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| Should I Call the Cops on My Stepson? | Should I Call the Cops on My Stepson? |
| (about 20 hours later) | |
| I am in my 60s and newly married to an amazing woman. We both have adult children. All are loving, sharing adults who get along well, except for my wife’s son, who is very likely the most entitled person I have ever met and, deep down, unhappy and very insecure. | I am in my 60s and newly married to an amazing woman. We both have adult children. All are loving, sharing adults who get along well, except for my wife’s son, who is very likely the most entitled person I have ever met and, deep down, unhappy and very insecure. |
| My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, but I subscribe strongly to the adage we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. Friends of his recently told us that he has a drug problem. My wife and I are committed to providing her son with the help he needs, so long as he acknowledges the drug abuse, but he denies he has a problem. | My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, but I subscribe strongly to the adage we are only as happy as our unhappiest child. Friends of his recently told us that he has a drug problem. My wife and I are committed to providing her son with the help he needs, so long as he acknowledges the drug abuse, but he denies he has a problem. |
| Through professional association, I am well versed with personality disorders, addiction and therapy programs. We have informed him that unless he is willing to take this step forward, he will be persona non grata at family events. My wife is now being emotionally abused by his diatribes. He is used to getting his way, and he believes he is above the law. Knowing he will not seek help, I have been considering sending an anonymous tip to the police about a drug party at his address. Thoughts? Name Withheld | Through professional association, I am well versed with personality disorders, addiction and therapy programs. We have informed him that unless he is willing to take this step forward, he will be persona non grata at family events. My wife is now being emotionally abused by his diatribes. He is used to getting his way, and he believes he is above the law. Knowing he will not seek help, I have been considering sending an anonymous tip to the police about a drug party at his address. Thoughts? Name Withheld |
| The fact that you fear your stepson has a substance-abuse problem isn’t a reason to involve the police in trying to scare him straight, if that’s your objective. You would, in effect, be using public resources — the police and potentially prosecutors, courts, probation officers — to achieve a largely private benefit. (I’m putting aside the fact that the pandemic would make such an intervention especially poorly timed.) And you’d also be filing a false police report to do so, an act traditionally categorized as a “crime against justice.” Many Americans would shake their heads at your serene view of law enforcement as an instrument to be deployed and controlled as you wish. | The fact that you fear your stepson has a substance-abuse problem isn’t a reason to involve the police in trying to scare him straight, if that’s your objective. You would, in effect, be using public resources — the police and potentially prosecutors, courts, probation officers — to achieve a largely private benefit. (I’m putting aside the fact that the pandemic would make such an intervention especially poorly timed.) And you’d also be filing a false police report to do so, an act traditionally categorized as a “crime against justice.” Many Americans would shake their heads at your serene view of law enforcement as an instrument to be deployed and controlled as you wish. |
| It’s also troubling that you’re evidently thinking about doing so without consulting his mother, which would be a betrayal of your marriage. Your focus should be on solving the problem within your family — which isn’t to say you’ll succeed in this. It doesn’t bode well for your prospects that your stepson won’t acknowledge the problem and that you and your wife have a poor relationship with him. (Your difficulties with your wife’s son clearly go far beyond this specific issue.) You can, as you propose, decide to keep him out of your life entirely, though he may interpret the situation as one in which his mother is being forced to choose between you and him. In any case, the obligations you and your wife have to him are not unlimited. You may ultimately have to accept that there’s nothing further you can do. If you can’t make things better, however, you can at least refrain from making things worse. | It’s also troubling that you’re evidently thinking about doing so without consulting his mother, which would be a betrayal of your marriage. Your focus should be on solving the problem within your family — which isn’t to say you’ll succeed in this. It doesn’t bode well for your prospects that your stepson won’t acknowledge the problem and that you and your wife have a poor relationship with him. (Your difficulties with your wife’s son clearly go far beyond this specific issue.) You can, as you propose, decide to keep him out of your life entirely, though he may interpret the situation as one in which his mother is being forced to choose between you and him. In any case, the obligations you and your wife have to him are not unlimited. You may ultimately have to accept that there’s nothing further you can do. If you can’t make things better, however, you can at least refrain from making things worse. |
| When my parents died a decade ago, they left me and my two siblings nearly a half-million dollars each. I am now retired and living comfortably, as is one of my siblings. The third sibling is still working, after having squandered my parents’ inheritance through numerous questionable financial and real estate decisions. On multiple occasions, this sibling asked for financial advice from me and my other sibling but then ignored it. We have also given this sibling a few thousand dollars to help with attorney’s fees and were never repaid. We have made it known that, because our advice has been ignored, we are not going to assist with any future financial help. | When my parents died a decade ago, they left me and my two siblings nearly a half-million dollars each. I am now retired and living comfortably, as is one of my siblings. The third sibling is still working, after having squandered my parents’ inheritance through numerous questionable financial and real estate decisions. On multiple occasions, this sibling asked for financial advice from me and my other sibling but then ignored it. We have also given this sibling a few thousand dollars to help with attorney’s fees and were never repaid. We have made it known that, because our advice has been ignored, we are not going to assist with any future financial help. |
| Now this sibling is planning to declare bankruptcy and live on Social Security. I feel bad about the situation but don’t feel that we should give this sibling money that we worked hard for and invested wisely. Is this reasonable behavior under the circumstances? Name Withheld | Now this sibling is planning to declare bankruptcy and live on Social Security. I feel bad about the situation but don’t feel that we should give this sibling money that we worked hard for and invested wisely. Is this reasonable behavior under the circumstances? Name Withheld |
| If your account is accurate, you’ve done a great deal over the years to help your sibling, who has ignored what is probably the most important thing you have given — good advice. You’ve also, commendably, tried to discourage false expectations about what you were willing to do: You made it clear that if your counsel continued to be ignored, you wouldn’t provide further assistance. As I’ve said before, the special concern we have for kith and kin has its limits. We each bear ultimate responsibility for the management of our own life. You’ve said that enough is enough. Sometimes this is the right response, even when it comes to those we love. | If your account is accurate, you’ve done a great deal over the years to help your sibling, who has ignored what is probably the most important thing you have given — good advice. You’ve also, commendably, tried to discourage false expectations about what you were willing to do: You made it clear that if your counsel continued to be ignored, you wouldn’t provide further assistance. As I’ve said before, the special concern we have for kith and kin has its limits. We each bear ultimate responsibility for the management of our own life. You’ve said that enough is enough. Sometimes this is the right response, even when it comes to those we love. |
| I think it’s OK for me to have my housecleaner work during the pandemic, because I live alone and have kept myself in isolation since early March, and when she comes we respect social distancing. I leave the house and return after she’s gone. She drives to my house so does not use public transit. | I think it’s OK for me to have my housecleaner work during the pandemic, because I live alone and have kept myself in isolation since early March, and when she comes we respect social distancing. I leave the house and return after she’s gone. She drives to my house so does not use public transit. |
| Some of her immune-compromised clients have stopped her coming; I don’t know if the rest of her business is intact. She has young children and a husband. I’ve been giving her a little extra each time because this is a hard time for everyone. And frankly, I won’t ever do the cleaning myself. | Some of her immune-compromised clients have stopped her coming; I don’t know if the rest of her business is intact. She has young children and a husband. I’ve been giving her a little extra each time because this is a hard time for everyone. And frankly, I won’t ever do the cleaning myself. |
| Updated August 4, 2020 | |
| When I raised this on social media, everyone said I was rich and stupid and lazy and messy and that housecleaning is not an essential service. I replied that I consider it essential. Who is right? Name Withheld | When I raised this on social media, everyone said I was rich and stupid and lazy and messy and that housecleaning is not an essential service. I replied that I consider it essential. Who is right? Name Withheld |
| The main relevant facts here are these. First, if both of you are keeping your distance and maintaining hand hygiene, and your cleaner is wearing gloves and a mask, neither of you poses a serious risk of transmission to the other. Second, your cleaner is not in any special danger en route, because she travels in her own car. And third, she needs the money, and you can afford to pay it. | The main relevant facts here are these. First, if both of you are keeping your distance and maintaining hand hygiene, and your cleaner is wearing gloves and a mask, neither of you poses a serious risk of transmission to the other. Second, your cleaner is not in any special danger en route, because she travels in her own car. And third, she needs the money, and you can afford to pay it. |
| The issue of what’s “essential” is a useful shorthand for discussing cases where there’s a trade-off between significant risk and significant benefits, not cases like yours, where the risks are very small. (You leave the house when your cleaner arrives; no such accommodation can be made for the cashier at the supermarket or the nurse at the clinic.) So your critics, like you, are using a criterion that’s irrelevant in the context. And keeping food on the table of domestic workers is more important at the moment than moralizing about your housekeeping failures. | The issue of what’s “essential” is a useful shorthand for discussing cases where there’s a trade-off between significant risk and significant benefits, not cases like yours, where the risks are very small. (You leave the house when your cleaner arrives; no such accommodation can be made for the cashier at the supermarket or the nurse at the clinic.) So your critics, like you, are using a criterion that’s irrelevant in the context. And keeping food on the table of domestic workers is more important at the moment than moralizing about your housekeeping failures. |
| I am a white woman in my 60s, and I recently moved to a majority-black neighborhood in northern Philadelphia. As friendly as I have tried to be, I have yet to establish rapport with the family next door. Lately, they have taken to sitting on my stoop, setting up chairs next to my door and making it uncomfortable to exit and enter my property without apologizing. I would normally just consider them bad neighbors and have a word with them about my perception of property boundaries. But in light of the recent protests, can I do that now? Name Withheld | I am a white woman in my 60s, and I recently moved to a majority-black neighborhood in northern Philadelphia. As friendly as I have tried to be, I have yet to establish rapport with the family next door. Lately, they have taken to sitting on my stoop, setting up chairs next to my door and making it uncomfortable to exit and enter my property without apologizing. I would normally just consider them bad neighbors and have a word with them about my perception of property boundaries. But in light of the recent protests, can I do that now? Name Withheld |
| Your neighbors are crowding you in a way that is, at best, thoughtless. Assuming you’re clear in your own mind that your response to the situation is unconditioned by race, you can, in good conscience, try to figure out how to get them to stop imposing on you. Although you say you’ve tried to be friendly, I know that the coronavirus has put a damper on the casual encounters that can build relationships. You may have thought about inviting someone in — perhaps a woman of your generation — for a cup of coffee, and these simple gestures have, of course, become complicated. Still, having a neighbor you can enlist can be invaluable when it comes to avoiding, or anyway, reducing, these sorts of tensions. | Your neighbors are crowding you in a way that is, at best, thoughtless. Assuming you’re clear in your own mind that your response to the situation is unconditioned by race, you can, in good conscience, try to figure out how to get them to stop imposing on you. Although you say you’ve tried to be friendly, I know that the coronavirus has put a damper on the casual encounters that can build relationships. You may have thought about inviting someone in — perhaps a woman of your generation — for a cup of coffee, and these simple gestures have, of course, become complicated. Still, having a neighbor you can enlist can be invaluable when it comes to avoiding, or anyway, reducing, these sorts of tensions. |
| Bear in mind that racial barriers are sometimes erected by the assumption that they’re there: The premise of mistrust can beget mistrust. You’re already pretty uncomfortable with the family next door, I gather. Yet it might be that if you talked to them courteously and with a clear and reasonable request, they’ll realize how you perceive the situation and adjust accordingly. Your predecessor in the house may have had no objection to their occupying the stoop space. People aren’t always good at recognizing that they’re upsetting their neighbors. | Bear in mind that racial barriers are sometimes erected by the assumption that they’re there: The premise of mistrust can beget mistrust. You’re already pretty uncomfortable with the family next door, I gather. Yet it might be that if you talked to them courteously and with a clear and reasonable request, they’ll realize how you perceive the situation and adjust accordingly. Your predecessor in the house may have had no objection to their occupying the stoop space. People aren’t always good at recognizing that they’re upsetting their neighbors. |