp reality first time around, the ones who work hard, understand what the examiners want and when the day comes, deliver. | Now the world is geared much more unforgivingly against the late developer like me, and in favour of the kids who grow up quickly and grasp reality first time around, the ones who work hard, understand what the examiners want and when the day comes, deliver. |
| I imagine that for the rest, disappointing news today will feel like the end of ambition, hope and the chance of success. | I imagine that for the rest, disappointing news today will feel like the end of ambition, hope and the chance of success. |
| So to anyone out there who is pretending they don’t care about their results while they are dying inside, or who is locked in their room sobbing inconsolably into their pillow, or enduring what is even worse than anger, their families’ disappointment, this is not the end. | So to anyone out there who is pretending they don’t care about their results while they are dying inside, or who is locked in their room sobbing inconsolably into their pillow, or enduring what is even worse than anger, their families’ disappointment, this is not the end. |
| Related: Students’ dash from A-levels into debt, fuelled by a fear of poverty | Danny Dorling | Related: Students’ dash from A-levels into debt, fuelled by a fear of poverty | Danny Dorling |
| But that’s the only thing someone like me can say, because everyone will find different ways into the future and it is almost certainly not the future that they think it is now. Of course if you missed your perfect course by a single grade the future may still be pretty clear. But for people whose experience was as catastrophic a wipe-out as mine, well, here are some thoughts. | But that’s the only thing someone like me can say, because everyone will find different ways into the future and it is almost certainly not the future that they think it is now. Of course if you missed your perfect course by a single grade the future may still be pretty clear. But for people whose experience was as catastrophic a wipe-out as mine, well, here are some thoughts. |
| Go and do something completely different. (My parents’ decision to go to New Zealand meant I was shorn of a dangerously embracing support system.) Work out how much you want that degree, or need it. It may turn out that it was just something you thought you ought to want. A rite of passage. Or maybe, in a few years’ time, you still really want it. Then you will find a way to do it, and I’m happy to take a bet that you’ll do it better than you ever could now. | Go and do something completely different. (My parents’ decision to go to New Zealand meant I was shorn of a dangerously embracing support system.) Work out how much you want that degree, or need it. It may turn out that it was just something you thought you ought to want. A rite of passage. Or maybe, in a few years’ time, you still really want it. Then you will find a way to do it, and I’m happy to take a bet that you’ll do it better than you ever could now. |
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