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| My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits Despite the Outbreak. Can I Object? | My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits Despite the Outbreak. Can I Object? |
| (4 days later) | |
| I am a woman in my mid-20s and live with a female roommate in Massachusetts. We have been under a stay-at-home advisory because of Covid-19, and we both now work remotely. For the past few weeks, I have been practicing social distancing, going out only to the supermarket and for walks and runs and keeping six feet between myself and others. Although I’m at a low (but not nonexistent) risk of falling seriously ill from the coronavirus, I don’t want to make more vulnerable members of the population sick, contribute to the spread of this virus or use up valuable health care resources. | I am a woman in my mid-20s and live with a female roommate in Massachusetts. We have been under a stay-at-home advisory because of Covid-19, and we both now work remotely. For the past few weeks, I have been practicing social distancing, going out only to the supermarket and for walks and runs and keeping six feet between myself and others. Although I’m at a low (but not nonexistent) risk of falling seriously ill from the coronavirus, I don’t want to make more vulnerable members of the population sick, contribute to the spread of this virus or use up valuable health care resources. |
| My roommate, however, has continued to see her boyfriend. He comes over to our apartment every day around dinnertime. They typically cook dinner in our kitchen and then he stays over. The next morning, he eats breakfast in our living room and goes to his apartment to work remotely. He comes back to our apartment after work and does it all over again. My roommate’s boyfriend lives with roommates, and the roommates are not practicing social distancing to the extent that I am. The roommates are continuing to see several friends. I’m not confident that they’re all taking the proper precautions. | My roommate, however, has continued to see her boyfriend. He comes over to our apartment every day around dinnertime. They typically cook dinner in our kitchen and then he stays over. The next morning, he eats breakfast in our living room and goes to his apartment to work remotely. He comes back to our apartment after work and does it all over again. My roommate’s boyfriend lives with roommates, and the roommates are not practicing social distancing to the extent that I am. The roommates are continuing to see several friends. I’m not confident that they’re all taking the proper precautions. |
| In being exposed to my roommate’s boyfriend, I am also exposed to his roommates and to his roommates’ friends, at the very least. This makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My understanding is that we should be limiting our social interactions and operating only within a closed circle (and ideally not outside of our own household). | In being exposed to my roommate’s boyfriend, I am also exposed to his roommates and to his roommates’ friends, at the very least. This makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My understanding is that we should be limiting our social interactions and operating only within a closed circle (and ideally not outside of our own household). |
| I laid out my concerns to my roommate, and presented her with four options to close the chain of social interaction: 1) Her boyfriend moves in with us temporarily; 2) she moves in with him temporarily; 3) she goes home to her family’s house (an easy drive) and continues to do as she wishes or; 4) she stays in our apartment and stops seeing her boyfriend in person until the pandemic dies down. My roommate refused to accept any of these options. She insisted that it is her right to see her boyfriend and that she does not believe she is flouting the stay-at-home advisory. She told me that it is unreasonable of me to ask that she alter her behavior and that I am trying to assert control over what she does. She also presented a compromise: cleaning the common areas after using them and trying to ensure that the two of us come into as little contact as possible throughout the day. | I laid out my concerns to my roommate, and presented her with four options to close the chain of social interaction: 1) Her boyfriend moves in with us temporarily; 2) she moves in with him temporarily; 3) she goes home to her family’s house (an easy drive) and continues to do as she wishes or; 4) she stays in our apartment and stops seeing her boyfriend in person until the pandemic dies down. My roommate refused to accept any of these options. She insisted that it is her right to see her boyfriend and that she does not believe she is flouting the stay-at-home advisory. She told me that it is unreasonable of me to ask that she alter her behavior and that I am trying to assert control over what she does. She also presented a compromise: cleaning the common areas after using them and trying to ensure that the two of us come into as little contact as possible throughout the day. |
| I don’t believe her proposal goes far enough. She might be comfortable assuming the risks of her actions; I am not. This virus transmits easily, and having her boyfriend in the house every day introduces unknown factors into our household. We’re in the midst of a pandemic — everyone is making sacrifices and altering their way of life. I believe it is my right to feel safe and healthy in my own home, and that that right should outweigh my roommate’s perceived right to do as she pleases. I’m originally from New York City, the epicenter of the pandemic. Even if I felt safe going home (which I don’t), I don’t have a means of getting there. I’m effectively stuck in our apartment, but my roommate has other places to go. | I don’t believe her proposal goes far enough. She might be comfortable assuming the risks of her actions; I am not. This virus transmits easily, and having her boyfriend in the house every day introduces unknown factors into our household. We’re in the midst of a pandemic — everyone is making sacrifices and altering their way of life. I believe it is my right to feel safe and healthy in my own home, and that that right should outweigh my roommate’s perceived right to do as she pleases. I’m originally from New York City, the epicenter of the pandemic. Even if I felt safe going home (which I don’t), I don’t have a means of getting there. I’m effectively stuck in our apartment, but my roommate has other places to go. |
| Am I being unreasonable? Is there any other course of action we can take that I’m not seeing? Name Withheld | Am I being unreasonable? Is there any other course of action we can take that I’m not seeing? Name Withheld |
| There’s a paradoxical connection between erotic love and egoism: In turning you from yourself toward another person, love may turn the two of you away from everyone else. Because love is, for many of us, a central source of meaning in our lives, we have to figure out how to balance it against other concerns and obligations. That, in essence, is the challenge facing your roommate and her boyfriend. And in offering solutions that allow them to stay together, you are rightly acknowledging these realities; there is a difference between a consuming love and an all-consuming one. In this case, helping them find the right balance is a task that has a particular urgency. | There’s a paradoxical connection between erotic love and egoism: In turning you from yourself toward another person, love may turn the two of you away from everyone else. Because love is, for many of us, a central source of meaning in our lives, we have to figure out how to balance it against other concerns and obligations. That, in essence, is the challenge facing your roommate and her boyfriend. And in offering solutions that allow them to stay together, you are rightly acknowledging these realities; there is a difference between a consuming love and an all-consuming one. In this case, helping them find the right balance is a task that has a particular urgency. |
| When you are engaged in social distancing, you are doing two things, as you point out. One is merely prudent and self-interested: you are lowering the probability of your acquiring this disease. But the second thing you’re doing is conforming to a policy aimed at reducing the risks to all of us who have not yet been infected. This part of distancing is, in large part, altruistic. We do it for the sake of our community and, especially, for the sake of those who, owing to their age or underlying health conditions, face particular peril. We do it to reduce the burden on our health care system and on the heroic workers who are keeping it going. | When you are engaged in social distancing, you are doing two things, as you point out. One is merely prudent and self-interested: you are lowering the probability of your acquiring this disease. But the second thing you’re doing is conforming to a policy aimed at reducing the risks to all of us who have not yet been infected. This part of distancing is, in large part, altruistic. We do it for the sake of our community and, especially, for the sake of those who, owing to their age or underlying health conditions, face particular peril. We do it to reduce the burden on our health care system and on the heroic workers who are keeping it going. |
| Now, we could have adopted a policy of exempting people who want to have their boyfriends over each day for dinner and a sleepover followed by a cozy breakfast. But for very good reasons, that isn’t the policy that has been recommended. The recommended policy is the one your letter describes, and the evidence suggests that it is working, even though some people — out of ignorance, foolishness or wickedness — are breaching it. When a policy is working for the general good, we owe it to one another and to the community to do our fair share. A great many people are depriving themselves of face-to-face contacts they would enjoy. It’s unfair to them when others fail to do their part. The policy works because small sacrifices by many people can produce a very large and lifesaving benefit. By defecting from the policy, your roommate is betraying not just you but also everybody who is sticking to it. She is also displaying a lack of respect for everyone who is benefiting from the lowered risk of infection. | Now, we could have adopted a policy of exempting people who want to have their boyfriends over each day for dinner and a sleepover followed by a cozy breakfast. But for very good reasons, that isn’t the policy that has been recommended. The recommended policy is the one your letter describes, and the evidence suggests that it is working, even though some people — out of ignorance, foolishness or wickedness — are breaching it. When a policy is working for the general good, we owe it to one another and to the community to do our fair share. A great many people are depriving themselves of face-to-face contacts they would enjoy. It’s unfair to them when others fail to do their part. The policy works because small sacrifices by many people can produce a very large and lifesaving benefit. By defecting from the policy, your roommate is betraying not just you but also everybody who is sticking to it. She is also displaying a lack of respect for everyone who is benefiting from the lowered risk of infection. |
| That doesn’t mean anyone in your household will necessarily pay a penalty. Driving with your eyes closed down a highway at night for 10 seconds, you’re pretty unlikely to hit anyone, especially if other drivers are properly alert. But if everybody did it, lots of people would be maimed or killed. So we have a policy that forbids it, even though many Americans might wish to experience the thrill. The point is that it doesn’t matter whether a specific violation of our public-health policy causes harm. Breaching it is reckless and antisocial. Doing so regularly is even worse. Your roommate, who objects to being “controlled,” is concerned with her autonomy. But she and her boyfriend are disregarding yours. As John Stuart Mill’s “harm principle” tells us, autonomy reaches its limits when an action is a threat to others. She needs to open her eyes. | That doesn’t mean anyone in your household will necessarily pay a penalty. Driving with your eyes closed down a highway at night for 10 seconds, you’re pretty unlikely to hit anyone, especially if other drivers are properly alert. But if everybody did it, lots of people would be maimed or killed. So we have a policy that forbids it, even though many Americans might wish to experience the thrill. The point is that it doesn’t matter whether a specific violation of our public-health policy causes harm. Breaching it is reckless and antisocial. Doing so regularly is even worse. Your roommate, who objects to being “controlled,” is concerned with her autonomy. But she and her boyfriend are disregarding yours. As John Stuart Mill’s “harm principle” tells us, autonomy reaches its limits when an action is a threat to others. She needs to open her eyes. |
| Updated June 30, 2020 | |
| Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. | |
| Scientists around the country have tried to identify everyday materials that do a good job of filtering microscopic particles. In recent tests, HEPA furnace filters scored high, as did vacuum cleaner bags, fabric similar to flannel pajamas and those of 600-count pillowcases. Other materials tested included layered coffee filters and scarves and bandannas. These scored lower, but still captured a small percentage of particles. | Scientists around the country have tried to identify everyday materials that do a good job of filtering microscopic particles. In recent tests, HEPA furnace filters scored high, as did vacuum cleaner bags, fabric similar to flannel pajamas and those of 600-count pillowcases. Other materials tested included layered coffee filters and scarves and bandannas. These scored lower, but still captured a small percentage of particles. |
| A commentary published this month on the website of the British Journal of Sports Medicine points out that covering your face during exercise “comes with issues of potential breathing restriction and discomfort” and requires “balancing benefits versus possible adverse events.” Masks do alter exercise, says Cedric X. Bryant, the president and chief science officer of the American Council on Exercise, a nonprofit organization that funds exercise research and certifies fitness professionals. “In my personal experience,” he says, “heart rates are higher at the same relative intensity when you wear a mask.” Some people also could experience lightheadedness during familiar workouts while masked, says Len Kravitz, a professor of exercise science at the University of New Mexico. | A commentary published this month on the website of the British Journal of Sports Medicine points out that covering your face during exercise “comes with issues of potential breathing restriction and discomfort” and requires “balancing benefits versus possible adverse events.” Masks do alter exercise, says Cedric X. Bryant, the president and chief science officer of the American Council on Exercise, a nonprofit organization that funds exercise research and certifies fitness professionals. “In my personal experience,” he says, “heart rates are higher at the same relative intensity when you wear a mask.” Some people also could experience lightheadedness during familiar workouts while masked, says Len Kravitz, a professor of exercise science at the University of New Mexico. |
| The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth. | The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth. |
| The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. | The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. |
| So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. | So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. |
| Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. | Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. |
| A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. | A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. |
| The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. | The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. |
| If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) | If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) |
| If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. | If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. |
| I don’t know what agreement you’ll be able to reach, because I don’t know the state of your relationship. But you need to agree on a serious commitment to safe practices. That means treating your roommate and her boyfriend as if they were infectious. Given the incidence of asymptomatic carriers, they may well be shedding the virus (as you may be, too). So you would be justified in behaving accordingly and you would be justified in asking your roommate to follow suit. | I don’t know what agreement you’ll be able to reach, because I don’t know the state of your relationship. But you need to agree on a serious commitment to safe practices. That means treating your roommate and her boyfriend as if they were infectious. Given the incidence of asymptomatic carriers, they may well be shedding the virus (as you may be, too). So you would be justified in behaving accordingly and you would be justified in asking your roommate to follow suit. |
| What would this look like? All three of you need to wash your hands properly, of course, in the way we have now all learned, whenever you enter the apartment. But there should be an agreement, as well, that you will keep out of spaces she and her partner are occupying, and vice versa. This will require a schedule for the use of shared spaces. You could keep a mask on your face when you’re in the house with them. (There’s still a shortage of medical-grade masks, so don’t try to get one of those. But there are many others available.) A mask, even a makeshift one, may somewhat reduce your chances of getting the virus if her boyfriend brings it in, will discourage you from touching your face and should remind you (and, perhaps, them) to be vigilant. | What would this look like? All three of you need to wash your hands properly, of course, in the way we have now all learned, whenever you enter the apartment. But there should be an agreement, as well, that you will keep out of spaces she and her partner are occupying, and vice versa. This will require a schedule for the use of shared spaces. You could keep a mask on your face when you’re in the house with them. (There’s still a shortage of medical-grade masks, so don’t try to get one of those. But there are many others available.) A mask, even a makeshift one, may somewhat reduce your chances of getting the virus if her boyfriend brings it in, will discourage you from touching your face and should remind you (and, perhaps, them) to be vigilant. |
| Everyone in your household should sanitize all surfaces, tableware and cookware after each use and practice proper hand hygiene before putting things away. You should keep your foods and plates in separate cupboards and divide the space in the fridge, so you aren’t touching containers that have been used by them and, again, vice versa. If you share a bathroom, you’ll want to keep your toothpaste and toothbrush in your bedroom and ask them to do the same. | Everyone in your household should sanitize all surfaces, tableware and cookware after each use and practice proper hand hygiene before putting things away. You should keep your foods and plates in separate cupboards and divide the space in the fridge, so you aren’t touching containers that have been used by them and, again, vice versa. If you share a bathroom, you’ll want to keep your toothpaste and toothbrush in your bedroom and ask them to do the same. |
| And so on. Perhaps, after contemplating what is necessary to keep you safe from her decisions, your roommate will reconsider one of the more reasonable options you have already proposed. Love doesn’t have to be blind. | And so on. Perhaps, after contemplating what is necessary to keep you safe from her decisions, your roommate will reconsider one of the more reasonable options you have already proposed. Love doesn’t have to be blind. |