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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/14/magazine/sheltering-at-home-roommate-social-distancing-coronavrius.html
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| My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits Despite the Outbreak. Can I Object? | My Roommate’s Boyfriend Still Visits Despite the Outbreak. Can I Object? |
| (8 days later) | |
| I am a woman in my mid-20s and live with a female roommate in Massachusetts. We have been under a stay-at-home advisory because of Covid-19, and we both now work remotely. For the past few weeks, I have been practicing social distancing, going out only to the supermarket and for walks and runs and keeping six feet between myself and others. Although I’m at a low (but not nonexistent) risk of falling seriously ill from the coronavirus, I don’t want to make more vulnerable members of the population sick, contribute to the spread of this virus or use up valuable health care resources. | I am a woman in my mid-20s and live with a female roommate in Massachusetts. We have been under a stay-at-home advisory because of Covid-19, and we both now work remotely. For the past few weeks, I have been practicing social distancing, going out only to the supermarket and for walks and runs and keeping six feet between myself and others. Although I’m at a low (but not nonexistent) risk of falling seriously ill from the coronavirus, I don’t want to make more vulnerable members of the population sick, contribute to the spread of this virus or use up valuable health care resources. |
| My roommate, however, has continued to see her boyfriend. He comes over to our apartment every day around dinnertime. They typically cook dinner in our kitchen and then he stays over. The next morning, he eats breakfast in our living room and goes to his apartment to work remotely. He comes back to our apartment after work and does it all over again. My roommate’s boyfriend lives with roommates, and the roommates are not practicing social distancing to the extent that I am. The roommates are continuing to see several friends. I’m not confident that they’re all taking the proper precautions. | My roommate, however, has continued to see her boyfriend. He comes over to our apartment every day around dinnertime. They typically cook dinner in our kitchen and then he stays over. The next morning, he eats breakfast in our living room and goes to his apartment to work remotely. He comes back to our apartment after work and does it all over again. My roommate’s boyfriend lives with roommates, and the roommates are not practicing social distancing to the extent that I am. The roommates are continuing to see several friends. I’m not confident that they’re all taking the proper precautions. |
| In being exposed to my roommate’s boyfriend, I am also exposed to his roommates and to his roommates’ friends, at the very least. This makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My understanding is that we should be limiting our social interactions and operating only within a closed circle (and ideally not outside of our own household). | In being exposed to my roommate’s boyfriend, I am also exposed to his roommates and to his roommates’ friends, at the very least. This makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. My understanding is that we should be limiting our social interactions and operating only within a closed circle (and ideally not outside of our own household). |
| I laid out my concerns to my roommate, and presented her with four options to close the chain of social interaction: 1) Her boyfriend moves in with us temporarily; 2) she moves in with him temporarily; 3) she goes home to her family’s house (an easy drive) and continues to do as she wishes or; 4) she stays in our apartment and stops seeing her boyfriend in person until the pandemic dies down. My roommate refused to accept any of these options. She insisted that it is her right to see her boyfriend and that she does not believe she is flouting the stay-at-home advisory. She told me that it is unreasonable of me to ask that she alter her behavior and that I am trying to assert control over what she does. She also presented a compromise: cleaning the common areas after using them and trying to ensure that the two of us come into as little contact as possible throughout the day. | I laid out my concerns to my roommate, and presented her with four options to close the chain of social interaction: 1) Her boyfriend moves in with us temporarily; 2) she moves in with him temporarily; 3) she goes home to her family’s house (an easy drive) and continues to do as she wishes or; 4) she stays in our apartment and stops seeing her boyfriend in person until the pandemic dies down. My roommate refused to accept any of these options. She insisted that it is her right to see her boyfriend and that she does not believe she is flouting the stay-at-home advisory. She told me that it is unreasonable of me to ask that she alter her behavior and that I am trying to assert control over what she does. She also presented a compromise: cleaning the common areas after using them and trying to ensure that the two of us come into as little contact as possible throughout the day. |
| I don’t believe her proposal goes far enough. She might be comfortable assuming the risks of her actions; I am not. This virus transmits easily, and having her boyfriend in the house every day introduces unknown factors into our household. We’re in the midst of a pandemic — everyone is making sacrifices and altering their way of life. I believe it is my right to feel safe and healthy in my own home, and that that right should outweigh my roommate’s perceived right to do as she pleases. I’m originally from New York City, the epicenter of the pandemic. Even if I felt safe going home (which I don’t), I don’t have a means of getting there. I’m effectively stuck in our apartment, but my roommate has other places to go. | I don’t believe her proposal goes far enough. She might be comfortable assuming the risks of her actions; I am not. This virus transmits easily, and having her boyfriend in the house every day introduces unknown factors into our household. We’re in the midst of a pandemic — everyone is making sacrifices and altering their way of life. I believe it is my right to feel safe and healthy in my own home, and that that right should outweigh my roommate’s perceived right to do as she pleases. I’m originally from New York City, the epicenter of the pandemic. Even if I felt safe going home (which I don’t), I don’t have a means of getting there. I’m effectively stuck in our apartment, but my roommate has other places to go. |
| Am I being unreasonable? Is there any other course of action we can take that I’m not seeing? Name Withheld | Am I being unreasonable? Is there any other course of action we can take that I’m not seeing? Name Withheld |
| There’s a paradoxical connection between erotic love and egoism: In turning you from yourself toward another person, love may turn the two of you away from everyone else. Because love is, for many of us, a central source of meaning in our lives, we have to figure out how to balance it against other concerns and obligations. That, in essence, is the challenge facing your roommate and her boyfriend. And in offering solutions that allow them to stay together, you are rightly acknowledging these realities; there is a difference between a consuming love and an all-consuming one. In this case, helping them find the right balance is a task that has a particular urgency. | There’s a paradoxical connection between erotic love and egoism: In turning you from yourself toward another person, love may turn the two of you away from everyone else. Because love is, for many of us, a central source of meaning in our lives, we have to figure out how to balance it against other concerns and obligations. That, in essence, is the challenge facing your roommate and her boyfriend. And in offering solutions that allow them to stay together, you are rightly acknowledging these realities; there is a difference between a consuming love and an all-consuming one. In this case, helping them find the right balance is a task that has a particular urgency. |
| When you are engaged in social distancing, you are doing two things, as you point out. One is merely prudent and self-interested: you are lowering the probability of your acquiring this disease. But the second thing you’re doing is conforming to a policy aimed at reducing the risks to all of us who have not yet been infected. This part of distancing is, in large part, altruistic. We do it for the sake of our community and, especially, for the sake of those who, owing to their age or underlying health conditions, face particular peril. We do it to reduce the burden on our health care system and on the heroic workers who are keeping it going. | When you are engaged in social distancing, you are doing two things, as you point out. One is merely prudent and self-interested: you are lowering the probability of your acquiring this disease. But the second thing you’re doing is conforming to a policy aimed at reducing the risks to all of us who have not yet been infected. This part of distancing is, in large part, altruistic. We do it for the sake of our community and, especially, for the sake of those who, owing to their age or underlying health conditions, face particular peril. We do it to reduce the burden on our health care system and on the heroic workers who are keeping it going. |
| Now, we could have adopted a policy of exempting people who want to have their boyfriends over each day for dinner and a sleepover followed by a cozy breakfast. But for very good reasons, that isn’t the policy that has been recommended. The recommended policy is the one your letter describes, and the evidence suggests that it is working, even though some people — out of ignorance, foolishness or wickedness — are breaching it. When a policy is working for the general good, we owe it to one another and to the community to do our fair share. A great many people are depriving themselves of face-to-face contacts they would enjoy. It’s unfair to them when others fail to do their part. The policy works because small sacrifices by many people can produce a very large and lifesaving benefit. By defecting from the policy, your roommate is betraying not just you but also everybody who is sticking to it. She is also displaying a lack of respect for everyone who is benefiting from the lowered risk of infection. | Now, we could have adopted a policy of exempting people who want to have their boyfriends over each day for dinner and a sleepover followed by a cozy breakfast. But for very good reasons, that isn’t the policy that has been recommended. The recommended policy is the one your letter describes, and the evidence suggests that it is working, even though some people — out of ignorance, foolishness or wickedness — are breaching it. When a policy is working for the general good, we owe it to one another and to the community to do our fair share. A great many people are depriving themselves of face-to-face contacts they would enjoy. It’s unfair to them when others fail to do their part. The policy works because small sacrifices by many people can produce a very large and lifesaving benefit. By defecting from the policy, your roommate is betraying not just you but also everybody who is sticking to it. She is also displaying a lack of respect for everyone who is benefiting from the lowered risk of infection. |
| That doesn’t mean anyone in your household will necessarily pay a penalty. Driving with your eyes closed down a highway at night for 10 seconds, you’re pretty unlikely to hit anyone, especially if other drivers are properly alert. But if everybody did it, lots of people would be maimed or killed. So we have a policy that forbids it, even though many Americans might wish to experience the thrill. The point is that it doesn’t matter whether a specific violation of our public-health policy causes harm. Breaching it is reckless and antisocial. Doing so regularly is even worse. Your roommate, who objects to being “controlled,” is concerned with her autonomy. But she and her boyfriend are disregarding yours. As John Stuart Mill’s “harm principle” tells us, autonomy reaches its limits when an action is a threat to others. She needs to open her eyes. | That doesn’t mean anyone in your household will necessarily pay a penalty. Driving with your eyes closed down a highway at night for 10 seconds, you’re pretty unlikely to hit anyone, especially if other drivers are properly alert. But if everybody did it, lots of people would be maimed or killed. So we have a policy that forbids it, even though many Americans might wish to experience the thrill. The point is that it doesn’t matter whether a specific violation of our public-health policy causes harm. Breaching it is reckless and antisocial. Doing so regularly is even worse. Your roommate, who objects to being “controlled,” is concerned with her autonomy. But she and her boyfriend are disregarding yours. As John Stuart Mill’s “harm principle” tells us, autonomy reaches its limits when an action is a threat to others. She needs to open her eyes. |
| Updated August 24, 2020 | |
| I don’t know what agreement you’ll be able to reach, because I don’t know the state of your relationship. But you need to agree on a serious commitment to safe practices. That means treating your roommate and her boyfriend as if they were infectious. Given the incidence of asymptomatic carriers, they may well be shedding the virus (as you may be, too). So you would be justified in behaving accordingly and you would be justified in asking your roommate to follow suit. | I don’t know what agreement you’ll be able to reach, because I don’t know the state of your relationship. But you need to agree on a serious commitment to safe practices. That means treating your roommate and her boyfriend as if they were infectious. Given the incidence of asymptomatic carriers, they may well be shedding the virus (as you may be, too). So you would be justified in behaving accordingly and you would be justified in asking your roommate to follow suit. |
| What would this look like? All three of you need to wash your hands properly, of course, in the way we have now all learned, whenever you enter the apartment. But there should be an agreement, as well, that you will keep out of spaces she and her partner are occupying, and vice versa. This will require a schedule for the use of shared spaces. You could keep a mask on your face when you’re in the house with them. (There’s still a shortage of medical-grade masks, so don’t try to get one of those. But there are many others available.) A mask, even a makeshift one, may somewhat reduce your chances of getting the virus if her boyfriend brings it in, will discourage you from touching your face and should remind you (and, perhaps, them) to be vigilant. | What would this look like? All three of you need to wash your hands properly, of course, in the way we have now all learned, whenever you enter the apartment. But there should be an agreement, as well, that you will keep out of spaces she and her partner are occupying, and vice versa. This will require a schedule for the use of shared spaces. You could keep a mask on your face when you’re in the house with them. (There’s still a shortage of medical-grade masks, so don’t try to get one of those. But there are many others available.) A mask, even a makeshift one, may somewhat reduce your chances of getting the virus if her boyfriend brings it in, will discourage you from touching your face and should remind you (and, perhaps, them) to be vigilant. |
| Everyone in your household should sanitize all surfaces, tableware and cookware after each use and practice proper hand hygiene before putting things away. You should keep your foods and plates in separate cupboards and divide the space in the fridge, so you aren’t touching containers that have been used by them and, again, vice versa. If you share a bathroom, you’ll want to keep your toothpaste and toothbrush in your bedroom and ask them to do the same. | Everyone in your household should sanitize all surfaces, tableware and cookware after each use and practice proper hand hygiene before putting things away. You should keep your foods and plates in separate cupboards and divide the space in the fridge, so you aren’t touching containers that have been used by them and, again, vice versa. If you share a bathroom, you’ll want to keep your toothpaste and toothbrush in your bedroom and ask them to do the same. |
| And so on. Perhaps, after contemplating what is necessary to keep you safe from her decisions, your roommate will reconsider one of the more reasonable options you have already proposed. Love doesn’t have to be blind. | And so on. Perhaps, after contemplating what is necessary to keep you safe from her decisions, your roommate will reconsider one of the more reasonable options you have already proposed. Love doesn’t have to be blind. |