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My husband's finally helping with the childcare - but it won't save our marriage My husband's finally helping with the childcare - but it won't save our marriage
(5 months later)
In response to the report this week that points to the supposedly unfair In response to the report this week that points to the supposedly unfair advantage of mothers having more flexibility in the workplace I can only say 'thank God'. Because yesterday I was enjoying a new freedom to work that has come with my husband's sudden and unexpected availability for childcare since we separated three months ago.
advantage of mothers having more flexibility in the workplace I can only To categorise parenthood as a lifestyle choice, as the report does, seems a bizarrely skewed perspective on raising the next generation which, surely, is a matter for us all whether or not we actually gave birth. I had assumed, before having children, that my husband and I would share childcare and working equally but, apart from for two years after our second child was born, he was unwilling to either work part-time or, once the children started school, be home in time to be there with them.
say 'thank God'. Because yesterday I was enjoying a new freedom to work Yesterday, as I basked in the liberation of coming to London for the first of four days' work in a row with simply a single request to my husband and an 'of course' from him, the battle of the past 15 years permeated my thoughts. Along with the sun outside the glass walls of the office, the enormity of the change was glaring. For the past decade and a half, other than his regular Wednesday slot, I could not think of a single time when he has been home early to look after the children. When they were babies I had almost begged for his early return. At some point I stopped asking, resorting to one-way favours from friends who didn't work (and that seemed unfair too) but largely resigning myself to domesticity.
that has come with my husband's sudden and unexpected availability for So how is it - why is it - suddenly possible for him, where it was not before? As I approached home at the end of the day yesterday, the liberation I'd felt at work turned darker and when I arrived I could barely look at my husband, or bring myself to say goodbye as he left, let alone ask him what would almost certainly be an incendiary question.
childcare since we separated three months ago. I hope one day we can have that conversation but, for now, my grief at the end of our relationship is turning to clarity about its limitations. My work/home balance has long been a source of dissatisfaction for me and a vivid contrast to my husband's increasingly successful career. He didn't say so at the time but has admitted he was irritated by my complaining about this issue and thought I should really have realised how lucky I was. His refusal to hear me on this and increasing withdrawal from me instead was never going to nurture our relationship.
To categorise parenthood as a lifestyle choice, as the report does, But upholding our family life, and perhaps equally destructive, was a culture that fetishises the mother/child relationship, to the detriment of us all but, mostly, of course, women.
seems a bizarrely skewed perspective on raising the next generation
which, surely, is a matter for us all whether or not we actually gave
birth. I had assumed, before having children, that my husband and I
would share childcare and working equally but, apart from for two years after our second child was born, he was unwilling to either work
part-time or, once the children started school, be home in time to be
there with them.
Yesterday, as I basked in the liberation of coming to London for the
first of four days' work in a row with simply a single request to my
husband and an 'of course' from him, the battle of the past 15 years
permeated my thoughts. Along with the sun outside the glass walls of the
office, the enormity of the change was glaring. For the past decade and
a half, other than his regular Wednesday slot, I could not think of a
single time when he has been home early to look after the children. When
they were babies I had almost begged for his early return. At some
point I stopped asking, resorting to one-way favours from friends who
didn't work (and that seemed unfair too) but largely resigning myself to
domesticity.
So how is it - why is it - suddenly possible for him, where it was not
before? As I approached home at the end of the day yesterday, the
liberation I'd felt at work turned darker and when I arrived I could
barely look at my husband, or bring myself to say goodbye as he left,
let alone ask him what would almost certainly be an incendiary question.
I hope one day we can have that conversation but, for now, my grief at
the end of our relationship is turning to clarity about its limitations.
My work/home balance has long been a source of dissatisfaction for me
and a vivid contrast to my husband's increasingly successful career. He
didn't say so at the time but has admitted he was irritated by my
complaining about this issue and thought I should really have realised
how lucky I was. His refusal to hear me on this and increasing
withdrawal from me instead was never going to nurture our relationship.
But upholding our family life, and perhaps equally destructive, was a
culture that fetishises the mother/child relationship, to the detriment
of us all but, mostly, of course, women.
The writer's name has been changedThe writer's name has been changed