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Say what you will about Kim Jong-un… Say what you will about North Korea…
(about 17 hours later)
I simply cannot hold on to my dirty little geopolitical secret any longer. It’s this: I have more than a residual fondness for the North Koreans. You have to admire the stoicism of a people who, in the grand lottery of nations that get to be ruled by despotic tyrants, drew by far the shortest straw. While other countries got debonair bampots such as Saddam Hussein, Muamarr Gaddafi and Dom Mintoff, the poor North Koreans got a wee bloke whom you imagine Chucky the demonic doll to look like if he were to adopt human form.I simply cannot hold on to my dirty little geopolitical secret any longer. It’s this: I have more than a residual fondness for the North Koreans. You have to admire the stoicism of a people who, in the grand lottery of nations that get to be ruled by despotic tyrants, drew by far the shortest straw. While other countries got debonair bampots such as Saddam Hussein, Muamarr Gaddafi and Dom Mintoff, the poor North Koreans got a wee bloke whom you imagine Chucky the demonic doll to look like if he were to adopt human form.
Just the other month, he caught one of his generals falling asleep during a meeting. The president promptly had him marched out to a field and shot at close range with an anti-aircaft gun. Admittedly, this seems, at first glance, to be excessively barbaric. And, in fact, some folk later began to doubt the veracity of the tale.Just the other month, he caught one of his generals falling asleep during a meeting. The president promptly had him marched out to a field and shot at close range with an anti-aircaft gun. Admittedly, this seems, at first glance, to be excessively barbaric. And, in fact, some folk later began to doubt the veracity of the tale.
But let’s assume it was true and ask yourself this question: if you had the choice, would you like to be blown to bits by a howitzer that can knock out a plane or by a few blokes with rifles? What if the firing squad, fresh from a night on the Don Revie to calm their anxieties at being asked to shoot you, are a bit wobbly and shaky in their aim? You could end up dying in agony of partial gunshot wounds weeks later. Let’s face it: even a partial hit by an anti-aircraft gun would leave you absolutely, securely and instantly…deid.But let’s assume it was true and ask yourself this question: if you had the choice, would you like to be blown to bits by a howitzer that can knock out a plane or by a few blokes with rifles? What if the firing squad, fresh from a night on the Don Revie to calm their anxieties at being asked to shoot you, are a bit wobbly and shaky in their aim? You could end up dying in agony of partial gunshot wounds weeks later. Let’s face it: even a partial hit by an anti-aircraft gun would leave you absolutely, securely and instantly…deid.
It doesn’t do, though, to get too fey and Edinburgh festival about Kim Jong-un’s disciplinary methods. For a start, the offending general is probably a man who believes in first-strike nuclear capability. And second, at least the North Korean strongman didn’t have his subordinates eaten alive by starving lions, copyright Saddam Hussein. The Iraqi monocrat was Britain’s former ally in the Middle East until he annexed the medieval hand-and head-removing kingdom of Kuwait.It doesn’t do, though, to get too fey and Edinburgh festival about Kim Jong-un’s disciplinary methods. For a start, the offending general is probably a man who believes in first-strike nuclear capability. And second, at least the North Korean strongman didn’t have his subordinates eaten alive by starving lions, copyright Saddam Hussein. The Iraqi monocrat was Britain’s former ally in the Middle East until he annexed the medieval hand-and head-removing kingdom of Kuwait.
Nor did he have political opponents dropped from a great height out of helicopters into crocodile-infested rivers, as General Pinochet was wont to do after the Americans had given him Chile to rape.Nor did he have political opponents dropped from a great height out of helicopters into crocodile-infested rivers, as General Pinochet was wont to do after the Americans had given him Chile to rape.
I once gently had to persuade a Scottish national Sunday newspaper’s resident rightwing columnist, who occupied a place at the gibbering end of the reactionary index, not to start his column one week with the sentence: “Viva General Pinochet”. This was at the time when Margaret Thatcher was trying to grant the prince of South America’s genocidal psychopaths political asylum.I once gently had to persuade a Scottish national Sunday newspaper’s resident rightwing columnist, who occupied a place at the gibbering end of the reactionary index, not to start his column one week with the sentence: “Viva General Pinochet”. This was at the time when Margaret Thatcher was trying to grant the prince of South America’s genocidal psychopaths political asylum.
Western media outlets have long used news coming out of North Korea in the “… and finally” category, a slot reserved mainly for English eccentrics who stookie their neighbours in disputes about over-zealous leylandii growth. Either that, or it’s an unsourced report from the US State Department that they are monitoring activity along the 38th parallel because of an illicit nuclear test by North Korea. This, of course, is US diplomatic code for announcing that it’s moving the country on to its favoured security status of Defcon 3, otherwise known as “Can we not just bomb the commie bastards?”Western media outlets have long used news coming out of North Korea in the “… and finally” category, a slot reserved mainly for English eccentrics who stookie their neighbours in disputes about over-zealous leylandii growth. Either that, or it’s an unsourced report from the US State Department that they are monitoring activity along the 38th parallel because of an illicit nuclear test by North Korea. This, of course, is US diplomatic code for announcing that it’s moving the country on to its favoured security status of Defcon 3, otherwise known as “Can we not just bomb the commie bastards?”
We like to poke fun at North Korea for making up its foreign policy as it goes along and for favouring a vivid approach in its expressions of diplomatic displeasure: “We, the peace-loving and fragrant paradise of North Korea will not bend the knee to Obama, whom all men and women of goodwill acknowledge to be a warmongering, Satan-worshipping baby-eater.”We like to poke fun at North Korea for making up its foreign policy as it goes along and for favouring a vivid approach in its expressions of diplomatic displeasure: “We, the peace-loving and fragrant paradise of North Korea will not bend the knee to Obama, whom all men and women of goodwill acknowledge to be a warmongering, Satan-worshipping baby-eater.”
We in the sophisticated west also like to disparage the apparent gullibility of its people. We show pictures of them cheering wildly when state television tells them that the pope is to canonise Kim Jong-un. Last year, there was a cruel spoof showing scenes of joy at the news North Korea were about to play the hated Portuguese in the World Cup final.We in the sophisticated west also like to disparage the apparent gullibility of its people. We show pictures of them cheering wildly when state television tells them that the pope is to canonise Kim Jong-un. Last year, there was a cruel spoof showing scenes of joy at the news North Korea were about to play the hated Portuguese in the World Cup final.
Yet that would work for me. What if we floated a story that Scotland had really won the World Cup in 1966 and that England’s triumph was really an elaborate unionist confidence trick to quell rising nationalist fervour? And that the usual unionist lickspittles in the press and BBC, together with a lapdog Scottish Office, had helped spread the lie? Last week, we were at it again as we struggled to suppress a condescending titter at news of North Korea creating its own time zone.Yet that would work for me. What if we floated a story that Scotland had really won the World Cup in 1966 and that England’s triumph was really an elaborate unionist confidence trick to quell rising nationalist fervour? And that the usual unionist lickspittles in the press and BBC, together with a lapdog Scottish Office, had helped spread the lie? Last week, we were at it again as we struggled to suppress a condescending titter at news of North Korea creating its own time zone.
I hope that the North Korean people also have a right good laugh when they see footage depicting us as naive, sleepwalking simpletons. All they have to do is click on to any UK news outlet. Then they would find out that for centuries the UK has been governed by a tiny elite drawn from some of the most privileged families in the UK and that we, the idiot punters, all think we’re in a democracy.I hope that the North Korean people also have a right good laugh when they see footage depicting us as naive, sleepwalking simpletons. All they have to do is click on to any UK news outlet. Then they would find out that for centuries the UK has been governed by a tiny elite drawn from some of the most privileged families in the UK and that we, the idiot punters, all think we’re in a democracy.
They would discover that, despite possessing riches beyond the imagination of North Korea, we have one of the most unequal societies in the world. To their horror, they would also discover that hundreds of thousands of UK children live in grinding poverty.They would discover that, despite possessing riches beyond the imagination of North Korea, we have one of the most unequal societies in the world. To their horror, they would also discover that hundreds of thousands of UK children live in grinding poverty.
They would wonder why we’ve never risen up against a regime that spends billions on nuclear weapons and has been in a state of perpetual war for more than 300 years. They would gasp that the UK government imposes a levy of £2K on every UK family to help banks whose greed and avarice in recent years almost ruined the entire western economy.They would wonder why we’ve never risen up against a regime that spends billions on nuclear weapons and has been in a state of perpetual war for more than 300 years. They would gasp that the UK government imposes a levy of £2K on every UK family to help banks whose greed and avarice in recent years almost ruined the entire western economy.
They would jeer when it was revealed that, after all this, the poorest families received even less money to pay for something called “quantitative easing”. And they would marvel at how the UK establishment agrees to grant its royal family a millionaire lifestyle in return for them keeping our eyes averted with an endless soap opera of births, deaths, marriages and divorces.They would jeer when it was revealed that, after all this, the poorest families received even less money to pay for something called “quantitative easing”. And they would marvel at how the UK establishment agrees to grant its royal family a millionaire lifestyle in return for them keeping our eyes averted with an endless soap opera of births, deaths, marriages and divorces.
They would draw their children close when it was revealed that we allow the United States, the most reactionary country in the world and one that gives its police officers carte blanche to execute black people, to dictate our foreign policy and to torture horribly some of our own citizens on trumped-up charges of terrorism. And they would immediately dismiss it as a spoof. For how could any people in the so-called civilised west allow their government to treat them in such a fashion?They would draw their children close when it was revealed that we allow the United States, the most reactionary country in the world and one that gives its police officers carte blanche to execute black people, to dictate our foreign policy and to torture horribly some of our own citizens on trumped-up charges of terrorism. And they would immediately dismiss it as a spoof. For how could any people in the so-called civilised west allow their government to treat them in such a fashion?