This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.

You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/she-said/2014/apr/04/my-husbands-finally-helping-with-the-childcare-but-it-wont-save-our-marriage

The article has changed 3 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.

Version 0 Version 1
My husband's finally helping with the childcare - but it won't save our marriage My husband's finally helping with the childcare - but it won't save our marriage
(35 minutes later)
In response to the report this week that points to the supposedly unfair In response to the report this week that points to the supposedly unfair
advantage of mothers having more flexibility in the workplace I can onlyadvantage of mothers having more flexibility in the workplace I can only
say 'thank God'. Because yesterday I was enjoying a new freedom to work say 'thank God'. Because yesterday I was enjoying a new freedom to work
that has come with my husband's sudden and unexpected availability for that has come with my husband's sudden and unexpected availability for
childcare since we separated three months ago.childcare since we separated three months ago.
To categorise parenthood as a lifestyle choice, as the report does, To categorise parenthood as a lifestyle choice, as the report does,
seems a bizarrely skewed perspective on raising the next generation seems a bizarrely skewed perspective on raising the next generation
which, surely, is a matter for us all whether or not we actually gave which, surely, is a matter for us all whether or not we actually gave
birth. I had assumed, before having children, that my husband and I birth. I had assumed, before having children, that my husband and I
would share childcare and working equally but, apart from for two years after our second child was born, he was unwilling to either work would share childcare and working equally but, apart from for two years after our second child was born, he was unwilling to either work
part-time or, once the children started school, be home in time to be part-time or, once the children started school, be home in time to be
there with them.there with them.
Yesterday, as I basked in the liberation of coming to London for the Yesterday, as I basked in the liberation of coming to London for the
first of four days' work in a row with simply a single request to my first of four days' work in a row with simply a single request to my
husband and an 'of course' from him, the battle of the past 15 years husband and an 'of course' from him, the battle of the past 15 years
permeated my thoughts. Along with the sun outside the glass walls of thepermeated my thoughts. Along with the sun outside the glass walls of the
office, the enormity of the change was glaring. For the past decade and office, the enormity of the change was glaring. For the past decade and
a half, other than his regular Wednesday slot, I could not think of a a half, other than his regular Wednesday slot, I could not think of a
single time when he has been home early to look after the children. Whensingle time when he has been home early to look after the children. When
they were babies I had almost begged for his early return. As some they were babies I had almost begged for his early return. At some
point I stopped asking, resorting to one-way favours from friends who point I stopped asking, resorting to one-way favours from friends who
didn't work (and that seemed unfair too) but largely resigning myself todidn't work (and that seemed unfair too) but largely resigning myself to
domesticity. domesticity.
So how is it - why is it - suddenly possible for him, where it was not So how is it - why is it - suddenly possible for him, where it was not
before? As I approached home at the end of the day yesterday, the before? As I approached home at the end of the day yesterday, the
liberation I'd felt at work turned darker and when I arrived I could liberation I'd felt at work turned darker and when I arrived I could
barely look at my husband, or bring myself to say goodbye as he left, barely look at my husband, or bring myself to say goodbye as he left,
let alone ask him what would almost certainly be an incendiary question.let alone ask him what would almost certainly be an incendiary question.
I hope one day we can have that conversation but, for now, my grief at I hope one day we can have that conversation but, for now, my grief at
the end of our relationship is turning to clarity about its limitations.the end of our relationship is turning to clarity about its limitations.
My work/home balance has long been a source of dissatisfaction for me My work/home balance has long been a source of dissatisfaction for me
and a vivid contrast to my husband's increasingly successful career. He and a vivid contrast to my husband's increasingly successful career. He
didn't say so at the time but has admitted he was irritated by my didn't say so at the time but has admitted he was irritated by my
complaining about this issue and thought I should really have realised complaining about this issue and thought I should really have realised
how lucky I was. His refusal to hear me on this and increasing how lucky I was. His refusal to hear me on this and increasing
withdrawal from me instead was never going to nurture our relationship.withdrawal from me instead was never going to nurture our relationship.
But upholding our family life, and perhaps equally destructive, was a But upholding our family life, and perhaps equally destructive, was a
culture that fetishises the mother/child relationship, to the detriment culture that fetishises the mother/child relationship, to the detriment
of us all but, mostly, of course, women.of us all but, mostly, of course, women.
The writer's name has been changedThe writer's name has been changed