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| Should I Call the Cops on My Stepson? | Should I Call the Cops on My Stepson? |
| (7 days later) | |
| I am in my 60s and newly married to an amazing woman. We both have adult children. All are loving, sharing adults who get along well, except for my wife’s son, who is very likely the most entitled person I have ever met and, deep down, unhappy and very insecure. | I am in my 60s and newly married to an amazing woman. We both have adult children. All are loving, sharing adults who get along well, except for my wife’s son, who is very likely the most entitled person I have ever met and, deep down, unhappy and very insecure. |
| My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, but I subscribe strongly to the adage we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. Friends of his recently told us that he has a drug problem. My wife and I are committed to providing her son with the help he needs, so long as he acknowledges the drug abuse, but he denies he has a problem. | My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, but I subscribe strongly to the adage we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. Friends of his recently told us that he has a drug problem. My wife and I are committed to providing her son with the help he needs, so long as he acknowledges the drug abuse, but he denies he has a problem. |
| Through professional association, I am well versed with personality disorders, addiction and therapy programs. We have informed him that unless he is willing to take this step forward, he will be persona non grata at family events. My wife is now being emotionally abused by his diatribes. He is used to getting his way, and he believes he is above the law. Knowing he will not seek help, I have been considering sending an anonymous tip to the police about a drug party at his address. Thoughts? Name Withheld | Through professional association, I am well versed with personality disorders, addiction and therapy programs. We have informed him that unless he is willing to take this step forward, he will be persona non grata at family events. My wife is now being emotionally abused by his diatribes. He is used to getting his way, and he believes he is above the law. Knowing he will not seek help, I have been considering sending an anonymous tip to the police about a drug party at his address. Thoughts? Name Withheld |
| The fact that you fear your stepson has a substance-abuse problem isn’t a reason to involve the police in trying to scare him straight, if that’s your objective. You would, in effect, be using public resources — the police and potentially prosecutors, courts, probation officers — to achieve a largely private benefit. (I’m putting aside the fact that the pandemic would make such an intervention especially poorly timed.) And you’d also be filing a false police report to do so, an act traditionally categorized as a “crime against justice.” Many Americans would shake their heads at your serene view of law enforcement as an instrument to be deployed and controlled as you wish. | The fact that you fear your stepson has a substance-abuse problem isn’t a reason to involve the police in trying to scare him straight, if that’s your objective. You would, in effect, be using public resources — the police and potentially prosecutors, courts, probation officers — to achieve a largely private benefit. (I’m putting aside the fact that the pandemic would make such an intervention especially poorly timed.) And you’d also be filing a false police report to do so, an act traditionally categorized as a “crime against justice.” Many Americans would shake their heads at your serene view of law enforcement as an instrument to be deployed and controlled as you wish. |
| It’s also troubling that you’re evidently thinking about doing so without consulting his mother, which would be a betrayal of your marriage. Your focus should be on solving the problem within your family — which isn’t to say you’ll succeed in this. It doesn’t bode well for your prospects that your stepson won’t acknowledge the problem and that you and your wife have a poor relationship with him. (Your difficulties with your wife’s son clearly go far beyond this specific issue.) You can, as you propose, decide to keep him out of your life entirely, though he may interpret the situation as one in which his mother is being forced to choose between you and him. In any case, the obligations you and your wife have to him are not unlimited. You may ultimately have to accept that there’s nothing further you can do. If you can’t make things better, however, you can at least refrain from making things worse. | It’s also troubling that you’re evidently thinking about doing so without consulting his mother, which would be a betrayal of your marriage. Your focus should be on solving the problem within your family — which isn’t to say you’ll succeed in this. It doesn’t bode well for your prospects that your stepson won’t acknowledge the problem and that you and your wife have a poor relationship with him. (Your difficulties with your wife’s son clearly go far beyond this specific issue.) You can, as you propose, decide to keep him out of your life entirely, though he may interpret the situation as one in which his mother is being forced to choose between you and him. In any case, the obligations you and your wife have to him are not unlimited. You may ultimately have to accept that there’s nothing further you can do. If you can’t make things better, however, you can at least refrain from making things worse. |
| When my parents died a decade ago, they left me and my two siblings nearly a half-million dollars each. I am now retired and living comfortably, as is one of my siblings. The third sibling is still working, after having squandered my parents’ inheritance through numerous questionable financial and real estate decisions. On multiple occasions, this sibling asked for financial advice from me and my other sibling but then ignored it. We have also given this sibling a few thousand dollars to help with attorney’s fees and were never repaid. We have made it known that, because our advice has been ignored, we are not going to assist with any future financial help. | When my parents died a decade ago, they left me and my two siblings nearly a half-million dollars each. I am now retired and living comfortably, as is one of my siblings. The third sibling is still working, after having squandered my parents’ inheritance through numerous questionable financial and real estate decisions. On multiple occasions, this sibling asked for financial advice from me and my other sibling but then ignored it. We have also given this sibling a few thousand dollars to help with attorney’s fees and were never repaid. We have made it known that, because our advice has been ignored, we are not going to assist with any future financial help. |
| Now this sibling is planning to declare bankruptcy and live on Social Security. I feel bad about the situation but don’t feel that we should give this sibling money that we worked hard for and invested wisely. Is this reasonable behavior under the circumstances? Name Withheld | Now this sibling is planning to declare bankruptcy and live on Social Security. I feel bad about the situation but don’t feel that we should give this sibling money that we worked hard for and invested wisely. Is this reasonable behavior under the circumstances? Name Withheld |
| If your account is accurate, you’ve done a great deal over the years to help your sibling, who has ignored what is probably the most important thing you have given — good advice. You’ve also, commendably, tried to discourage false expectations about what you were willing to do: You made it clear that if your counsel continued to be ignored, you wouldn’t provide further assistance. As I’ve said before, the special concern we have for kith and kin has its limits. We each bear ultimate responsibility for the management of our own life. You’ve said that enough is enough. Sometimes this is the right response, even when it comes to those we love. | If your account is accurate, you’ve done a great deal over the years to help your sibling, who has ignored what is probably the most important thing you have given — good advice. You’ve also, commendably, tried to discourage false expectations about what you were willing to do: You made it clear that if your counsel continued to be ignored, you wouldn’t provide further assistance. As I’ve said before, the special concern we have for kith and kin has its limits. We each bear ultimate responsibility for the management of our own life. You’ve said that enough is enough. Sometimes this is the right response, even when it comes to those we love. |
| I think it’s OK for me to have my housecleaner work during the pandemic, because I live alone and have kept myself in isolation since early March, and when she comes we respect social distancing. I leave the house and return after she’s gone. She drives to my house so does not use public transit. | I think it’s OK for me to have my housecleaner work during the pandemic, because I live alone and have kept myself in isolation since early March, and when she comes we respect social distancing. I leave the house and return after she’s gone. She drives to my house so does not use public transit. |
| Some of her immune-compromised clients have stopped her coming; I don’t know if the rest of her business is intact. She has young children and a husband. I’ve been giving her a little extra each time because this is a hard time for everyone. And frankly, I won’t ever do the cleaning myself. | Some of her immune-compromised clients have stopped her coming; I don’t know if the rest of her business is intact. She has young children and a husband. I’ve been giving her a little extra each time because this is a hard time for everyone. And frankly, I won’t ever do the cleaning myself. |
| Updated June 30, 2020 | |
| Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. | |
| Scientists around the country have tried to identify everyday materials that do a good job of filtering microscopic particles. In recent tests, HEPA furnace filters scored high, as did vacuum cleaner bags, fabric similar to flannel pajamas and those of 600-count pillowcases. Other materials tested included layered coffee filters and scarves and bandannas. These scored lower, but still captured a small percentage of particles. | Scientists around the country have tried to identify everyday materials that do a good job of filtering microscopic particles. In recent tests, HEPA furnace filters scored high, as did vacuum cleaner bags, fabric similar to flannel pajamas and those of 600-count pillowcases. Other materials tested included layered coffee filters and scarves and bandannas. These scored lower, but still captured a small percentage of particles. |
| A commentary published this month on the website of the British Journal of Sports Medicine points out that covering your face during exercise “comes with issues of potential breathing restriction and discomfort” and requires “balancing benefits versus possible adverse events.” Masks do alter exercise, says Cedric X. Bryant, the president and chief science officer of the American Council on Exercise, a nonprofit organization that funds exercise research and certifies fitness professionals. “In my personal experience,” he says, “heart rates are higher at the same relative intensity when you wear a mask.” Some people also could experience lightheadedness during familiar workouts while masked, says Len Kravitz, a professor of exercise science at the University of New Mexico. | A commentary published this month on the website of the British Journal of Sports Medicine points out that covering your face during exercise “comes with issues of potential breathing restriction and discomfort” and requires “balancing benefits versus possible adverse events.” Masks do alter exercise, says Cedric X. Bryant, the president and chief science officer of the American Council on Exercise, a nonprofit organization that funds exercise research and certifies fitness professionals. “In my personal experience,” he says, “heart rates are higher at the same relative intensity when you wear a mask.” Some people also could experience lightheadedness during familiar workouts while masked, says Len Kravitz, a professor of exercise science at the University of New Mexico. |
| The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth. | The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth. |
| The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. | The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. |
| So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. | So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. |
| Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. | Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. |
| A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. | A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. |
| The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. | The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. |
| If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) | If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) |
| If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. | If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. |
| When I raised this on social media, everyone said I was rich and stupid and lazy and messy and that housecleaning is not an essential service. I replied that I consider it essential. Who is right? Name Withheld | When I raised this on social media, everyone said I was rich and stupid and lazy and messy and that housecleaning is not an essential service. I replied that I consider it essential. Who is right? Name Withheld |
| The main relevant facts here are these. First, if both of you are keeping your distance and maintaining hand hygiene, and your cleaner is wearing gloves and a mask, neither of you poses a serious risk of transmission to the other. Second, your cleaner is not in any special danger en route, because she travels in her own car. And third, she needs the money, and you can afford to pay it. | The main relevant facts here are these. First, if both of you are keeping your distance and maintaining hand hygiene, and your cleaner is wearing gloves and a mask, neither of you poses a serious risk of transmission to the other. Second, your cleaner is not in any special danger en route, because she travels in her own car. And third, she needs the money, and you can afford to pay it. |
| The issue of what’s “essential” is a useful shorthand for discussing cases where there’s a trade-off between significant risk and significant benefits, not cases like yours, where the risks are very small. (You leave the house when your cleaner arrives; no such accommodation can be made for the cashier at the supermarket or the nurse at the clinic.) So your critics, like you, are using a criterion that’s irrelevant in the context. And keeping food on the table of domestic workers is more important at the moment than moralizing about your housekeeping failures. | The issue of what’s “essential” is a useful shorthand for discussing cases where there’s a trade-off between significant risk and significant benefits, not cases like yours, where the risks are very small. (You leave the house when your cleaner arrives; no such accommodation can be made for the cashier at the supermarket or the nurse at the clinic.) So your critics, like you, are using a criterion that’s irrelevant in the context. And keeping food on the table of domestic workers is more important at the moment than moralizing about your housekeeping failures. |
| I am a white woman in my 60s, and I recently moved to a majority-black neighborhood in northern Philadelphia. As friendly as I have tried to be, I have yet to establish rapport with the family next door. Lately, they have taken to sitting on my stoop, setting up chairs next to my door and making it uncomfortable to exit and enter my property without apologizing. I would normally just consider them bad neighbors and have a word with them about my perception of property boundaries. But in light of the recent protests, can I do that now? Name Withheld | I am a white woman in my 60s, and I recently moved to a majority-black neighborhood in northern Philadelphia. As friendly as I have tried to be, I have yet to establish rapport with the family next door. Lately, they have taken to sitting on my stoop, setting up chairs next to my door and making it uncomfortable to exit and enter my property without apologizing. I would normally just consider them bad neighbors and have a word with them about my perception of property boundaries. But in light of the recent protests, can I do that now? Name Withheld |
| Your neighbors are crowding you in a way that is, at best, thoughtless. Assuming you’re clear in your own mind that your response to the situation is unconditioned by race, you can, in good conscience, try to figure out how to get them to stop imposing on you. Although you say you’ve tried to be friendly, I know that the coronavirus has put a damper on the casual encounters that can build relationships. You may have thought about inviting someone in — perhaps a woman of your generation — for a cup of coffee, and these simple gestures have, of course, become complicated. Still, having a neighbor you can enlist can be invaluable when it comes to avoiding, or anyway, reducing, these sorts of tensions. | Your neighbors are crowding you in a way that is, at best, thoughtless. Assuming you’re clear in your own mind that your response to the situation is unconditioned by race, you can, in good conscience, try to figure out how to get them to stop imposing on you. Although you say you’ve tried to be friendly, I know that the coronavirus has put a damper on the casual encounters that can build relationships. You may have thought about inviting someone in — perhaps a woman of your generation — for a cup of coffee, and these simple gestures have, of course, become complicated. Still, having a neighbor you can enlist can be invaluable when it comes to avoiding, or anyway, reducing, these sorts of tensions. |
| Bear in mind that racial barriers are sometimes erected by the assumption that they’re there: The premise of mistrust can beget mistrust. You’re already pretty uncomfortable with the family next door, I gather. Yet it might be that if you talked to them courteously and with a clear and reasonable request, they’ll realize how you perceive the situation and adjust accordingly. Your predecessor in the house may have had no objection to their occupying the stoop space. People aren’t always good at recognizing that they’re upsetting their neighbors. | Bear in mind that racial barriers are sometimes erected by the assumption that they’re there: The premise of mistrust can beget mistrust. You’re already pretty uncomfortable with the family next door, I gather. Yet it might be that if you talked to them courteously and with a clear and reasonable request, they’ll realize how you perceive the situation and adjust accordingly. Your predecessor in the house may have had no objection to their occupying the stoop space. People aren’t always good at recognizing that they’re upsetting their neighbors. |